Me: Elizabeth do you remember when I was dating?
E: Not really. Why? Are you going to start dating again?
Me: (sighing) No, Charles won't let me date.
Charles walks in: What won't I let you do?
Me: You won't let me date. Selfish bastard you are...
C: Well, everyone has their quirks.
Me, talking to my boss:
Me: Well, I don't see myself quitting any time soon, unless my husband decides to finally unearth his (imaginary) money he has hidden from me.
Boss: Unless you win the lottery...
Me: Well, that is on my to-do list.
Alexis, looking over my shoulder at my Facebook page ads:
A: A free phone! Wow, mom, I want a free phone!
Me: Uh, no.
Later on, talking to Charles:
C: Did you tell her she could take an innie-and-an-outie bath?
C: Oh, I just told her she couldn't. I'll text her and let her know...oh, wait. You didn't get her the free phone...
Dumping some Epsom salts into Charlie's bath:
Elizabeth: What are you doing?
Me: Putting Epsom salts into Charlie's bath.
E: Really, Mom? Charlie is crazy enough without bath salts. You are going to turn her into a zombie!