Remembering

I vividly remember September 11, 2001.
No doy, right?  I was always a bit skeptical when I would hear those "I always will remember exactly where I was and what I was doing when JFK was shot" stories as a child....but now I know how vividly such acts of violence can completely transform a person, a community, a nation.

I was driving in the car with Elizabeth on the way to the daycare when I heard on the radio something about a plane flying into the WTC.  Something was mentioned about "possible terrorist attack" and I vividly remember rolling my eyes.  That could NEVER happen.  This was the US of freaking A...I always hated the media's overreacting.

How I wish it was the media overreacting that day.

I dropped Elizabeth off at the center and returned home to get my stuff for my first class.  Acting for Non-Majors, Tuesdays and Thursdays, taught by Neil.  My roommate informed me that a second plane had hit the second tower and that the "Pentagon was on fire".  It still seemed surreal.  I got my stuff and headed to class.

Once I got there, people had found a radio and were listening intently to the news.  Neil walked in and spoke words that I will never ever forget: "Today is the day that America lost her innocence.  Class is cancelled.  Go do what you have to do."

Those words still bring tears to my eyes.

So do all of the memories of everything that happened after:  The firemen with the boots.  Trying to explain all of this to a not quite 4 year old.  Frantically calling a guy I was in a relationship with to make sure he was OK.  Watching those towers collapse.

Things changed after that day.  Ten years later, the effects of that day are still felt.  And the pain is still as real.

Tomorrow we are having Alexis's birthday party.  Ten years later, on a day that horrific, unspeakable acts of violence occurred, we are still able to celebrate a child's birthday.  Innocence and laughter will be in my house that day, juxtaposed against all of the solemn remembrances.  Elizabeth asked me if it was irreverent to  have the party that day.

No, was my reply.  They did not win.  We will stop to remember; of course...but we will not allow them to bring us to our knees with their hate and their violence.  We will remember and honor all the fallen that day the best way we can...by being Americans; doing American things; celebrating the birth of a child.

This is the US of freaking A, after all.

Insurance

I had a raging sinus infection (and double ear infections...) last week.
What else is new, right?  Welcome to life lived with Sjogren's Syndrome.  The meds I am on stop my body from fighting infections as efficiently as it used to in order to keep that same body from attacking itself.  Lovely, right?  So I am pretty much SOL when it comes to keeping a cold from moving into my sinuses or my chest and turning bacterial. 

What is new to me is the experience of having the insurance companies dictate what medications I can and cannot take, as well as where I can get my medications.

I guess I am fairly lucky that this is the first time I have run into this.  Though now that I think about it, I did have my daughter's ped look up to see what cough medicine he could prescribe, and my insurance company did dictate where I could get my heparin from while preggers with Charlie...but I have never had the experience of insurance denying a claim for a med that my doctor prescribed. 

I mean really, WTF does that doctor know?  I come into his office, fucking miserable from yet another sinus infection that I put off too long getting looked at (in the vain hopes that I could avoid having to pay that 20% coinsurance as well as the copay...), and he sees that I  have a shit ton of swelling in my sinuses and my earsies.  He prescribes a corticosteroid nasal spray and an antibiotic.

The insurance apparently knows better than he does and says, "Nope.  Not that one.  This one".  And in the meantime, it is almost a week before I get my meds while they play their games.  Because insurance companies don't work on the weekends, or the holidays.  Didn't these germs get the memos?  Didn't my body learn to NOT get sick because that costs them money?  God, so selfish!

Yet nationalized medicine will make this worse....how?  How is care not being rationed now?  How is this being effective?  Perhaps I would not have needed these meds if I had gone sooner.  Wait, that is my fault for expecting insurance, which is bought to cover these situations, to pay for medications.  Had I just gone sooner, I would not be in this dilemma.  Had I not been SO SELFISH and not worried about the cost, or saved more money to cover this situation while paying upwards of $3.65/gallon for gas and not getting pay increases because of the economy yet seeing insurance premiums almost double as well as the grocery bill skyrocket, along with gas and electric....

Or maybe if I had insurance that did not break the bank, if I knew that going to the doctor would not potentially lead to costly procedures that will bankrupt me....if I knew that going to the doctor when it was needed will not lead to the company being forced to go to a really crappy insurance like my work had to due to people ACTUALLY USING THE INSURANCE FOR WHAT IT IS FOR....maybe then this will not have happened.

Or maybe the insurance could just cover my meds so I feel better.

What do I pay them for again?

Shattered

It is funny how quickly things can change.

My last post reads so smug, so sure.  I should know better.  Nothing is ever sure.  Nothing is ever static.  Things ALWAYS change; not always for the better.

I will be all right though.  Maybe because of some of those very things I wrote about; maybe because I have no choice because I have children; maybe because it is really not as bad as I originally thought.  But I will grow and learn and be better. 

Perhaps we have to shatter so the pieces can be put back together in a new and more functional way.  I am reminded of the Tinkerbell movie (I  have girls, OF COURSE I have seen it 8, 987, 634 times).  She breaks the crystal, and in doing so finds a way to make it even better.

There is a lesson to be learned from that movie.  Going through it sucks, but a lesson nonetheless.