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Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Struggling

It's never being good enough.

It's forgetting what it is like to function outside of the constant fog cloud of fatigue.  Forgetting what it is like to wake up after 10, 12, 14 hours of sleep and feeling refreshed and rested.  Wanting to spend all day in bed asleep because the time you have to be aware of how you just hurt is less that way.

It's wanting to curl up within yourself, except that you are intensely uncomfortable in your own skin so you really don't want to do that either.  So you exist in limbo, simply existing for a while.

It's the never ending cycle of thought that flows through your mind, unbidden and unwanted and uncontrollable and unwelcome.  "You suck.  You're awful.  You're less than.  You MUST be perfect.  You will NEVER learn to cope.  You will ALWAYS feel like hell."

It's recognizing the cycle of negativity yet feeling helpless to stop it.

It's the constant worry.  The catastrophizing.  The panic attacks.

It's seeing the reminder and freaking out and dying on the inside.  A touch, a gesture, a scent.  Triggers.

It's being numb.

It's the guilt.  The constant gnawing guilt of feeling like you are failing everyone around you.  Like you are to blame for your circumstances and why you are here and in this situation.

It's desperately wanting to feel better but lacking the motivation to even get up and make the call.  The fear.  The stigma.  The lies that run through your mind.

Make the call.  It gets better.

Friday, April 11, 2014

Random IV

Charlie was playing with some miscellaneous dried noodles, rice, oats, etc., and was "cooking" with it.  She was quite content to do this when she very quietly got up, came to me, and said very low and dramatically "I need a knife."  Uh, holy fucking creepy!  And speaking of creepy...

Let's talk the Easter bunny.  Seriously, who the fuck thinks of this shit?  Why does anyone think that the Easter bunny is a good idea?  And why do we continually condone Breaking and Entering?

Easter is a pretty creepy holiday overall if you really think about it.  Now before you get all up in arms about this, a man dies then three days later comes back to life.  How is this not disturbing?  Sure, Christians believe he did it for our salvation...but honestly.  I sure hope that God did his son a favor and made him not stink when he rose up because I could see how that would cause some social problems fo' shure above and beyond the "I died" thing.

Does that mean the Apostles could say "I see dead people" in a creepy Sixth Sense voice?

I also take issue with these "resurrection rolls" I see on Pinterest all of the time.  I could have totally seen myself as a kid missing the whole symbolism behind them and thinking that Jesus melted in the tomb like the marshmallows melt in the biscuits.  Like being raised in the Catholic church was not scary enough...next you give me melted marshmallows and expect my crazy ass mind to make the leap?  Yeah, it would leap right to Jesus melted like the wicked Witch of the West.

Still reading?  Haven't offended you with my sacreligiosity?  I am well aware I am likely burning in Hell in the future so feel free to judge away...cause that will totally get you a ticket to heaven.

But I digress....

I am seriously considering going into the Dog Toupee business.  I could gather up the fur I brush off of Spartacus and Maximus and fashion some toupees for those dogs plagued by premature baldness and receding hairlines.  It could be like a hair club for dogs.  But maybe like on a donation basis like Locks of Love?  Maybe 'Do's for Dogs?  Anyways, it totally sounds like a solid business idea to me and I am pretty sure the market here is wide open...Any investors interested?  I could totally put you in the commercial..."I'm not just an investor, I'm a member myself".  But that would only work if you had a dog...Possibly a cat too but a cat wearing a dog hair toupee might be like a human getting a pig heart transplant.

Ever consider what kind of psychotic person you would be?  I had that conversation once with my coworkers.  I like to think that I would be a crazy person even amongst the crazy people. 




Sunday, April 6, 2014

Grown

Everyone tells you when you are pregnant (or in any stage of child rearing, really) that "It goes by so fast".  Never minding the poor grammar, that statement can't be more true.  I swear, Elizabeth was just starting kindgergarden the other day.  Of course, those who know me know that my other day can mean two days ago or 6 years ago...but I digress.

It goes by quickly.  Alexis had competition this weekend.  Yeah, this feminist, crazy liberal Mama lets her daughter participate in dance competitions.  Her studio maintains a degree of decorum regarding their routines.  They don't sexualize anything and their costumes are age appropriate.  I am not a prude by any stretch of the imagination, but by God "Itsy Bitsy Spider" should not be sexy (and yes, there was once a routine for 7 year old girls to that song that was...)

It was a couple hour drive to the venue.  Alexis spent most of the drive down contentedly reading her Ramona book, but once it got too dark to read she started to talk to me.  About Santa and the Easter Bunny.  And how she *thinks* that they might really be parents doing all that stuff.

My heart broke a little bit, though I was expecting this because it was around this same time that Elizabeth started to question it.  I mean, kids are smart and they will only believe this shit for so long.  I guess I was not prepared for this yet.  Alexis is still so innocent in so many ways.  I was not prepared for her to give up that magic quite yet I suppose.

Next thing I know, Elizabeth will be leaving for college, Charlie will be starting kindergarden (in the same year, no less...really poor planning on my part).  They will start periods, have boyfriends, have to navigate friendships and heartache.

Soon they will start families of their own.  Have children, life partners, houses of their own.  I can't protect them forever.  Hell, Elizabeth is already more independent than I am comfortable with sometimes.  I am continually reminding myself that she is 16.  Time to let go.

How can I do that though when I still feel at times that I am masquerading as an adult?  When things can get incredibly confusing for me and I don't have all the answers?  How can I possibly expect them to go and be productive adults when sometimes I am crippled by my own thoughts?  When the demons inside my soul threaten to overcome me and I have to fight to get into the light from the dark depths of my very being?

I constantly question myself as a parent.  I joke about the decades of therapy my children will require, but the very insecure core of my being questions if that is really a joke.  I was just a kid myself when I began to raise a child...how will that affect things?  Will my children grow up to leave me and not want anything to do with me?  Did I give them too much freedom?  Not enough?  Did my depression and anxiety leave its mark on them?  Are they forever scarred because of it?

No, I am not ready for my children to be grown.  Mostly because I am not sure I am grown myself.