Reviews IX

Getting caught up here...if I have repeated, I'm sorry. Actually, no I'm not. I'm doing these reviews for free. Suck it.

Review of Mufflehead’s Tropical Rain Seltzer: A crisp beverage with the flavor of tropical. Yes, tropical is a flavor. No, it is not necessarily a good one. Best consumed whilst singing along to red neck songs and petting the puppy dogs at the brewery.

Review of Risata Red Moscato Sweet Red Wine. A strangely fuzzy wine that has an indistinct fruit flavor that simultaneously can’t be identified whilst making you swear that you’ve had this fruit before. Subtle end notes of strawberry yogurt. Pairs well with Ramen noodles, Cheetos, and poverty.

Review of Simply Spiked Blueberry Lemonade: This is a sweet beverage with a broad spectrum of flavor as long as that flavor is blueberry lemonade. Violet Beauregarde would not turn her nose up at this beverage, even if it doesn’t come in gum form though I’m sure Willy Wonka could make that happen. Pairs well with Blackberry Sausages and Spewed Dumplings. Best consumed whilst wearing a My Little Pony nightshirt or Land Before Time jammies.
I decided to give the Bud Light Seltzer’s another try...mostly cause they have the Out of Office flavors out now so figured why not. So as I try each of the four flavors, I’ll be giving my honest review.
Classic Lime Margarita: Lime jello got carbonated then banged tequila. Resulting baby looks enough like lime jello to make the royal family relieved, but still has a vague hint of Mexican liquor and, strangely, margarita salt, somehow without actually tasting salty. Pairs well with Taco Bell and Cheetos.



Review of Truly Holiday Pack Sangria Style: Well, here is the seasonal piece. Again, “Sangria Style” is akin to calling Kanye a “stable adult”. Only one of those are true, and really, it’s a technicality. This tastes of berries and spices and if you like that sorta thing, this is for you. I, however, prefer my drinks more heavily on the berry side and I prefer my spices in baked goods even if my body hates me after eating them. I only drank like 3 sips of this and the rest is on my counter, still in the can for those who don’t get context. (Fam, if no one drinks the remaining two, they’re coming to Thanksgiving.) Pairs well with Hallmark Christmas movies and roast beast, who-hash, and who-pudding.


Review of Bud Light Apple Seltzer Strawberry flavor: Well this is a beverage full of whimsy and delight and fairy dust. In fact, I’m pretty sure this is the beverage middle aged Tinkerbell consumes during a mom’s night out wherein she drunk flies into the door of her house and then begs her husband to take her out to Taco Bell. Consuming this beverage might make you an aficionado of pink glitter and inappropriately clad fairies from children’s movies. Nah I’m just fucking with you on that last part. But seriously, whimsy and delight.


Review of Simply Spiked Strawberry Lemonade: I was fully prepared to dislike this as I do most strawberry flavored beverages are they are usually strangely thick, overly sweet, and just plain not good. This delightful beverage, however, was a lovely blend of strawberry flavor and, well, carbonated lemonade. Usually I am very disconcerted after drinking an alcoholic strawberry beverage as they contain intoxicants but also taste like cheap candy marketed to children with anthropomorphic cartoon characters and brightly colored packaging (a very strange feeling, similar to when you learn another meaning for “tricks” and the motto for Trix cereal becomes concerning at best and vaguely pedophilic at worst). Pairs well with a light charcuterie board so you can pretend you fancy and ignore the crippling student loan debt you have for a minute.


Review of Truly Holiday Pack Pear Martini Style: Well, they nailed the pear bit. Tastes like no martini I’ve ever had, but I imagine that is why it’s “martini style”. Perhaps akin to Kraft American cheese not really being cheese but a “pasteurized processed American cheese food”. At any rate, it’s some sort of a copy of a copy that was then faxed but somehow is still readable. I’ll spare you the “not really seasonal” rant but know the revolution is still on, emus and all. That being said, this is also a tasty beverage. End notes of, well, pear. Pairs well (no pun intended; in fact it was unavoidable because it’s Friday night, I’m too fried to think of a synonym because I’ve been dealing with Anthem all week) with a light dinner you didn’t have to cook and despair over the lie that children are sold over how great being an adult is.


Review of Mike’s Hard Lemonade Seasonal Blackberry Pear: I was expecting a syrupy sweet child’s candy flavored beverage that would combine chemical dependency and diabetes in liquid form. I was dead wrong. This is a refreshing, not too sweet, delightful adult beverage. I’m almost sad that I have nothing bad to say as this is a solidly above average drink. Sorry to disappoint.


Review of Sunny D Vodka Seltzer: Orange pop. Alcoholic, slightly less sweet, orange pop. May lead to confusion as it tastes like the last time I had financial freedom, but I had to show my ID to purchase. Consumption leads to a strong desire for a late 80’s, early 90’s breakfast…chocolate pop tart or toaster streudel with this delicious beverage. Eating those with this beverage may lead to a strong desire to watch your VHS of Beauty and the Beast on repeat, and/or Muppet Babies, The Smurfs, and The Gummi Bears. I would normally condemn this type of beverage as being marketed for children, but let’s be honest…the marketing genius who came up with this knew exactly what audience this was for, and it ain’t children. If you have ibuprofen in multiple places and know the connection between a fried egg and drugs, this is for you. End notes of drying glue on your hands to peel off and slap bracelets. And admit it, now you are singing “Gummi bears, bouncing here and there and everywhere…” You’re welcome.