Reviews XV

Mango Mai Tai Bud Light Seltzer: Ok, this one’s pretty good but that may be because I’m coming from a comp where the bars were closed and I’m still reeling from the hairspray and eyelash glue fumes. It tastes like mango and has no funky end notes. It also is not triggering any of my poor life decisions nor does it leave me questioning my decision making...so win? I’d recommend it, but then you’d have to drink the others cause they don’t sell it by itself I think. What is sadness? The above statement.

Reviews XIV

Review of Bud Light Seltzer Apple Slices Cranberry Apple: I am shooketh, bitchez. This tastes like carbonated cran-apple juice. Strong endnotes of shitty catered wedding food eaten whilst tossing back vodka crans and silently judging the person who is only there because they are likely to put out after tossing back said vodka crans. If you don’t know who that person is, well, mirrors are a thing. Pairs well with walk of shame and penicillin.

Review of Bud Light Seltzer Watermelon Mojito flavor: Tastes like a watermelon Jolly Rancher, but like an off brand called the Happy Farmer you buy at a sketchy gas station in the middle of no where from a fat hillbilly in a leather vest named Bill with a bottle of lotion and a hose sitting nearby. End notes consist of mint and bad life choices.

Reviews XIII

 Review of Simply Spiked Limeade

Signature Limeade: Yes, it's lime all right. It's not bad at all, to be honest. I'd rank it similar to Texas Roadhouse on a good night, when the steak is cooked just right and the waitress never lets your roll basket get empty. It's not Fancy like Applebees on a date night, nor as trashy as Here's your one chance Fancy don't let me down, but it's a solid beverage with the potential to be added to the list of things that basic bitches like. Though TBH, pumpkin-spiced coffee is not all that people make it out to be. But Uggs (or a reasonable facsimile, because therapists don't actually make as much money as one would think so we look for the dupes...) are super comfy. So I would rank this between Uggs and the pumpkin spice. But it's lime. So I guess add that to the basic bitch flavor list? IDK. You do you, boo.

Cherry Limeade: Picture this: Matthew McConaughey takes a sip of this beverage. He goes, "all right all right all right". Then he takes off his shirt and does the dance from Magic Mike. That is the equivalent of this beverage in visual media form. It's good. Not too sweet, not too tart. Would pair well with popcorn and Magic Mike. But 100% not for the plotline because that was terrible. But this beverage is not.

Passionfruit Limeade: I don't know that I have actually ever had a passionfruit. It's kind of elusive, like blue raspberry or a good Katy Perry song. It exists out there somewhere, you aren't exactly sure where though. Therefore, I cannot comment on how true this drink is to the flavor of a passionfruit. I will, however, comment on how it is a delectable libation worthy of five stars. This has end notes of wondering exactly what a passion fruit tastes like, then not caring because if it isn't this, you don't want to know.

Blackberry Limeade: Now blackberries are my absolute favorite fruit. Anything that fucks them up is akin to a violation of the Geneva Convention in my book. Luckily for the Simply Limeade brand, this is not something that fucks them up. Good news for the Simply Limeade people because my love for blackberries may have caused me to catch a case if they had screwed this up. But alas, this concoction is a lovely blend of flavors that titillates the taste buds. This is best enjoyed alone so you can savor the flavors. Or because I am four beverages in and I can't think of any kind of appropriate pairing. But I like this drink enough to say the former, so there's that.

Reviews XII

 Review of Truly Getaway Pack:

Arctic Berry: Someone really needs to get with the marketing team at Truly, because when I think of the arctic, berries are not what comes to mind.  Weather cold enough to freeze off my nipples, sure.  Berries?  Not so much.  That being said, this is a delicious beverage.  Light. Crisp.  Berry.  Really, arctic, though?  Not enough here to freeze off nipples, so no.

Tropic Like It's Hot:  I'm suspicious.  They advertise that it is pineapple and "natural flavors", but I get a mild hint of that devil food coconut.  So I'm suspicious.  But once I got over my suspicion, I became paranoid that I was having gustatory hallucinations and that there was not any coconut and I promptly started to spiral.  SEE?  COCONUT IS THE DEVIL!!!  But despite the mild psychosis and mental breakdown, this is actually a pretty good drink.  End notes of pineapple, so there's that.  Pairs well with dreams of the tropics and a strong desire to sing karaoke "Caribbean Amphibian" while downing Jerk chicken and fried plantains.

Mountain Pear-adise: Well, aren't you a delightful little beverage here?  Lovely pear flavor.  Refreshing.  Like a cool mountain stream.  The marketing team at Truly finally got its shit together here.  This is a fancy drink, but fake fancy because it's a seltzer in a 12 pack of Truly's, not fucking Dom Perignon. Pairs well with a light charcuterie board.  Cause you fancy.  And if you're not...drink it with whatever the fuck you want to, it's just a delicious libation.  End notes of fake Gucci purses and moissanite engagement rings and IDGAF.

Desert Orange: Aaaannnnddd...we are back to wtf does oranges have to do with the desert?  They were so close to getting a 50% here, which I suppose is still failing so at this point, it doesn't matter.  This beverage is carbonated Tang, but in a good way.  Strong undercurrents of grade school and 80's drinks like Ectocooler and Mello Yellow and Squeez-its.  May cause a strong craving for TCBY, Orange Julius, and Jello Pudding Pops. Oh, and those little ice cream cups with the wooden spoons.  You must have the wooden spoons because otherwise it's just not the same.  But really, oranges and the desert?  Come on, now...

Review XI

Review of Corona Seltzerita Classic Lime: This is the Wish version of a margarita. You’re hoping for a lovely tangy salty lime deliciousness, but it’s a copy of a copy, not a reasonably close facsimile. It’s not bad, but not bad in the same way that a Hostess cupcake isn’t a bad version of cake, but definitely not the real thing.  Definitely lacks tequila. Pairs well with Taco Bell and Hostess Cupcakes, but only the orange ones. Best consumed during the early poverty stages of adulthood, whilst sitting on a futon and watching a VHS movie on a CRT TV.                                            

Reviews X

Review of Truly Hard Seltzer Celebration Pack:

Peach Fizz: You know how people can have that alcohol that they regret ever having consumed for a variety If reasons? Yeah, peach schnapps was that for me. The reason? I drank like half a bottle Alicia’s freshman year of college the first time I got drunk. I’m telling you this because, for obvious reasons, I generally don’t like peach flavored alcoholic beverages. However, Truly managed to make this a lovely beverage that does not trigger my peach beverage-related PTSD. Way to go, Truly. Though not gonna lie, peach is not a fruit I associate with the holidays. Unless you include Flag Day and Fourth of July. Then sure. Holiday beverage. However, because this does not instantly make me want to turn on Santeria and put on cargo pants and get lit for the first time, I’ll give it a 4.9/5 stars. The .1 deduction came from it simply being peach. Sue me. It is what it is.



Citrus Sparkler: Again, not quite sure how an orange seltzer screams Christmas, but hey…at least it isn’t the cinnamon flavor of Christmas seltzers past. This beverage would probably pair well with either Christmas cookies (but not chocolate chip cookies because they are not Christmas cookies and I will die on that hill) or a hotdog with potato salad.

Rose Style: Explain to me, in little words like I am two, how a beverage can simultaneously be tasteless and have notes of Busch Light Peach? How? I am underwhelmed by this beverage. So much so, that I literally cannot give any further description. It's not not good but it is also not good. But how? I feel like I'm somehow being Rick Rolled with alcoholic beverages.

Cranberry Cheers: This tastes like carbonated cranberries. Which, given the name, I imagine is exactly what they were going for here. It's reminiscent of the can of cranberry sauce that my family just opens and puts on the plate in a big gelatinous cranberry blob. If this was not a liquid it would be exactly that but less sweet. It is not pretentious and does not pretend to be anything more than carbonated, slightly less sweet, Ocean Spray cranberry sauce in beverage form. This is the closest thing to a holiday-like beverage there is in this pack. End notes of holiday stress eating and avoiding your racist, homophobic aunt's questions as to why you have not begun to procreate yet.

Reviews IX

Getting caught up here...if I have repeated, I'm sorry. Actually, no I'm not. I'm doing these reviews for free. Suck it.

Review of Mufflehead’s Tropical Rain Seltzer: A crisp beverage with the flavor of tropical. Yes, tropical is a flavor. No, it is not necessarily a good one. Best consumed whilst singing along to red neck songs and petting the puppy dogs at the brewery.

Review of Risata Red Moscato Sweet Red Wine. A strangely fuzzy wine that has an indistinct fruit flavor that simultaneously can’t be identified whilst making you swear that you’ve had this fruit before. Subtle end notes of strawberry yogurt. Pairs well with Ramen noodles, Cheetos, and poverty.

Review of Simply Spiked Blueberry Lemonade: This is a sweet beverage with a broad spectrum of flavor as long as that flavor is blueberry lemonade. Violet Beauregarde would not turn her nose up at this beverage, even if it doesn’t come in gum form though I’m sure Willy Wonka could make that happen. Pairs well with Blackberry Sausages and Spewed Dumplings. Best consumed whilst wearing a My Little Pony nightshirt or Land Before Time jammies.
I decided to give the Bud Light Seltzer’s another try...mostly cause they have the Out of Office flavors out now so figured why not. So as I try each of the four flavors, I’ll be giving my honest review.
Classic Lime Margarita: Lime jello got carbonated then banged tequila. Resulting baby looks enough like lime jello to make the royal family relieved, but still has a vague hint of Mexican liquor and, strangely, margarita salt, somehow without actually tasting salty. Pairs well with Taco Bell and Cheetos.



Review of Truly Holiday Pack Sangria Style: Well, here is the seasonal piece. Again, “Sangria Style” is akin to calling Kanye a “stable adult”. Only one of those are true, and really, it’s a technicality. This tastes of berries and spices and if you like that sorta thing, this is for you. I, however, prefer my drinks more heavily on the berry side and I prefer my spices in baked goods even if my body hates me after eating them. I only drank like 3 sips of this and the rest is on my counter, still in the can for those who don’t get context. (Fam, if no one drinks the remaining two, they’re coming to Thanksgiving.) Pairs well with Hallmark Christmas movies and roast beast, who-hash, and who-pudding.


Review of Bud Light Apple Seltzer Strawberry flavor: Well this is a beverage full of whimsy and delight and fairy dust. In fact, I’m pretty sure this is the beverage middle aged Tinkerbell consumes during a mom’s night out wherein she drunk flies into the door of her house and then begs her husband to take her out to Taco Bell. Consuming this beverage might make you an aficionado of pink glitter and inappropriately clad fairies from children’s movies. Nah I’m just fucking with you on that last part. But seriously, whimsy and delight.


Review of Simply Spiked Strawberry Lemonade: I was fully prepared to dislike this as I do most strawberry flavored beverages are they are usually strangely thick, overly sweet, and just plain not good. This delightful beverage, however, was a lovely blend of strawberry flavor and, well, carbonated lemonade. Usually I am very disconcerted after drinking an alcoholic strawberry beverage as they contain intoxicants but also taste like cheap candy marketed to children with anthropomorphic cartoon characters and brightly colored packaging (a very strange feeling, similar to when you learn another meaning for “tricks” and the motto for Trix cereal becomes concerning at best and vaguely pedophilic at worst). Pairs well with a light charcuterie board so you can pretend you fancy and ignore the crippling student loan debt you have for a minute.


Review of Truly Holiday Pack Pear Martini Style: Well, they nailed the pear bit. Tastes like no martini I’ve ever had, but I imagine that is why it’s “martini style”. Perhaps akin to Kraft American cheese not really being cheese but a “pasteurized processed American cheese food”. At any rate, it’s some sort of a copy of a copy that was then faxed but somehow is still readable. I’ll spare you the “not really seasonal” rant but know the revolution is still on, emus and all. That being said, this is also a tasty beverage. End notes of, well, pear. Pairs well (no pun intended; in fact it was unavoidable because it’s Friday night, I’m too fried to think of a synonym because I’ve been dealing with Anthem all week) with a light dinner you didn’t have to cook and despair over the lie that children are sold over how great being an adult is.


Review of Mike’s Hard Lemonade Seasonal Blackberry Pear: I was expecting a syrupy sweet child’s candy flavored beverage that would combine chemical dependency and diabetes in liquid form. I was dead wrong. This is a refreshing, not too sweet, delightful adult beverage. I’m almost sad that I have nothing bad to say as this is a solidly above average drink. Sorry to disappoint.


Review of Sunny D Vodka Seltzer: Orange pop. Alcoholic, slightly less sweet, orange pop. May lead to confusion as it tastes like the last time I had financial freedom, but I had to show my ID to purchase. Consumption leads to a strong desire for a late 80’s, early 90’s breakfast…chocolate pop tart or toaster streudel with this delicious beverage. Eating those with this beverage may lead to a strong desire to watch your VHS of Beauty and the Beast on repeat, and/or Muppet Babies, The Smurfs, and The Gummi Bears. I would normally condemn this type of beverage as being marketed for children, but let’s be honest…the marketing genius who came up with this knew exactly what audience this was for, and it ain’t children. If you have ibuprofen in multiple places and know the connection between a fried egg and drugs, this is for you. End notes of drying glue on your hands to peel off and slap bracelets. And admit it, now you are singing “Gummi bears, bouncing here and there and everywhere…” You’re welcome.

Reviews VIII

Review of Mike’s Hard Lemonade Seasonal Pick Wild Berry: Well, I’m not mad. I’m disappointed. This beverage had so much potential. Lemonade. Berries. How can you fuck that up? Well, by making this beverage, that’s how.  This beverage is the equivalent of going to Fazoli’s hoping for a decent lasagna and being served the Encore microwave dinner version of lasagna. It tastes well enough that you can choke it down along with your tears of failure and a deep sense of shame that you will never ever get your parents’ approval, but leaves you with a sense of abject disappointment in yourself similar to when you find out your new lover has a getting wedgies kink and you go along with it but end up deeply unsatisfied. 

Reviews VII

 Review of Corona Hard Seltzer Spicy Pineapple: Well, the name is half right. Tastes like carbonated pineapple juice. Very much has notes of being so close but not achieving.  As disappointing as you are to your uber religious grandparents. But overall a solid alcoholic summer alcoholic beverage. 

Review of Corona Hard Seltzer Citrus Lime:  Well, this one’s name is not a lie at least.  A light citrus beverage reminiscent of childhood beverages with citrus flavoring of some sort. Pairs well with BBQ foods and s’mores. 

Review of Corona Hard Seltzer Watermelon Lime: Also tastes as advertised. Notes of trailer parks, Daisy Dukes, and cheap menthol slims. Strong end notes of watermelon and lower middle class grit. Pairs well with Achy Breaky Heart and anything by Travis Tritt. 

Review of Corona Hard Seltzer Mandarin Starfruit: This drink is good but tries to pretend it’s high class, similarly to Tara Reid at the Four Seasons.  Makes you acknowledge that you actually kinda like Nickleback and the McRib. Pairs well with Nickleback and the McRib.

Reviews VI

Review of Smirnoff Hard Seltzer Peach Lemonade: OK first off, WTF is up with all these peach-flavored seltzers?  I’m feeling some type of way about the peach directly related to my days of drinking at Bowling Green with my sister as a young impressionable teenager.  This may or may not have involved the better part of a bottle of peach schnapps.

This is a mediocre peach-flavored beverage. In fact, it is so mediocre that its mediocrity is mediocre. I drank it and immediately started to judge myself in a way similar to how I used to judge people who came into Friendly’s when I worked there (for five agonizing years) and ordered a well-done steak and then tipped 10%.  This pairs well with literally nothing and has a strong finish of John at the bar, who gives you your drinks for free and is sure he could be a movie star if he could get out of this place. 10/10 would recommend for someone that you don’t exactly hate but aren’t particularly fond of either.

Review of Smirnoff Hard Seltzer Pineapple Lemonade: It tastes like pineapple, with end notes of coconut, which automatically makes this terrible because coconut is the devil food.  Why does pineapple-flavored stuff have to have that?  Pineapple is delicious.  Stop fucking with it.  I will add that to my list of things that contributed to the downfall of society, along with the different flavors of Oreos and switching the M&M's shoes.  I am also not getting any kind of hint of lemonade, which is disappointing.  See?  COCONUT RUINS EVERYTHING!  My next imaginary political campaign will have the platform of keeping pineapple pure.  Hell, if the teabaggers  tea partiers/MAGA crowd can try to keep their bloodlines pure of influences such as black people and the gays and critical thinking, I can demand pure pineapple-flavored lemonade.

Review of Smirnoff Hard Seltzer Pink Lemonade: Well, finally.  We hit lemonade.  Continuing with the theme of mediocrity, this is not any particularly special form of alcoholic canned lemonade.  Would I drink it again if it was free?  Yes.  Would I purchase it again? No. For some reason, this beverage reminds me of my mid to late 20's.  As that was a very stressful time in my life, I prefer to consume beverages that do not remind me of said stressful times.  Again, if it were free, sure.  But even then I might just opt for a bottle of water, some ibuprofen because something is surely aching nowadays, and a phone call to my therapist.

Review of Smirnoff Hard Seltzer Blue Raspberry Lemonade: This is a copy of a copy of blue raspberry.  It's a disconcerting combination of unnatural phenomena: blue raspberry, carbonated lemonade, and alcohol that is a low enough percentage for a college sophomore to ask, why bother?  It's not awful in the same way that Tootsie Rolls aren't awful, but one would certainly not assert that it is a raspberry lemonade any more than one would assert that a Tootsie Roll is a delicious chocolate candy bar.  Pairs well with anything that you know is going to be disappointing, but you eat anyways.  Hot pockets, Cheese Whiz, and pizza rolls come to mind here.  End notes of regretting having adult money wherein you can purchase alcoholic beverages to review and end up stuck with 3/4 of a case of drinks you don't like.  If I were in my 20's, I would say party at my house, but a.) I'm old as fuck and hate most people, so that won't fly, and b.) if I were in my 20's, I'd likely be too poor to even consider experimenting with a new alcoholic beverage so it would be a moot point I suppose.