I have to get up ridiculously early to take Charlie to the bus stop for her school. And by ridiculously early, I mean probably a normal working person's time but I hate mornings as much as Marjorie Taylor Greene hates being educated on, well, anything, so I better get put in a damn fine nursing home because of this. Charlie at times will attempt to engage me in conversation and at these times I fully understand why some animals eat their young.
She got on this kick for a few weeks about asking me to make up a story for her. I started off strong with a story about a girl who discovered she has the power to stop time and to make changes, but unfortunately for every change she made, something horrible happened. Like for instance, she stopped the eggs from rolling off the table when she was with her grandmother, but then her brother broke his arm because of it. I soon realized, in my sleep deprived haze, that the caffeine had not kicked in quite enough for me to be able to write an ending for this story, so I somehow abruptly changed the story to frogs who grow thumbs and end up taking over the world. This, however, was too fantastical for Charlie (though I maintain that should frogs ever grow opposable thumbs they would be unstoppable) so I soon settled on the Three Little Pigs.
My version.
And here it is, in it's entirety. Enjoy.
The Three Little Pigs
Once upon a time, there were three little pigs who went out to make their way in the world.
The first little pig came upon a man selling straw, so he got a bunch at a fantastic discount and built himself a house out of straw.
The second little pig came upon a man selling sticks, so he also got a bunch at a fantastic discount and built his house out of sticks.
The third little pig, recognizing that the price of lumber was reaching uncut cocaine levels, decided to buy some bricks and built his house out of bricks.
So along came the housing inspector, and he gets to the first pig's house. He says, "Are you MAD, man? This house is a veritable fire hazard! Plus, it's not very good for the environment as this thing will be a NIGHTMARE to heat in the winter and cool in the summer."
The first little pig scoffs, "Come on, man, I don't need big government coming into my home and telling me what is right for me and my future piglets. Plus, climate change is a hoax and less than 1% of people in straw houses die from fires. This house is fine and I'm not changing anything." So off the housing inspector goes.
He soon got to the second little pig's house. He says, "Are YOU also MAD, man? This house has zero sound proofing. You will be able to hear everything and anything outside of it."
The second little pig also scoffs, "Freedom of speech, man. People should be allowed to say whatever they want, where ever they want, without repercussion or any kind of responsibility for the events that may follow their misinformation. This house is fine and I'm not changing anything."
The housing inspector then came upon the third little pig's house. He says, "Wise choice here, my man. Lumber is at uncut cocaine prices, but bricks are a solid alternative. Fire resistant AND sound proof AND good at keeping warm or cool air in as you need it."
The third little pig goes, "Yeah, I'm not a fucking moron like my brothers. I understand that laws and regulations exist for the greater social good and that not everything is a conspiracy to take away my rights and freedoms, which only exist because of the responsibilities that go along with them. I'm a pig, not a sheep for cripe's sake."
So of course, the Three Little Pigs could not be the Three Little Pigs without the Big Bad Wolf. In this story, the Wolf's name just happens to be Consequences For Actions, but we will call him BBW for short.
He gets to the first pig's house and goes, "Little pig, little pig, let me in!" and the pig goes "Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!" BBW goes, "Oh, come on, like your punk ass could grow any hairs on your chin. Plus, all I need to do is to light this place on fire, and you either come out or I have a lovely roasted pork dinner. Both solid wins in my case." So BBW lit the pig's house on fire, and, well, I'll spare you the deets but let's just say that BBW made a run to the store for some BBQ sauce.
BBW then gets to the second little pig's house and goes "Little pig, little pig, let me in!" and the pig goes "Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!" BBW goes, "Oh, come on, like your punk ass could grow any hairs on your chin any better than your brother." So BBW starts to hold Black Lives Matter rallies as well as Slut Walks and March for our Lives in front of the house. Then, when that did not work, he started to pound on the door and say "We are trying to reach you about your car's extended warranty!" When the pig attempted to leave to move elsewhere, BBW snatched him up like white women do to pumpkin spice lattes and turned him into brunch, complete with mimosas.
BBW goes to the third pig's house. He knocks on the door and goes, "Little pig, little pig, let me in!" and the pig goes "Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!" BBW says, "Like you could grown any hairs on your chin, like your brothers" but the third little pig did not suffer from fragile masculinity so he was unperturbed by the taunting. He went about his day, while the BBW tried everything he could to get the pig out of his house. He even tried to go down the chimney, which really just resulted in him getting stuck and embarrassingly having to have the Fire Department come rescue him and led to some interesting "Florida Wolf" headlines. BBW eventually gave up and left the pig be.
So the third little pig lived happily ever after to the end of his natural life. When he died, the butcher came and made bacon out of him.
Moral of the story? Live a good life by not being an ignorant asshole, and even after death you will make people happy.
My Venmo for therapy is included in my bio.
