So because I really like to put my Zoloft to the test, I decided today that I was going to join the community garage sale. That was today from 9-4. At 11 AM. I put my stuff out and got rid of a lot of baby shit...and made enough to go buy Alexis her bike. She wanted one for her birthday, but I am not so mean as to make her wait until the end of September (though certain other of my children may dispute this point...).
I felt a twinge or two as I was shameless giving away crap that I don't ever have a use for ever again. It is quite public knowledge that I hate being pregnant. I am happy about the size of our family. The twinge was not about that.
Rather, it was more about giving the damn Bumbo seat, the red toddler bed, the Jumperoo, etc. away before ALL of my children had a chance to use them. I had overheard Alexis telling her friend on the porch today as they colored, "I DO TOO have a brother! He is in heaven! I don't see him, though..." Talk about being shot through the heart.
I went about my day. I ran out to do the grocery shopping, and of course as soon as I get out of the grocery store, it LETS LOOSE. I turn and look at the west...sun is shining as brightly as can be. I am torn. It is pretty much a tie between what I hate more...water, or being pregnant. (This only applies to water that is on my body. I drink tap water like I am getting paid to do so.) Do I stay facing the east, in the rain, and look for the rainbow, or do I get my groceries, the crabby baby I have with me, and my tired ass, in the car and headed in the opposite direction?
Practicality won out. Plus I was cold. I got in the car and headed home, convinced that I was not going to see the rainbow. Disappointment was felt by all involved (which pretty much was only me).
You see, rainbows have had a special significance for me since my son's death. When I was in labor with him, I saw my father. Big deal, right? Yeah, except for he is dead. He was holding a baby, wrapped in the God-awful receiving blankets that hospitals use, and singing this God-awful song he used to sing to all of the grandchildren:
Teera, Leera, Loora,
Teera, Leera, Lie,
Teera, Leera, Loora,
Hush, now, don't you cry.
That was the first time since I had learned that I was going to have to deliver a dead baby that I felt comforted.
Fast forward about a month. We were on vacation, and it started to storm again. In the sky, there was a gorgeous double rainbow. It was almost as though my dad and Gabe were saying, "Be at peace; we are here."
Since then, it has always seemed that whenever things were tough, or I was thinking about Gabe a lot for whatever reason (well, more than usual I should say...) a rainbow will come out.
It did not fail me today, either. Looking in my rear view mirror, I saw the biggest, most beautiful rainbow against the dark slate gray storm clouds. I almost drove the car off the road; I literally could not take my eyes off of it. It was THAT brilliant and beautiful and big.