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Tuesday, May 10, 2016


It pains me to have to write this post.

Mostly because it makes me feel like the equivalent of the old timers in a barber shop lamenting the state of today's youth.  However, in this case, I am sitting in a theatre watching in disbelief as entire families, like literally dozens of people, got up to leave after their child's performance.  In some cases, before intermission.

What. The. Fuck.

Why do I have to write a "how not to be an asshole at a dance recital" post?

I am sorry, your child ain't that special.  It's not like they had a solo, because NO ONE had a solo.  The solos did not perform at this recital.  None of the competition families, who's children ARE that special (and also put hours of work in WEEKLY vs your one little 45 min class), got up and left.  They might have cheered very loudly, but they stayed seated unless it was to go do a costume change.  And even if they did have to go help backstage, they returned...leaving after your kid performs takes douche-baggery to a whole new level.

You go to a recital, you sit through the whole entire thing.  You may or may not make fun of all of the other children who aren't yours (*ahem* not that I've ever been privy to this happening...) but you sit there the whole time and you clap after each number and laugh at the kids who stand there and stare terrified out at the audience in a moment they are sure to re-live with their therapist as an adult.

You sure as fuck don't get up and leave and then stand out in the lobby and laugh and talk and ooh and aah over your preschooler while ignoring the fact that every other child in that recital worked just as fucking hard as your kid.  In the case of the competition kids, EVEN harder than your kid.  And that is not including all of the time and effort put forth by the teachers, and the support staff, and the staff of the theatre.

Your child is not the only one performing.  What a big "fuck you" to all of those other kids when you get up and leave.  The idea of being able to go get your kid after they performed was to bring them back into the audience...TO SUPPORT THEIR PEERS.  Not to be a douche bag like you clearly are.

It is a sad reflection on our society that people feel the need to make their little special snowflakes feel super duper special at the expense of other kids.  What does that sound like?  Bullying.  That is what that sounds like.  I no longer want to hear people wondering about where this comes from because they are the people who are leaving recitals early.  You learn this shit from home, bitchez.  And if you can't be arsed to sit through a fucking children's dance recital, you certainly can't be arsed to make sure you aren't modelling other bullying behaviors.

Take a good hard look at yourself here.  Children mimic what they see.  Would you be ok with another child treating your special snowflake like you are treating other kids?

If you are leaving that recital early...I doubt it.

Wednesday, May 4, 2016


One of the things that I like about the private practice work that I do is there is a bit of a drive home.  This can be a good thing as I decompress a bit after work and prepare myself for the onslaught of children, husband, and animals when I get home.  It can also be a bad thing as, well, anyone who has read my blog knows how my mind works.  And just think, this is the stuff that I feel is fit for public consumption...imagine what I keep to myself...

Anyways. (*side note...I  had someone say to me today that I use that as a segue a lot.  So of course, being the asshole that I am, I deliberately made it a point to use it as much as possible.) This particular day that I am thinking of, I was thinking about the whole idea of criminal thinking and the thought processes that must go behind the decision to commit a felony.  I mean, when does one cross the line and think, yep.  This is worth losing my right to vote and own a gun and I strongly feel I have a future working at McDonald's as a fry cook for the rest of my life (*another side note...I just Googled "does McDonald's hire felons" because I was honestly second guessing myself as to if they do.  They do, sometimes.  They are a franchise, so it depends on the store.  This may or may not be need to know info for you.  I don't judge.)

I suppose, however, that one is not considering the consequences here because one is supposing that one will not get caught.  Hence why there are probably a lot of really common felonies, like trafficking in black tar heroin and murder and rape.

I then made the decision, that if I was ever going to commit a felony, I didn't want it to be the ordinary, run of the mill felony.  No siree, I was going to commit one of the exotic ones.  Only problem was, I couldn't exactly remember what those were.  I vaguely remembered the mnemonic MRS & MRS LAMB for remembering felonies, but obviously I either did not pay attention or it's not a very good one because I did not remember what all of them were.  I mean, like the biggies, like murder, robbery, manslaughter, and rape, sure.  But what about the rest?  Again, Google to the rescue.




Again, might be need to know info for you, and again, no judgment here.

So upon perusing the list, I eliminated the ones you commonly hear of, the murder, manslaughter, rape, robbery, and burglary.  Arson is one that's sorta common, but I really am not into fire starting unless it's to get drunk next to one and watch a neighbor burn her cheek on a s'more (true story.  In her defense, there were a lot of margaritas involved...)  I wasn't going to go with sodomy because, well, I just wasn't and if I have to explain it to you then you need to utilize Google yourself (says the woman who is actively considering which felony, hypothetically speaking, of course, she would be likely to commit.)  That leaves larceny and mayhem.  I wasn't completely comfortable with the whole larceny thing either, so that left mayhem.  Again, not entirely sure what that was, so a quick Google search again indicated that it was "the crime of maliciously injuring or maiming someone, originally so as to render the victim defenseless"  I really didn't want to go there, either, cause deep down inside I'm not mean.  So I was a bit bummed that my brainstorming was not working out, until I had an idea.


Sounds exotic, and I would make it so I only impacted the super rich somehow.  Like convinced them that their puppies needed this special water to keep them from getting sick, and then sold them water from their hoses or something, because saving dogs (and hobos) is what I do.  However, I wasn't completely sure if it was a felony.

I was tired of Googling at this point, so I texted my older brother who is a police officer.  Luckily, he's known me all of my life and I often text him really random questions, so me texting him "Is racketeering a felony?" was not something that made him bat an eye.  Not only did he answer the question, but he expanded on it as well and went into it usually being a collection of crimes and against RICO and whatnot.

So there you have it, bitchez.  If I were ever to make the evening news, it is totally going to be for running some kind of a racket.  Anyone need some water for their puppies?