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Monday, February 27, 2012

Trigger

What thoughts must have been going through his head, right before the finger went on the trigger?

What does it take to make someone actively contemplate taking another's life?

What more does it take to make someone act on those contemplations?

How tortured must someone be, to search out people to kill.

How heart-wrenching for the families, friends, survivors, witnesses, staff.

Tragedy all over.  Tonight, sounds of sobbing where there should be a parent being ignored by their teenager.  Sounds of grief, of heartbreak, when there should be sounds of life.

Death, when there should be life.

People will start to point fingers.  Who missed what.  Who should have done what.  It has already started.

The parents will be blamed.  Society in general will be blamed.  Liberals will call for more gun control; conservatives will call for a reversion to the days when corporal punishment was allowable and preferred in school.

Yet...none of this answers that basic question of why.  And what.  And how.

Words escape me at this moment.  It is a parent's worse nightmare.  And so close to home.

Just a trigger pull away. 

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Zombies

I had a conversation tonight with Elizabeth that concerned rabid zombies with feelings in a Will Smith movie that I am convinced was an allegory for the so-called homosexual agenda in the US.  A dog died in this movie, apparently after turning gray and losing all of its hair.  I am not convinced that this dog did not have just rabies and mange vs. being infected by zombies, but whatevs.  I also learned that becoming  a zombie is comparable to most communicable diseases in that it is spread through contact with saliva and blood.  It involved a thorough discussion of what we would do in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse as well as much detail about the comparison between zombies and gay people.  Zombies don't want to change, y'all...they just want to be allowed to be who they are.   (And for the record, I was not comparing gay people to zombies; I was merely using this as a teaching moment to illustrate to my child how easy it is to rationalize the marginalization of an entire group of people when you lump them into the "other" category.  I do occasionally parent responsibly...)

These random products of our somewhat twisted minds; this conversation that would concern some people were they to overhear us...these are the things that I enjoy the most about the teenage years.  The developing adult sense of humor, the ability to appreciate satire and to engage in witty back and forth banter.  It on occasion makes the sullenness, the lability of mood, the general attitude of OMFG MOM!  YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT AND IF I WOULD NOT GET GROUNDED FOR LIFE I WOULD TOTALLY TELL YOU TO FUCK OFF! much more bearable.

In these moments, I get a glimpse of the woman that my daughter is going to become.  I see beyond the torture that is the adolescent era to the strong, intelligent, and capable adult that will be.  And I think, "I was responsible for this.  I helped create this.  I helped shape this."

Truly, a humbling experience. 

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Texting II

Me:  Wanna come watch me play in a concert in May?

E:  Play what?

Me:  My violin.

E:  Oh duh ya sure but if it sucks I want my money back! jk

Me:  It is free. Nice try tho.

E:  Well I will still expect some kind of compensation if it goes down in flames.

Me:  I'll spot you a ride home then

E:  Oh, OK, that will work!

The goal here, people, is to minimize the decades of therapy required...

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Dukan

As I have mentioned before I went on the Dukan diet Memorial Day weekend of last year.  I have lost over 50 lbs.  I feel better than I ever have (well, except for the raging cold I currently have, courtesy of my children who still feel that the directive to share means germs as well.  Assholes...).  My joints don't ache nearly as much, I have more energy, I have learned how to cook with spices and flavor again, and I have realized that, like the majority of people out there, I don't eat enough vegetables.

That being said....I don't recommend the diet, really.  Why?  It is super restrictive.  Ironically, that is one of the things that really appealed to me about it.  They tell you exactly what you can and cannot eat.  I did not want to have to count calories, or carbs, or grams of fat.  I was given a list of foods I could have, and I could eat as much as I wanted to off said list.  Removal of having to think was a big part of the appeal for me.  Especially someone who tends towards emotional eating, which we all know=carbs.  The grains I was consuming then contributed to my flares, which made me feel like crap, which then led to more emotional eating.  It was a nasty cycle.  And I finally broke it.

I will soon be "allowed" to re-introduce grains back into my diet.  I have to admit, I am a little scared about this.  It is almost like an addiction for me...will I totally lose control?  I surely don't want to gain that 50 lbs (well, 60, once I lose this last 10 to get to my goal weight...).  Will that be motivation enough for me to keep up my progress?  I am also just scared that re-introducing grains will make me flare again.  Don't think I have not cheated on this diet...I TOTALLY have.  When I did, the aches I got the next day didn't really make it worth it.  Seeing the scale jump, say, 5 lbs, even if it was mostly water weight, wasn't worth it either.  I just FEEL better.  Really, that is what I set out to do.  Feel better.

Has this cured my Sjogren's?  Fuck no.  Do I feel I can manage it better now?  Absolutely.  At this point in my life, that is what I want.  I will never be a model.  My belly is ravaged from my children and sports a C-section scar.  My breasts are pretty saggy without a good bra.  I have stretch marks and bruise super easily.  A few years ago, all of that would have really bothered me.  Apparently I grew up...because now, I just feel better (well, mostly; I still have bad days...) and that is all that I want.  The looking better thing is a bonus.

Though I still maintain that it is totally unfair for a person who has such difficulty having children to have child-bearing hips...maybe I have not grown up that much after all :p