Reviews XXIII

Review of Truly Star Squad Pack:

Watermelon Wave: Well, slap my fanny and call me Patricia. This is a delightful summer libation and should be a permanent flavor in the Truly lineup. It's refreshing and tastes like a watermelon. Two things that anything watermelon-flavored should be, right? Like, no one ever eats a watermelon and goes "Oh, that was a very hearty watermelon I just consumed. I must go nap now like it's Thanksgiving and I just ate my body weight in carbs". I'm a bit salty that this is being released in the spring, though to be fair our weather for Spring 2026 goes from being summer-like to winter on the regular, usually within 12 hours ha ha ha hold me I hate it here I'm losing my mind...

Baller Berry: In keeping with past berry Truly beverages, this tastes of nothing. This is the potable water of the Truly Star Squad Pack. It is in fact fit for human consumption, but only if those humans are ones you don't particularly care for. Like, this isn't something that I would give to someone I hate or had a voodoo doll of or anything like that. It would be more like this is the beverage I would give to the date of a friend of a friend...not anyone I have any kind of solid connection to, but not someone I'm feeding black licorice to either (and if you like black licorice, who hurt you? Let's make a voodoo doll of this person...) End notes of screaming into the void because if I screamed at the gas pump while pumping my $4 gas that I was hoping to never see again, I might get taken away. However...see above...maybe I'm onto something here...if you see me screaming at the gas station, no you didn't mind yo' business.

Orange Slices: When I was a little girl, my grandmother liked those orange slices candy and always had them (those and the RED licorice bites, the licorice that is as god intended it to be...). This beverage is not orange slices (and thank Blessed Angelo of Furci it's not because those bitchez are sweet as fuck and stick to your teeth). This drink will not stick to your teeth and has an appropriate level of sweetness, thereby making it about the only orange thing I'm happy with these days. It's actually a really good drink, again keeping up with past Truly beverages. I'm starting to get suspicious that Truly is just recycling drinks, though the last orange beverage definitely had a creamsicle aspect to it, so maybe just tweaking it a bit to make a new flavor like M&M's is the way to go? I don't know, marketing is exhausting and I don't want to think about it beyond this is a yummy drink that should also be permanent.

Red, White, & Tru: Awww, look at the play on words here. So sweet and elementary. Speaking of elementary...this tastes like a bomb pop. Straight up. It's a happy descent into my childhood when popsicles were the best thing ever aside from pudding pops. They really should bring those back. I know I can make them, CLAIRE, but that takes the joy out of it. Jeez. This is also a good one, so 3/4 for this, and really the fourth is potable, so a win I guess? This is best consumed at night, when it is warm but not so warm that you sweat just thinking about moving, and while running after lightning bugs and watching the fireworks that your redneck neighbor Earl is shooting off even though it's mid-August. You don't question where he got them from because he's always just on this side of the law and the less you know, the less you have to worry about during the interrogation. OK, this review has gone off the rails, but in all seriousness this is a good one and tied with the orange slices for my fave. Both are reminiscent of childhood so I guess this means I'm longing for a day when the most pressing thing on my mind was the blisters my jelly shoes gave me before I got them broken in.

Reviews XXII

 Review of Truly Dream Pack Seltzers

Raspberry Rainbow: On the can, it says, "pot of gold not included." I'm channeling my inner Matthew McConaughey and saying it'd be a lot cooler if you did.  Also wondering if this is to warn off the same people the "Do not use in the bathtub" tags on hair dryers were made for, though I totally see the appeal of trying to multitask like that.  I like to think I have more common sense than that, but I once thought you needed to add water to Spaghetti-O's, so...Anyways, it has a subtle raspberry flavor. The only rainbow I've ever tasted is Skittles, and it does not taste like that, so they are about 50/50 with that advertising.  Pairs well with Skittles.

Citrus Cloud: Can says "floating with flavor".  This tastes like a subtle orange creamsicle. It reminds me of the TGI Fridays orange dream drink.  Makes me want to put on low-rise flared jeans with a peasant blouse, square-tipped French manicure nails, and barely there eyebrows, and go sing at the top of my lungs Hollaback Girl, listened to on an iPod Nano, of course. Then I realize no one wants to see me in low-rise jeans nowadays, and I get sad, so that tracks with the whole Xiennal nostalgia thing.  Pairs well with chicken fries from Burger King and a chocolate lava cake.

  

Strawberry Stardust: "Sip for the stars", the can says. This drink has a subtle strawberry flavor and, somehow, nothing at the same time. At the same time, it's giving concepts of a flavor vibes. Do I have COVID, and have I lost my sense of smell?  Maybe it's a tumor? Xiennials will remember from childhood: "It's not a tumor!" End notes of air, but at least it's not super polluted, so yay?  Maybe the flavor comes light years later, like from the stars?  IDK.  This has about as much flavor as a rice cake or those shrimp chips at a Chinese restaurant.

Pineapple Daydreams: Can says, "What dreams are made of". Ignoring the whole ending a sentence with a preposition thing that my eighth-grade English teacher made me believe would result in me dying alone of a horrible death of some sort under a bridge, this drink is the least subtle flavor out of the four.  Though why they chose subtly as a theme for these dream drinks is beyond me, because my dreams aren't subtle.  I once had a dream that I got pissed at my husband because he was dismembering people in front of the children, because I was a serial killer who was killing pregnant women to try to capture their souls on camera as they were dying.  Apparently, it is super inappropriate to dismember corpses in front of children. So yeah, take note of that.  Maybe Truly should work on marketing?  IDK what to tell you to pair with this anymore, TBH.  Maybe not serial killing?  Maybe cereal killing?  I don't like cold cereal anyway, which some people feel is akin to serial killing, so maybe we've come full circle here.