Reviews XV

Mango Mai Tai Bud Light Seltzer: Ok, this one’s pretty good but that may be because I’m coming from a comp where the bars were closed and I’m still reeling from the hairspray and eyelash glue fumes. It tastes like mango and has no funky end notes. It also is not triggering any of my poor life decisions nor does it leave me questioning my decision making...so win? I’d recommend it, but then you’d have to drink the others cause they don’t sell it by itself I think. What is sadness? The above statement.

Reviews XIV

Review of Bud Light Seltzer Apple Slices Cranberry Apple: I am shooketh, bitchez. This tastes like carbonated cran-apple juice. Strong endnotes of shitty catered wedding food eaten whilst tossing back vodka crans and silently judging the person who is only there because they are likely to put out after tossing back said vodka crans. If you don’t know who that person is, well, mirrors are a thing. Pairs well with walk of shame and penicillin.

Review of Bud Light Seltzer Watermelon Mojito flavor: Tastes like a watermelon Jolly Rancher, but like an off brand called the Happy Farmer you buy at a sketchy gas station in the middle of no where from a fat hillbilly in a leather vest named Bill with a bottle of lotion and a hose sitting nearby. End notes consist of mint and bad life choices.

Reviews XIII

 Review of Simply Spiked Limeade

Signature Limeade: Yes, it's lime all right. It's not bad at all, to be honest. I'd rank it similar to Texas Roadhouse on a good night, when the steak is cooked just right and the waitress never lets your roll basket get empty. It's not Fancy like Applebees on a date night, nor as trashy as Here's your one chance Fancy don't let me down, but it's a solid beverage with the potential to be added to the list of things that basic bitches like. Though TBH, pumpkin-spiced coffee is not all that people make it out to be. But Uggs (or a reasonable facsimile, because therapists don't actually make as much money as one would think so we look for the dupes...) are super comfy. So I would rank this between Uggs and the pumpkin spice. But it's lime. So I guess add that to the basic bitch flavor list? IDK. You do you, boo.

Cherry Limeade: Picture this: Matthew McConaughey takes a sip of this beverage. He goes, "all right all right all right". Then he takes off his shirt and does the dance from Magic Mike. That is the equivalent of this beverage in visual media form. It's good. Not too sweet, not too tart. Would pair well with popcorn and Magic Mike. But 100% not for the plotline because that was terrible. But this beverage is not.

Passionfruit Limeade: I don't know that I have actually ever had a passionfruit. It's kind of elusive, like blue raspberry or a good Katy Perry song. It exists out there somewhere, you aren't exactly sure where though. Therefore, I cannot comment on how true this drink is to the flavor of a passionfruit. I will, however, comment on how it is a delectable libation worthy of five stars. This has end notes of wondering exactly what a passion fruit tastes like, then not caring because if it isn't this, you don't want to know.

Blackberry Limeade: Now blackberries are my absolute favorite fruit. Anything that fucks them up is akin to a violation of the Geneva Convention in my book. Luckily for the Simply Limeade brand, this is not something that fucks them up. Good news for the Simply Limeade people because my love for blackberries may have caused me to catch a case if they had screwed this up. But alas, this concoction is a lovely blend of flavors that titillates the taste buds. This is best enjoyed alone so you can savor the flavors. Or because I am four beverages in and I can't think of any kind of appropriate pairing. But I like this drink enough to say the former, so there's that.

Reviews XII

 Review of Truly Getaway Pack:

Arctic Berry: Someone really needs to get with the marketing team at Truly, because when I think of the arctic, berries are not what comes to mind.  Weather cold enough to freeze off my nipples, sure.  Berries?  Not so much.  That being said, this is a delicious beverage.  Light. Crisp.  Berry.  Really, arctic, though?  Not enough here to freeze off nipples, so no.

Tropic Like It's Hot:  I'm suspicious.  They advertise that it is pineapple and "natural flavors", but I get a mild hint of that devil food coconut.  So I'm suspicious.  But once I got over my suspicion, I became paranoid that I was having gustatory hallucinations and that there was not any coconut and I promptly started to spiral.  SEE?  COCONUT IS THE DEVIL!!!  But despite the mild psychosis and mental breakdown, this is actually a pretty good drink.  End notes of pineapple, so there's that.  Pairs well with dreams of the tropics and a strong desire to sing karaoke "Caribbean Amphibian" while downing Jerk chicken and fried plantains.

Mountain Pear-adise: Well, aren't you a delightful little beverage here?  Lovely pear flavor.  Refreshing.  Like a cool mountain stream.  The marketing team at Truly finally got its shit together here.  This is a fancy drink, but fake fancy because it's a seltzer in a 12 pack of Truly's, not fucking Dom Perignon. Pairs well with a light charcuterie board.  Cause you fancy.  And if you're not...drink it with whatever the fuck you want to, it's just a delicious libation.  End notes of fake Gucci purses and moissanite engagement rings and IDGAF.

Desert Orange: Aaaannnnddd...we are back to wtf does oranges have to do with the desert?  They were so close to getting a 50% here, which I suppose is still failing so at this point, it doesn't matter.  This beverage is carbonated Tang, but in a good way.  Strong undercurrents of grade school and 80's drinks like Ectocooler and Mello Yellow and Squeez-its.  May cause a strong craving for TCBY, Orange Julius, and Jello Pudding Pops. Oh, and those little ice cream cups with the wooden spoons.  You must have the wooden spoons because otherwise it's just not the same.  But really, oranges and the desert?  Come on, now...