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Sunday, May 30, 2010

Time

I have been lax in writing on this blog lately. My original intention when starting this was to try to write every day. I want to record the daily minutiae of my life because time is just going by so very quickly. Elizabeth will be a teenager officially soon (she has been one in attitude for years now), Alexis will be entering her second year of preschool, and I am currently growing another small person in my uterus. So far things are going well with that, but with me, they can change at any moment.

I have this incredible torn feeling right now....I want things to slow down because life just feels like it is slipping away from me and I am missing it. On the other hand, I want thing to fast forward at least 16 more weeks. To viability. To the possibility that I might actually get to hold a living baby in my arms after the hell that is the first trimester for me. To an end that, for once, does not involve heartbreak and grief.

Then I have a moment like I did just now. Alexis is sitting next to me with an old notebook of mine (from my short-lived, panic-induced OMG I can't find a job with a BS in psychology foray into nursing school) and is drawing pictures of her family. Then she totally stops and says, "My last name is _______" and proceeds to write it. Then she asks how to spell her middle name and proceeds to write that as well. WTF? When did this little girl learn to do that? What happened to my baby who was 90% head who came out of the womb ready for a steak to gnaw on? To the little toddler who hated everyone? Even to the tiny little preschooler who was the smallest in her class? I see her emerging every day with a confidence that I just marvel at; growing and blossoming in ways that continually amaze me.

Then I look at Elizabeth and can remember when she was the same age as Alexis. They are alike in some ways, but mostly they are very different. Where Alexis is cantankerous and difficult, Elizabeth was very sociable and somehow exuded this air of refinement about her. Don't get me wrong....that child could throw a fit if she really wanted to. But mostly, Elizabeth reminds me of classics. She has avoided the slightly goth look that is so popular with all of her friends now for one that is more traditionally classical, but still within an acceptable range. She has always done her own thing, but life will most likely not be difficult for her the way it will be for Alexis (and has been for me) because Elizabeth tends to be able to toe the line of being different just enough that it does not cause major problems for her, while still allowing her to be true to herself. I could probably learn something from my daughter in that regards. She also continually amazes me with how very grown up she is and how much of a fundamentally decent human being she has turned into, despite all of the varied mistakes I have made in raising her and the hell that is my life sometimes.

So I am torn. I don't want time to fly by, yet I do. I guess it will go on no matter what I do.

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