Elizabeth: So my aunt Jenn is going to give me her turtles when she dies.
Me: Well, that is kind of a crappy thing for her to leave to you. "Sorry I died. Here's a turtle."
Charles: Wait...how big will they get?
E: They are the really big ones.
C: Well, sweet.
Me: I don't particularly want turtles here.
C: Well, I was more thinking turtle soup...
E: You will be dead by then.
Me: (mishearing her) They will be dead? That is even more crappy! "Sorry I died. Here's a dead turtle for your inheritance."
E: No, HE will be dead. And those things live for a really long time.
C: No, I'll be alive. Assholes live forever. And remember, you said you wanted another 100 years of marriage with me.
Me: OK, first of all...what makes you think you will last another 100 years without me killing you first? And second, not all assholes live forever. I feel like Hitler was a bit of an asshole, and he is not alive.
C: Well, he killed himself.
Me: Oh, I see. Premature termination. Makes sense.
E: Don't talk about Hitler like that. He had Daddy issues.
Me: Like his Daddy didn't hug him enough? Or too much?
E: Oh. My. God.
C: Maybe there wasn't enough hugging, but too much cuddling.
(Elizabeth shakes her head and walks upstairs.)
Me: (yelling after her) Not everyone enjoys spooning, Elizabeth! (To her boyfriend, who is still in the kitchen listening to the entire conversation) Explains so much, doesn't it?