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Thursday, February 11, 2010

Friends

Charles and I were talking tonight about how difficult Alexis's life is likely to be. We say this based solely on the fact that she is a lot like me, and that she will definitely not pick the easy path. Great in theory, but painful to watch I am sure. Elizabeth, while I have definitely educated her about liberal and feminist things, will be more likely to follow a typical path. Nothing is wrong with either of these; it is just indicative of their very different personalities.

I mentioned that the one thing that I want both of my girls to do differently is to cultivate female friendships. I do not have any friends in real life. Granted, I have a group of women that I met on a Mommy's Board who I consider to be some of the closest people to me, but that is very different than having people who live nearby, who you talk to on the phone daily, who you go out with, and with whom you have some (ahem) wild stories to share. The memories, the shared history, the ability to pick up the phone and to just talk, to sit and have coffee while you chat...those kinds of things. It is important, and I want to make sure that they know this. Unfortunately, I cannot lead this by example.

I used to have a best friend. We would do all of the things that I mentioned above. However, she was also a "Toxic Friend", one who was not happy unless there was drama. She would become very upset when good things happened to me...to the point of sabotaging them and/or acting like she did not believe me or care. I eventually woke up and realized this, and "broke up" with her. Best move I ever made...but it left me bereft, because like a situation with an abusive partner, I had no other friends.

I would occasionally start to hang with other people, but nothing ever materialized into lasting friendship. So here I am, age 29 years, in the position of having to go through what most girls go through at the age of 4 or so. My husband, the awesome man that he is, is always willing to shoo me out the door to go hang with females (not that I would need permission, but I know some women for whom it is a fight for their hubbies to be OK with this...). Really, it has been my overarching fear of any kind of intimacy that prevents me from moving forward. I hate being vulnerable in any way. This is why I force myself to be Supermom, why I have such high standards for myself, and why I am riddled with anxiety and tension. Being vulnerable, in my distorted mind, is akin to setting myself up to be hurt again. My issues, kinda perpetuated by society, I know...but ones that I do not want my kids to inherit. God knows that there are plenty others to choose from...let's hope that they at least avoid them one that will cut them off of any kind of support.

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