Reviews XXIII

Review of Truly Star Squad Pack:

Watermelon Wave: Well, slap my fanny and call me Patricia. This is a delightful summer libation and should be a permanent flavor in the Truly lineup. It's refreshing and tastes like a watermelon. Two things that anything watermelon-flavored should be, right? Like, no one ever eats a watermelon and goes "Oh, that was a very hearty watermelon I just consumed. I must go nap now like it's Thanksgiving and I just ate my body weight in carbs". I'm a bit salty that this is being released in the spring, though to be fair our weather for Spring 2026 goes from being summer-like to winter on the regular, usually within 12 hours ha ha ha hold me I hate it here I'm losing my mind...

Baller Berry: In keeping with past berry Truly beverages, this tastes of nothing. This is the potable water of the Truly Star Squad Pack. It is in fact fit for human consumption, but only if those humans are ones you don't particularly care for. Like, this isn't something that I would give to someone I hate or had a voodoo doll of or anything like that. It would be more like this is the beverage I would give to the date of a friend of a friend...not anyone I have any kind of solid connection to, but not someone I'm feeding black licorice to either (and if you like black licorice, who hurt you? Let's make a voodoo doll of this person...) End notes of screaming into the void because if I screamed at the gas pump while pumping my $4 gas that I was hoping to never see again, I might get taken away. However...see above...maybe I'm onto something here...if you see me screaming at the gas station, no you didn't mind yo' business.

Orange Slices: When I was a little girl, my grandmother liked those orange slices candy and always had them (those and the RED licorice bites, the licorice that is as god intended it to be...). This beverage is not orange slices (and thank Blessed Angelo of Furci it's not because those bitchez are sweet as fuck and stick to your teeth). This drink will not stick to your teeth and has an appropriate level of sweetness, thereby making it about the only orange thing I'm happy with these days. It's actually a really good drink, again keeping up with past Truly beverages. I'm starting to get suspicious that Truly is just recycling drinks, though the last orange beverage definitely had a creamsicle aspect to it, so maybe just tweaking it a bit to make a new flavor like M&M's is the way to go? I don't know, marketing is exhausting and I don't want to think about it beyond this is a yummy drink that should also be permanent.

Red, White, & Tru: Awww, look at the play on words here. So sweet and elementary. Speaking of elementary...this tastes like a bomb pop. Straight up. It's a happy descent into my childhood when popsicles were the best thing ever aside from pudding pops. They really should bring those back. I know I can make them, CLAIRE, but that takes the joy out of it. Jeez. This is also a good one, so 3/4 for this, and really the fourth is potable, so a win I guess? This is best consumed at night, when it is warm but not so warm that you sweat just thinking about moving, and while running after lightning bugs and watching the fireworks that your redneck neighbor Earl is shooting off even though it's mid-August. You don't question where he got them from because he's always just on this side of the law and the less you know, the less you have to worry about during the interrogation. OK, this review has gone off the rails, but in all seriousness this is a good one and tied with the orange slices for my fave. Both are reminiscent of childhood so I guess this means I'm longing for a day when the most pressing thing on my mind was the blisters my jelly shoes gave me before I got them broken in.

Reviews XXII

 Review of Truly Dream Pack Seltzers

Raspberry Rainbow: On the can, it says, "pot of gold not included." I'm channeling my inner Matthew McConaughey and saying it'd be a lot cooler if you did.  Also wondering if this is to warn off the same people the "Do not use in the bathtub" tags on hair dryers were made for, though I totally see the appeal of trying to multitask like that.  I like to think I have more common sense than that, but I once thought you needed to add water to Spaghetti-O's, so...Anyways, it has a subtle raspberry flavor. The only rainbow I've ever tasted is Skittles, and it does not taste like that, so they are about 50/50 with that advertising.  Pairs well with Skittles.

Citrus Cloud: Can says "floating with flavor".  This tastes like a subtle orange creamsicle. It reminds me of the TGI Fridays orange dream drink.  Makes me want to put on low-rise flared jeans with a peasant blouse, square-tipped French manicure nails, and barely there eyebrows, and go sing at the top of my lungs Hollaback Girl, listened to on an iPod Nano, of course. Then I realize no one wants to see me in low-rise jeans nowadays, and I get sad, so that tracks with the whole Xiennal nostalgia thing.  Pairs well with chicken fries from Burger King and a chocolate lava cake.

  

Strawberry Stardust: "Sip for the stars", the can says. This drink has a subtle strawberry flavor and, somehow, nothing at the same time. At the same time, it's giving concepts of a flavor vibes. Do I have COVID, and have I lost my sense of smell?  Maybe it's a tumor? Xiennials will remember from childhood: "It's not a tumor!" End notes of air, but at least it's not super polluted, so yay?  Maybe the flavor comes light years later, like from the stars?  IDK.  This has about as much flavor as a rice cake or those shrimp chips at a Chinese restaurant.

Pineapple Daydreams: Can says, "What dreams are made of". Ignoring the whole ending a sentence with a preposition thing that my eighth-grade English teacher made me believe would result in me dying alone of a horrible death of some sort under a bridge, this drink is the least subtle flavor out of the four.  Though why they chose subtly as a theme for these dream drinks is beyond me, because my dreams aren't subtle.  I once had a dream that I got pissed at my husband because he was dismembering people in front of the children, because I was a serial killer who was killing pregnant women to try to capture their souls on camera as they were dying.  Apparently, it is super inappropriate to dismember corpses in front of children. So yeah, take note of that.  Maybe Truly should work on marketing?  IDK what to tell you to pair with this anymore, TBH.  Maybe not serial killing?  Maybe cereal killing?  I don't like cold cereal anyway, which some people feel is akin to serial killing, so maybe we've come full circle here.

Reviews XXI

 Review of Late Night Loaded Taco Doritos:

It tastes like a taco. Like legit a taco in tortilla chip form. Down to the lettuce. I have questions. Like, how did they get lettuce flavor? Do I even want to know where that flavor comes from? How can we make lettuce flavoring for a tortilla chip but we can't figure out fucking healthcare in the wealthiest nation on the planet? The lettuce flavor has got to be a placebo effect of some sort. I'm holding onto that theory for dear life because I don't want to envision what animal's bunghole lettuce flavoring comes from. I imagine that these would pair well with a margarita, but I currently lack said margarita. Sad. The little girls said these tasted like sadness and vomit; Charles and I say they taste like a taco. We all agree there is the taste of lettuce. I've never had sad vomit lettuce though, so IDK what my kids are smoking. Which, given my parenting history, probably tracks, so there's that. Anyways, who's gonna bring me a frozen margarita and a bag of these bad boys cause I'm pretty sure my hubby just finished the bag off....???

Reviews XX

 This review is brought to you courtesy of Melissa, my lovely neighbor.

Review of Angry Orchard Hard Cider Thriller Pack, Headless Pumpkin: This tastes like how I imagine a basic white bitch would taste in the fall. Drinking this will give you a strong desire to put on some Uggs and a cute flannel with leggings and a fur-lined stocking hat. You will then start to question why white women got to claim fall as their thing and will soon spiral into a whole conspiracy theory about it wherein the deep state is pitting the American people against each other and it all started with pumpkin spice and white girls. You will then realize that you have a problem and promptly contact your therapist. So drink this cause it's good for my business. End notes of pumpkin and corn mazes and hay rides and live laugh love signs.

Review of Angry Orchard Hard Cider Thriller Pack, Berry Bewitched:
This is a solidly mediocre beverage. There are notes of berry and apple cider simultaneously, which is as confusing as why Rose did not pull Jack onto the door. It's not the worst thing I've put in my mouth but also not to the level of something I would actively seek out. I would drink this if I had the choice between it and eggnog (made from eggs, the other devil food). Pairs well with middle-aged IDGAF and mindlessly scrolling on TikTok until you get that lady who shames you for scrolling for too long.

Sourdough

 Alas, this is not a post about sourdough.  Well, at least not completely.  It was the catalyst for a lot of things.  But really, I'm here to introduce my chickens.

So how the hell do I go from sourdough to chickens?  Well, there apparently is a sourdough to chicken pipeline that I was not aware of, dating back to the pandemic when everyone decided to start making sourdough.  I did not back then; sourdough was a recent development for me.  Back then, the idea of having yeast pulled from the environment while there was a pandemic going on kinda freaked me out.  But, one day I was bored and decided to grow my own little spawn, named her Aiofe, and we were off.

Then, I was on The Tok and they said that when you start with sourdough and name it and all, your next step is chickens, and then like a whole ass homestead.  So I guess I am right on track with this pipeline of which I was not aware, but fuck it, it keeps me off the streets when I am done with my homework, right?  Plus, fresh eggs so...

Which leads me to the chickens.  The girls.  Not allowed roosters in town because they are loud AF, which is good because the fucking tree frogs are loud enough in their desire to get laid.  They need to be more like fireflies and just flash lights to get laid.  Like goddamn, the loud mouths in the bar are usually the least likely to get consensual sex, so STFU tree frogs.

Anyways, here are the ladies!

Two pictures because her feathers have this really cool iridescent purple/blue to them. The camera does not do them justice. Meet P.F. Chang, AKA Psycho

Coming out the gate with a bang, we have P.F. Chang, AKA Psycho.  I am pretty sure that she is the leader of a small section of the mob, mostly the chicken mob, really, and she will cut you because you dared to breathe the same air she has. She makes Kanye look stable. I am pretty sure she is on the FBI's most wanted list for crimes against humanity.  Or at least all of chicken-kind.  This bird will fuck.you.up.  And don't you forget it.

 Meet Rosalind

Rosalind is completely unbothered by any kind of thoughts.  In fact, her caloric needs are less than the average chicken because there is so little activity in her brain.  Think Hei Hei from Moana.  I am very glad that she is contained by the coop and the chicken run because she is likely to do something like walk off a cliff by accident. At times, she is startled by her own bodily functions.

 Meet Ginger

Original name, amirite?  Ginger is beautiful and she knows it, but it comes across as totally bitchy and shallow.  If chickens had a Mean Girls prom and cheerleading squad, she would totally be on it.  In fact, I did consider naming her Regina. I count her amongst the mildly personality disordered. She is the kind of girl who would have no problem going to college to find a rich husband, then sleep with the pool boy and run off with him when her husband inevitably gets popped for insider trading.

 Meet Esther

Esther is the Boomer of the group.  She enjoys things like liver and onions, Tuesday bridge club, and playing canasta whilst enjoying a nice Manhattan and chicken salad on a lettuce leaf with the girls.  She is also the gossip of the group and has been known to whisper about P.F. Chang's unsavory background whilst clutching her metaphorical pearls.  If chickens wore hats and gloves, she would.  Don't be deceived, though...she once let a boy get fresh with her in his daddy's car before they were even dating!

Meet Edna

Now, Edna is beautiful and also knows it, but she's not a total twat waffle about it.  She's one of those souls that are so innocent and all sugar and spice, but don't let that fool you.  Edna can also bring a grown man to his knees with her black belt ninja moves and actually cusses like a sailor in private.  She enjoys allowing the belligerent men from above to underestimate her because she's all pretty and cute, and then buys their companies out from underneath them in a hostile takeover, all the while smiling and somehow making them believe that it was their idea all along.

Meet Beverly

Beverly is also completely unbothered by any kind of thoughts or things like "common sense" or "any kind of survival instincts". She floats through life not really sure how anything works, but secure in the knowledge that somehow it all does.  She reminds me a lot of Pinkie Pie from My Little Pony.  In fact, if I were to take her Trick or Treating for Halloween, that is exactly what her costume would be because it's scary how an animated cartoon revival from the 80's version has captured her essence in a pink pony.  Her theme song should be Pink Pony Club, but not necessarily because she is gay but because she reminds me of a pink pony from an animated cartoon revival from the 80's My Little Pony.

Meet Ethel

Last but not least, we have Ethel.  Ethel is a retired NASA mathematician whose work was instrumental in the original launching of Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin to the moon.  She doesn't make a big deal of it because she's not an asshole and she understands that people could be intimidated by a mathematician.  She does have great stories, though, about the debate about who should walk on the moon first.  Ethel smokes slim menthol cigarettes and can line dance like a 20 year old.  She does enjoy daytime talk shows as a guilty pleasure and has been known to cry at episodes of Say Yes to the Dress.

Reviews XIX

Review of Smirnoff Ice Sunny Days Cosmic Snow Cone: I had concerns initially looking at the can of this beverage because it kinda reminds me of cotton candy and if this was that flavor, I was going to be pissed because cotton candy is to be eaten (not drank) in a sugar-fueled frenzy that ends with a child crashing in their car seat with an overpriced toy from whatever sportsball/Disney on Ice/carnival they attended gripped in their sticky, slightly dirt-encrusted hands.  Good news, this is not cotton candy flavored so my concerns were for naught.  The can states "cherry and citrus flavored," and yep, that is accurate.  This would probably be delicious frozen.  You know, like a snow cone.  Whoda thunked it? This would pair well with a hot summer day.  Way to torment us Ohioans, Smirnoff.  Summer is still solidly out of our grasp and will be for a while.  I swear to GOD, if they release some kind of Christmas or Fall beverage in July, I just might lose my shit. I need to consume this on a 90 degree day, preferably while in my pool on my Big Joe floaties. Afternotes of I want it to be fucking summer already dammit and God I hate spring.

See? The can on the left.  Very reminiscent of cotton candy.

Review of Smirnoff Ice Sunny Days Lemon Ice: Remember Squirt?  This is it, alcoholic.  Also would taste quite lovely frozen.  It also reminds me of those Italian Ice things you can get at the grocery.  Albeit unfrozen. This beverage is quite fetching. I imagine that if Bridgerton were to take place today, this would be what would be served whilst gossiping about the crazy king and his frigid wife.  Except for Americans elected ours so really we have no one to blame but ourselves for that one.  But seeing as how we are gonna be back to women having no rights and men being ridiculous and settling things by shooting actual guns at each other in a so-called civilized manner, AKA a duel...like seriously, who the fuck arranges for a doctor to be at a gun fight?  Rich men who get their panties in a wad, that's who.  I digress though.  Bridgerton.  Balls.  Gossip.  Sipping Lemon Ice.

Review of Smirnoff Ice Sunny Days Orange Cream Pop: Anyone remember that TGIFriday's beverage, the Orange Dream?  That you had to blend up with ice but it was a lovely alcoholic orange creamsicle?  This is that beverage, but carbonated.  This would also taste lovely frozen.  I'm sensing a trend, but I could be wrong. (I'm not.  I felt the urge to be modest.  Maybe because of Bridgerton above, and that is supposed to be attractive I think?  IDK.) This beverage goes well paired with 90's and early 2000's music, while sitting in your house with brightly colored walls and honey orange oak trim, watching Trading Spaces or The Sopranos.  Pairs well with stuffed crust pizza, chocolate lava cake, low rise jeans, and camis that look like lingerie. And if that last sentence struck a chord with you, then it is time to seriously consider scheduling a colonoscopy.

Review of Smirnoff Ice Sunny Days Red, White, and Berry: Well, here is a bomb pop in a can.  Completing the quartet here, would also be delicious frozen and consumed in the throes of hot girl summer.  Except for my hot girl days are LONG gone and now it's just hot weather.  This is a refreshing cherry/berry beverage, with end notes of berry/cherry and a hint of citrus. And yes, I intended to reverse the cherry and berry there so don't come at me, OK? It should be enough that I do these reviews for free. And since this beverage reminds me of the Fourth of July, it makes me want a hot dog real bad.  And if that last sentence rings a bell with you, you probably have car, purse, AND bathroom ibuprofen. Pairs well with, well, hotdogs and potato salad and spending the next day in bed because you threw your back out playing cornhole and did not have access to said car, purse, or bathroom ibuprofen.

Nick

 I've been postponing this one.

My family recently went through a nightmare.  Specifically, my sister Alicia and her husband Nick were on a cruise when he had a heart attack and died.  Fun fact, dying internationally is a pain in the ass and super expensive.  Not only did we have to deal with the hole that Nick's passing put in our lives, we had to wait several weeks to get his body back and so were in this limbo hell of not being able to go through one of the central parts of grieving, the funeral.  

We were able to get him back before Christmas.  Now, I have to live without one of my coparents.

Wait, isn't Charles your coparent?  Well, yes.  He is a very involved father.  But Nick and Alicia...they were the surrogates.  They were present in my children's and grandchildren's lives.  They were THERE.  Nick was there before Charles was.  He was present for Elizabeth's infancy.  And now Nick is not here.  It still feels unreal, months later.  I can't imagine how my sister feels.  All of the future things with my kids, he will miss. He never saw Charlie play volleyball. He will not see Delilah dance, or Willow grow up.  He won't be there to go to haunted houses with Elizabeth or buy jewelry from her, or watch Jewel progress in her teaching career, or see Alexis graduate from college. There are no more playdates in the backyard, with extreme bocce ball (don't ask...) and beef jerky from a local farm.  I won't have to make him any cakes or cookies for his Knights of Columbus stuff, or curtains for his new office.

There's a hole.

Nick was instrumental in keeping Charles functional after Josh died.  He called him daily for quite some time, as he knew what it was like to lose someone very important. His mother has now had to bury two of her children.  I can't even begin to imagine that. My sister does not have her husband of over 20 years.  I also can't imagine that.  It has always been Nick and Alicia.  Hey, were Nick and Alicia coming out?  We are going to Nick and Alicia's house to watch Michigan get spanked by Ohio State. (He 100% facilitated that victory this year, I can tell you that much...).

I will never understand the why of this.  Nick did SO MUCH GOOD.  He had his faults, of course. Mostly related to his choice in college football teams.  But he also had a big heart.  He did things like driving past a house that I had seen burning down in our town, killing two people,  just to see how bad it was for me, as I had not been able to look myself.  He was a surrogate parent for many children besides my own. He did all kinds of charity work for his church. Roman had imprinted on him and decided Nick was his person. When I told him Nick died, he sat down and just looked at me.  He knew.

This post feels very discombobulated. That tracks.  Just...do me a favor and love your people.  Love them so hard. And live your life.  Nick LIVED. And loved.

Miss you and love you, brother.

Reviews XVIII

Review of the Truly Lightly Flavored Party Pack:

Orange Squeeze: Well, the lightly flavored part is accurate, but I am not complaining. This is a, well, lightly flavored orange beverage. It is pleasant, though I would argue that there is more than just a squeeze of orange in it. A splash perhaps? Though that implies that it is not fresh and I am sure that that was the marketing that they were going for with the Orange Squeeze name. Semantics aside, this is a pleasant beverage with end notes of...wait for it...orange. Pairs well with a thesaurus and the knowledge that you are friendless because you are arguing with yourself over the name of an alcoholic seltzer and no one wants that kind of weird in their life. But this pleasant beverage...you do want this. It's pleasant. I am trying to convince you that I don't own a thesaurus and that I am not that kind of weird. Just go with it, OK?

Pineapple: In keeping with the lightly flavored theme, this is a lightly flavored pineapple seltzer. More importantly, it does not have the flavor of the devil food, coconut, in it, which automatically makes it a win in my book. This is the kind of beverage that will help you through that awkward time of year known as Labor Day weekend, wherein you want to desperately hold on to the last vestiges of summer but also want to embrace fall and are wondering if it is too early to put out pumpkins and dive into the Halloween candy that you already started to buy because if you don't, it will all be gone by the end of September because the Christmas stuff will be out because the world just can't fucking wait for time-appropriate sales of holiday merchandise. But yes, drink this libation and simultaneously mourn summer and celebrate fall. Then make an appointment with your therapist because you probably need it. Bring them some Halloween candy. Then recommend this drink. 

Reviews XVII

Review of Truly Brunch Pack Peach Bellini:

Well my hatred of all things alcoholic peach is well known. And if you don’t know, well, now you know it ranks right up there with most Katy Perry songs, stepping into water whilst wearing socks, and the alt-right in general. However…this is actually good. I did not want to immediately vomit while drinking this. So either I’m maturing and my peach-related PTSD is subsiding (doubtful…) or this is actually good. It doesn’t have that fake peach taste so many other drinks do. Maybe it’s the Bellini part? Idk. I ain’t fancy enough to know off hand what a Bellini is, though I totes googled it real quick. Anyways, drink this. You won’t be sad.
Review of Truly Brunch Pack Cran Sangria: Well, NGL I was nervous as fuck about this given past nefarious deeds Truly has committed with sangria (I’m still confused about the cinnamon…). This, however, is a delectable libation full of light, flavor, and happiness. If I was gonna start day drinking with breakfast, I’d totally go with this. Pairs well with brunch type food, except for eggs cause they are still the devil food.


Review of Truly Brunch Pack Orange Mimosa: this is a fun beverage. Like, you legit cannot be an upsetti spaghetti and consume this. Unless you are some sort of psychopath which means you’ve got bigger fish to fry than if this drink tickles your naughty parts. Undertones of orange, shockingly enough, with a hint of desperately holding onto this beverage with the same grip you are desperately holding onto the hope that the election swings in your favor so you don’t have to relocate at worst. Pairs well with belting out "Don't Stop Believing" despite your family's obvious chagrin and possible bleeding from their ears.


Review of Truly Brunch Pack Rosè: Well this is embarrassing. For this drink, that is. It sucks to be the sole mid beverage in a variety pack but here we are. This beverage has middle child energy…decent enough, but not enough effort put into it to make it truly amazing on its own so it has to work hard to over-compensate for the lack of attention and ends up with crippling anxiety and a desire to attain the unattainable approval of an absent parent so you end up in years of therapy only to realize that you are good enough, smart enough, and doggone it, people like me. It doesn’t matter what you pair with this or what undertones or notes it has cause no one notices anyways.

Reviews XVI

Review of Sunny D Vodka Seltzer Variety Pack:

Tangy Orange: Tell me how this is different from the original that I have already reviewed?  I don't think that it is, but to test this I would have to buy both and that is way more alcohol than I want to have in my house solely for my consumption.  Even though you could theoretically buy the 4 pack of the original and the 8 can variety pack and have 12 total which is the same amount as a 12 pack (like that math I did there?  I've been helping Alexis with her Calculus so I felt like showing off...).  But somehow it feels different.  Plus more expensive and despite having adult money I'm still somehow broke as shit.  So let's just say that the original review stands.  Especially the part about financial freedom.

Orange Pineapple: This beverage tastes like I imagine the concept of a Nice Guy™ would taste if it were a flavor. It's pleasant enough. You will be willing to go out on multiple dates with this guy and you would have a nice enough time. It does not, however, make you excited enough to commit long-term because otherwise you will be destined for a life of mediocrity. You may as well have soup without any salt and flowers without any scent if you decide that this is your favorite drink. Just go on a few dates, enjoy the pleasantries, and move on with your life. And remember, you don't owe it anything just because it paid for dinner.

Orange Strawberry: I really feel like I either need to move on from flavored seltzers or these companies need to come up with different flavors because again, this is just a mediocre flavor.  It does not excite my  palate.  I am not moved to write ballads or sonnets or even a particularly long review for this flavor.  For those of you who are familiar with my Pure Romance days, this is the silver bullet of flavored seltzers.  It's nothing sexy, but will reliably get the job done.