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Wednesday, December 28, 2011


More proof that my assertion that eventually IT people will be taking over the laptop recently took an elephant-sized shit and I have been freaking out more than a drug dealer on bath salts robbing a liquor store.  Seriously, if I had the opportunity to trade some sex for a fixed laptop...well, let's just say pass me the Cuervo and let's

Charlie is possibly the most devious child I know.  You try to put lotion on her and she acts as though you are dipping her in a vat of acid after rubbing her skin raw with sandpaper.  She has recently been having a particularly nasty flare-up of eczema.  She has prescription cream to put on it and I really think that she would rather be beaten with extension cords than have to experience the agony of having someone rub this on her person.  So Charles was giving her a bath tonight and told her when he got her out, "We need to put your cream on you."  She promptly began to giggle and squeal at her Daddy.  Guess who forgot the cream?  Score:  Charlie, 1; Parents: 0.

We may have started a new family tradition this year.  My sisters found lamb jammies for us to wear on Christmas Eve.  Me likey.  Nothing says Merry Christmas like having my gin-soaked ass being all comfy in some new warm jammies while simultaneously posing with my equally gin-soaked sisters in front of a life sized Santa doll (don't ask...)

I think that Twitter is my rock and roll.  Meaning that parents in the 50's didn't understand Elvis's gyrating pelvis; I am at a loss as to how expressing oneself in 140 characters became so popular.  Tweeting sounds like something that would occur in a really bad Disney after-school special.

Which probably just ages me even more...I don't think they have those anymore.  Fuck. When did 31 become old?

Maybe I can have a midlife crisis and go tweet about it...

Tuesday, December 20, 2011


So my computer got a virus-y/Trojan thing tonight.  I called some tech support people and mortgaged my future children to Rumpelstiltskin or something to get it fixed (HA!  Joke's on you mothafuckers...I'M NOT HAVING ANY FUTURE CHILDREN!  AW, SNAP!)

While I was on the phone with them, Deogie got slightly (ahem) excited.  Alexis saw this and asked, "What is that pink thing there?  It's gross?"  To which I replied, "It is his penis, Alexis."


I lost it.  Just lost it.  Poor Rumpelstiltskin on the phone probably thought I was totally insane.  I wanted to tell him, "Well, I did used to sell sex toys..." but wisely refrained as he did have remote control over my computer at that point...

Sunday, December 18, 2011


Actual texting between Elizabeth and me:

E:  What time are you coming to get me?

Me:  What time they kicking yo ass out?

E:  What?

Me:  What time they kicking yo ass out?  In other words, when does Janel want you gone?

E:  She said whenever.

Me:  How about I send Charles when he is done burning?   (Clarification:  he was burning garbage, not in hell or like he was on fire or anything...)

E:  What time will that be?

Me:  I will inquire forthwith.

E:  Your (sic) messed up today lol

Me:  And I  have not even been drinking.  Charles says noonish.

E:  OK, so does that mean you have been drinking?

Me:  No, that would be irresponsible.  And vaguely alcoholic like.  But only if you attend meetings.  If not then you are just a drunk.

E:  Only vaguely?

Me:  Well it all hinges on the meeting attendance.  But I am not drinking so it is a moot point I think.

E:  Well alright then

Now THAT is some fantastic parenting there.  Where is my fucking award?

Wednesday, December 7, 2011


We took Charlie to Build A Bear last weekend. ("We" is my sister, Elizabeth, Alexis, and myself.)  My sister did this for Alexis for her first birthday, and for Elizabeth for several of hers when she was older.  And before you get all butt hurt for Elizabeth, that was because it did not exist in Ohio for her first birthday, plus she was a poor college student back then and she had to spend what little money she had on necessities like cheap vodka, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Ramen noodles, and condoms. 

It was fun to watch Charlie pick out the bear (actually, a doggie, that we oh so creatively named Doggie for her.  We are a very inventive bunch, fo shure...)  She had a very scientific method here that involved staring down the various animal skins (which really resembled bear skin rugs.  I had a barely contained desire to spread them out in front of the various displays of BAB furniture that were around the store.  I am sure that all of the parents that were there with their sweet innocent children would TOTALLY appreciate the humor in that...).  She then would attempt to remove their eyeballs and pick their noses; if they passed this test then came the final exam of chewing on the ear.  Only Doggie got that far, so I am assuming that there was some pretty stringent requirements that the various animals had to meet that only Doggie met.  Picking out the outfit was easy though...much to my delight, she went right for the Tinkerbell outfit (I call her Princess Tinkerbell, which came from Princess Tink, which evolved from Princess Stinker, which came from Stinker, which came from her being completely uncooperative as a fetus during her non stress tests and ultrasounds.  She definitely earned that nick name then.)

However, she now hates that outfit during bedtime.  In fact, we had to remove it.  Doggie is now naked.  (As a side note, so is Alexis's Beary (notice the originality in naming?).  I am not sure if this is something I should be concerned about with my children, but hey...look who their mother is.  I used to sell sex toys, for God's sake.)

Isn't it funny about what kids get into their minds?  I remember when I was younger someone talking about losing their temper.  I vividly remember walking around our front yard, looking for what I thought was a snake-like creature.  Elizabeth, when she was younger, once asked me why heaven had a gate around it.  Turns out that all the times I pointed out the cemetery where my grandmother, her namesake was buried, and then told her later that she was in heaven, she thought that the cemetery was heaven.  Alexis's first sentence was at the corner store, with Elizabeth and her best friend Jewel.  We were having ice cream and Alexis turned to me and said, "I a big kid".  I was confused, then asked her if she was a big kid because she was having ice cream.  She grinned from ear to ear and nodded.  So it totally follows that Charlie would be OK with her Doggie wearing its clothes during the day only.  In some brand of kiddie logic, it makes sense.