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Tuesday, July 27, 2010


This Friday is my "big" ultrasound.

At this point in a normal pregnancy, most women will have had one so far. This will be my fourth, and likely NOT my last. Nothing about this pregnancy has been normal so far, though...

It is very hard to stay positive. The last ultrasound that I went to at this hospital did not end well. That would have been Gabe's. This pregnancy is eerily like his in a lot of ways...most notably, the lack of movement.

I have to keep reminding myself that this is NOT abnormal for me, and that I HAVE felt the baby move somewhat. Not as much as I like, of course, but I have felt SOMETHING. I never felt Gabe move...he was simply too small to feel anything, even at 20 weeks.

It is very hard. This week is dragging on and on. Clients are cancelling, leaving me with big chunks of time. Normally I don't complain about this except for the lost productivity...but now, it leaves me with time to think. I am dragging along, barely functioning. Barely sleeping...the tension is completely unbearable at times and I feel like I am going to completely lose my mind.

There is a certain tension between doctor's visits now anyways...after they go OK, I hear the heartbeat, etc., I am fine for a few days. Then the waiting starts again...the four weeks drag on and on...until I am a mess right up to hearing that beautiful bwambwambwam again.

This, however, is worse. Not only is it another visit, another opportunity to hear something is wrong...I am returning to the scene of where my worst nightmare started. I have not really thought much about it...though I can remember every single thing about that place. It is all branded into my memory like you would not believe. And to be perfectly honest, I do not want to go there.

I want it to be Friday EVENING, with pictures of my healthy baby. Not Tuesday afternoon, with 2 1/2 more days of work and having to function left.

Thursday, July 8, 2010


Alexis has recently discovered umbrellas. They are wonderful! Fantastic! They keep the rain OFF OF YOUR BODY! How amazing is this!

I am not one who usually uses umbrellas, which makes absolutely no sense if you know me. I have a hatred, a loathing, of water that makes a cat look like Michael Phelps. I have to tramp down an irrational homicidal urge every time that my children splash me accidentally in the bathtub. I shower facing away from the water because I hate getting my face wet. The girls have made bargains with the devil to get me to take them swimming. Etc., get it.

Anyways, despite all of the above, I don't usually use umbrellas when it is raining. I also don't wear boots and gloves and hats in the winter, and don't usually zip my coats up. Hey, it is all part of what makes me me. And I guess a borderline unhealthy obsession with umbrellas is what is going to make my wonderfully unique child Alexis Alexis.

Now the umbrella that we currently own is an old one of Elizabeth's. Well, that is not counting the battered red one that resides in my Jeep that never gets used. Hell, I forget about the damn thing until I go to vacuum the vehicle out. But the kid umbrella that we have is Elizabeth's, and one of the spoke thingys on it is broken. Alexis still loves that thing, but recently asked me if she could get a new one.

My first instinct was to tell her, "Sure!" I mean, she is three, right? Why make her EARN it? Not like she will understand it. However, I forgot about the power that is anything that Elizabeth does....and Elizabeth has to EARN her extras (for the most part...I am not an entirely evil parent, despite what she tells her friends). So she agreed to do chores to earn an umbrella.

Tomorrow is grocery shopping day. I told her if she were to do the chores, she could get it tomorrow. Do you know that that child WILLINGLY and ENTHUSIASTICALLY did every single thing that I asked her to? And ASKED ME TO CHECK THAT SHE DID IT OK? She was so excited to earn that was cute to watch, kinda like a little Pomeranian that is hopped up on Ritalin, that was how excited she was.

I wonder how many times I will do this to my kids...underestimate them and their capabilities. Not give them enough credit...not think that they are capable human beings. I wonder how much damage I will do to them because of this. I hope and pray that it is negligible.

Know what? I hope that is the best damn umbrella that anyone ever got. Ever. In the history of the whole wide world.