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Friday, December 6, 2013


As I was driving home from work tonight, I got to wondering what ever happened to those letters that you use to get from certain people around know, the vaguely brag-y letters extolling all of the wonderful things their family accomplished over the year while you are all over here like, "Uh, I paid my gas bill on time! Go me!"  Then I realized that all that has gotten replaced in our instant gratification society by such things as Pinterest, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. Don't ask me what made me think of mind is truly a wondrous mystery sometimes.  I then got to thinking about what my letter would say if I were to write one...which, let's be honest here, would never be likely as I can't be arsed to write out Christmas cards...Here you go.  Welcome to my mind:

Dear Bitchez,

Hello all from tropical Ohio, ha ha!  It is sure wonderful to live in a climate where you can be ready to go swimming in the morning and shoveling snow in the evening!  Gives the ol' sinuses a great work out and makes it super fun to figure out what the hell to dress the children in so you aren't judged by other parents!

The girls are all doing fabulously, despite their parents' best efforts to completely fuck up their lives.  Elizabeth is 16 now (insert cliched, tired joke about getting off the roadways...)  She does in fact have her license and is a fantastic bundle of emotional lability, neediness, and temper tantrums when she does not get her way.  Living with a teenager is super fun and fantastic!

Alexis is dancing competitively now, which according to some means that she will learn bad things such as confidence, physical fitness, and ownership of her body.  At least until she is offed by some deranged murderer or something because as a parent I clearly lack any capability to teach her safety rules since I let her dance in competitions!

Charlie has not killed anyone, that I know of at least.  She is a fantastic bundle of emotional lability, neediness, and temper tantrums when she does not get her way ha ha HA OMG I have a preschooler and a teenager in the house at the same time someone hold me until it is over PLEASE!!!

I am working at a place that believes firmly in things such as micromanaging, employee burnout, and lynching whistle blowers and people who engage in their own critical thinking.  It is super good for my emotional and mental health in the way that it is super healthy to allow Mike Tyson to teach anger management.  I also decided recently to greatly reduce my intake of gluten as I feel pretty strongly that it can be the devil.  I also recently completed the whole30, which totally makes me better than you somehow.  But don't worry!  I haven't descended completely into the bottomless pit of tree-hugging hippiness, despite making my own laundry soap and bread as well!  I still firmly believe in the power of self-medicating with alcohol and chocolate and am not above seeking out Xanax as needed!

Charles is still working a lot.  He often times has this look in his eyes...I wouldn't quite call it despair...but let's be honest here, he lives with four females.  He spends a lot of time with our (male) dogs.

Speaking of!  They are doing well as well.  Spartacus still tends to emotionally eat.  Actually, anytime food is presented he has an emotion and needs to maybe he just really likes food.  Maximus is as dumb as ever and tends to flop over where ever you push him down...not that I have tested this or anything.  Deogie loves to try to hump the cat, which resulted in some super cool sex talks with the little girls!  We also have fish upstairs, but really does anyone count fish as actual pets?

I can't wait to see what kind of new adventures come for 2014 with my family.  Hopefully nothing involving the legal system or any form of bankruptcy!

Have a Merry Christmas!

Laura, Charles, Elizabeth, Alexis, and Charlie

Now THAT, bitchez...that is an honest letter.   I may look into sending that out this year.  Eh, who am I kidding?