So since I am a therapist and all, one of the basic premises of my personality (besides being a glutton for punishment) is that I want to make people feel better about themselves. Keeping that in mind, here is my contribution for the day towards that cause. After reading these gems, you are sure to feel better about your parenting and mental stability in general.
Charlie is playing with a bunch of bowls of water and some cups and spoons. This usually keeps her entertained for almost a full hour. I happened to look over at her and she is standing on top of the picnic table where she is playing. I tell her to sit down and she sits...on top of the table. Advantage, Charlie...next time I will need to be more specific.
When Elizabeth was about five or so,we had a Jack Russell Terrier named J.D. Charles REFUSED to get this dog fixed. REFUSED. J.D. was lying on the ground one day, and his balls were sticking out from under his butt. Elizabeth, of course, notices them and turns to me and says, "What are those things under J.D.? Those...balls?" I lost it and laughed and probably peed myself a little. I figure that probably tacked on a minimum of 6 months of therapy...
These weren't my children, but just to show you that my stellar skills extend to other children as well (you know, in case you were ever contemplating leaving your children in my care...)...I worked at a daycare for years on and off. My last stint was in a 3 year old preschool classroom, co-teaching with my sister. We were talking about traveling or some shit, and what the kids would pack. We got all of the typical stuff...clothes, nightgown, blankie, etc. (Though one kid did throw out "ointment", which of course I cracked up about...what three year old says "ointment?") We were almost done when this one very sweet little girl pipes up with her contribution. Now before I tell you what it was, keep in mind that her father always complained about how old he was to all of us. Her contribution? "My daddy packs little blue pills when he goes out of town." The poor children did not know why their teacher thought that was so funny. I told them all to ask their parents, cause I am so good at deflecting like that.
Both Elizabeth and Alexis could use fuck as a noun, adjective, and a verb by the age of three. Charlie is probably well on her way there too.
Charlie comes walking into the kitchen in nothing but her diaper and a shit load of Mardi Gras beads. Charles turns to me and goes, "Well, I guess she earned those beads, didn't she?"
Alexis is driving along in the car with me when Rhianna's S & M comes on. She goes, "Oh, Mommy, turn this up! This is my song!"