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Monday, November 30, 2009

Powder

Elizabeth had to go over to a neighbor's tonight to borrow some baking soda. When she got home, she told me that she put it in her pocket because she thought that it would be bad for her to be running through town with a little baggie of white powder.

I was so proud of her humor, I got tears in my eyes...

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Wedding

Today we went to our neighbor across the street, Mr. Jackson's, wedding. He is in his early 80's, a widower, and married a widowed woman he used to date in high school 65 years ago. How cool is that? Congrats to the newlyweds!

However, I was not too thrilled with the ceremony. We were told it was at 11 AM. OK, fine, we got ready and to the church at 11. Turns out that we had to sit through the entire service first. I was a little annoyed by this, because honestly that is a cheap trick. I got back at the pastor for this by staring right into his eyes as the offering plate went by. That's right, mothafucker, I am NOT giving you anything. I was TRICKED into coming today! Yeah, I am probably going to hell...

Then the pastor started to preach. Oh.my.God. I hope that the words that he spoke are soon smitten from my daughters' ears. He started in on how a wife should submit to her husband, and how a woman needs her man to help lead her away from sin, and by golly, gentlemen, if you are manly enough and are willing to take a bullet for your wife, she won't mind submitting to you at all! In fact, it will be her joy to do so, and she will do it with love! But remember, though, even though there is all this submitting, your marriage is still a partnership. But also remember, the man is the head of the household! But that does not mean you can say to your wife, "Woman, submit to me!!!" Oh no, sirree, you need to make sure that you have Christ in your marriage!

It was amazing to hear this man of God fumble through this sermon...at first, proposing the whole conservative Christian man's wet dream of a mindless woman who relies totally on her man to make her decisions for her, to placating the liberals by saying, "but your marriage is a partnership!", to once again insulting women by saying, "You will WANT to submit and it will be a JOY to do so if your man in manly enough and provides for you!" Then he went on to suggest that you need Christ in your marriage in some sort of weird religious menage a trois. And trust me, he definitely made it sound sexual.

These are the kind of men who give religion a bad name. I could not believe this woman in front of me, nodding her head enthusiastically. Now, if you want that kind of marriage, if you want to have your husband (or wife, I suppose) think for you and make all the day to day decisions and whatnot, then that is your business. I know I could never survive in an environment like that. I know men who could not be the ones to be in charge of that kind of thing, either! But do not sit there and tell me that God is saying that this is the way a marriage HAS to be because "these are the talents that men and women have". If they are God-given talents, and they happen to be atypical, then where is that argument? Oh, right, there is something wrong with you for being different! How silly of me! Must be that I don't have a manly enough man to keep me from straying and I am not submitting to my husband...

Anyways, congrats again! I would wish for a long and happy life for the two of them, but they have already had a long and happy life! I guess I will just go with whatever time they do have, I hope they thoroughly enjoy...God knows they earned it!

Saturday, November 28, 2009

I walked into this

I have been fighting what seems to be a losing battle with my youngest, Alexis. She has picked up the very unpleasant habit of DEMANDING things from us versus using her manner words. I have gotten in the habit of just ignoring her when she does this, but thus far it does not seem to be working. Of course, I have only been doing this for about a week or so, so I probably have about another 5-7 years of this behavior before it is completely eliminated. (She is particularly stubborn...got stuck twice coming out of the birth canal. I should have run away screaming then.) When Alexis does use her manner words unprompted, I of course make a huge deal out of it. What no one tells you when you are a parent is that you will have to make a huge deal out of things that as an adult, you think your child should know about. Hell, my job exists in part because some parents are not aware that there are things you need to make a huge deal about even though they seem self-evident to their adult brains. But seriously, does anyone ever think that you would have to praise your child for pooping in the appropriate receptacle during potty training when you are giving birth? But I digress...

We got a very large box from Amazon.com today. After removing the contents of this box (Christmas presents), we put it in the office. Alexis noticed it while I was folding a very large (OK, mountainous) pile of laundry and watching the House I had DVR'ed. Who knew that Cuddy was so cunning as to trick House like that? Anyways, she asked if she could play with it. Since 3/4 of the living room floor was covered with laundry, I had to tell her she had to wait. (Don't judge me, OK? My family has enough underwear and socks to last us at least a month, so it is not like we were wearing the same shit over and over again.) She sat on the couch and watched me closer than Republicans watch those gays and lesbians and their devious agendas to recruit their children into their unnatural chosen lifestyles. When I was done, she asked again about the very large box. I told her I just had to put my clothes away, as did her sister. As I was picking up the clothes, I handed her a towel and made The Fatal Parenting Mistake: I asked her if she wanted to put the towel away. I did not tell her to put it away, couched in a Very Polite Tone. I asked. Her response? "No, Thank you". Then she sat there looking up at me, the look on her face clearly stating, "Woman, where is my praise for using my manner words?"