So since I was off work this morning, I was posting a lot on Facebook. Mostly just the random ramblings of a deranged mind, really, but I hadn't had time off during the week for a while so it felt good to make an ass out of myself during the week. Someone posted a comment on one of them, something about always making her laugh. This of course got me thinking about some kind of touchy-feely metaphorical bullshit that I can post here about the importance of laughter in my life.
One of the main ways that I knew something was wrong after Charlie was born was that I had no desire to laugh. I still did, of course (given that my husband was shocked as hell when I told him what was going on) but I did not actively pursue it the way I do now. I went through the motions on the outside, but on the inside I would have been screaming if my psyche had the motivation to get itself up out of bed and to pour the gin out. All I really wanted to do was to crawl into a bed and fade away. I did not want to hear my children's laughter or to joke with my husband. I had no motivation to seek this out.
Monday through Friday during the week, I see very ill people. I see people who actively want to end their lives, or other's lives. I am pretty sure that I have looked into Satan's eyes a few times too. I see people who are hearing voices telling them to do awful things. I hear people tell me about the awful things that others have done to them. I see misery, sadness, despair, and a kind of grim trudging through the day to go to bed to get up to see another. Bleakness. Pain. Sometimes evil. I am steeped in it.
Yes, I know I chose this. I still love my job. However, I would not be able to cope with it if I stopped laughing. Any mental health professional who is reading this will be nodding their head because they know. The laughter is the antidote to the poison of what we do. It can truly numb your soul.
But even before I entered this field, I sought out laughter. I tend to be a sucker for men with a sense of humor. I strongly preferred comedies over dramas or horrors (and now I just really tolerate dramas and will not watch a horror. Or anything with violence, really.) Now, even more so, I have made it my mission. There is not enough laughter. If I can make someone laugh through my ridiculousness (and honestly, it is a little frightening how ridiculous I can be); if dropping the f-bomb at inappropriate times and engaging in hyperbole can brighten someone's day, I'm all over that like a teenager is all over news of Harry Style's most recent break up.