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Sunday, January 31, 2010

Bad

I have been a bad blogger.

When I started this blog, it was with the idea that I would write almost daily. I have not been lately. The reasons for this vary...I am concerned that I may lose my job, I was supposed to be studying for my MFT license test (BTW, I probably failed it), I got a wicked cold. I have ideas for blog posts stored in my cell phone. Some are so old that the few words that I put in there are now meaningless to me.

That very reason is why I started to write. Time slips by unnoticed until you look in the mirror one day and realize, "Holy fuck, I somehow gained 60 lbs!" (Yes, that happened to me.) Or you look at your daughter and realize that she is soon to get her period...or that that baby you held just last week, I swear it was just last week, is now completely capable of getting herself dressed in the mornings without one drop of help from you.

When I was younger, my teachers always told me I was a good writer. I never saw it because I was hopelessly bogged down in a vat of my own insecurities. I never developed the talent. Would I have been good? Who knows. I do know that there is always a story going on in my head. I have had to, at times, remind myself of reality and that things don't always fall into place the way they would in my stories. Maybe it was my way of grabbing control of my life, when I feel/felt so completely out of control. Alas, people don't do what you want and aren't puppets to dance to whatever tune you want to create. I also can't make my life go the way I want it to simply by making up the corresponding story in my head.

But my life is a story. So is yours. And a part of me wonders if my story is interesting enough to sell books. I doubt it, but it is important enough to me that I feel the need to capture nuggets of it on the Internet. I highly doubt that very many people will ever read this (and this is not one of those self-degrading moments that females do when they really want people to come running to them with arms wide open...I have a link posted to this on my Facebook page, but thus far IDK that anyone has even noticed...I have also spoken of my blog, but don't know that people have actively gone looking for it. So really, I don't advertise it and I kinda like it that way.) Maybe it is that I like to look back at all the crazy shit that has been happening in my life. Or that I like to be able to see the random ramblings of my mind at various points in my life. Or...I don't know. The point is, I made a commitment to myself that I would try to document my life, for whatever reason, and I have not really done so. I must improve!

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