Questions

I had some rare time alone with Alexis a few nights ago.  I say rare because anymore, we are so fucking busy I barely see my house and I *think* I slept in my own bed last night but I'm not 100% sure because, hey, we're busy and I haven't been home much so I vaguely remember what the interior of my house looks like...between volleyball for her, dance for both girls, doctor's appointments, me still working two jobs, and attempting to somewhat have some sort of social life and a relationship with my husband...yeah.  Busy.

We went outside and I practiced volleyball with her, strangely reminiscent when I would do so with Elizabeth.  This is also very funny as I totally suck at volleyball due to my t-rex arms and complete lack of upper body strength.  Attempts to serve the ball on my part are usually epic fails, plus the baby aspirin I take makes breathing on my skin give me a bruise, so now I have bruises up my forearms that will make people question if I am a battered woman more than they already do (I am so not, for the record.  Poor Charles.  I abuse him way more than he abuses me...)

We got to talking about a variety of topics.  She randomly got on the subject of coffins, and was shocked to discover that people are, in fact, actually buried in coffins and that this is not a Hollywood invention. (That's my honor student for you, folks.)  She then started to inquire as to why we feel the need to bury our dead, and we then discussed diseases that rotting dead bodies can carry, the fact that the beginnings of organized religion probably came around the same time as when humans started to bury the dead, and that now we not only have cremation and burial as options, but you can be created into a diamond to wear as jewelry as well as be put into a pod to nourish a tree.  (Side note:  When I initially told her that you could be made into jewelry, she was all horrified because she thought that you would just be like, wearing a dead person's body parts on a necklace like a charm.)  We then moved onto the circle of life and how it used to be that you would become one with the earth again but now I'm not so sure about that because of embalming.  I am also unsure how this will affect the zombie apocalypse, participation in which is my sole reason for wanting to be buried because I intend to fully participate.

Then somehow, we moved onto the concept of space being the new frontier and if there was life on other planets.  I had to explain the concept of a light year to her, and we discussed the idea of moving to another planet when Donald Trump destroys our current planet and how this would likely just lead to us destroying another one ASAP.  Then somehow she started to question how old our planet was, and when I told her billions of years old, she then questioned why it is only the year 2018 then.  Next came a fantastic discussion of BC/AD and how this came about, and how the current calendar was formulated.

Goddamn.  By the time we went inside because the mosquitos around here have decided that I am quite the snack and have been giving me quarter sized incredibly itchy welts so I wanted to avoid this, I was exhausted.  Not from the volleyball (though we did discuss how my t-rex arms plus big boobs meant I would never be a good volleyball player).  The conversation reminded me of ones you have with a preschooler in its randomness and the way that she listened eagerly, but it was so different too.  She actively engaged and added to the conversation and was forming her own ideas and thoughts.  She was...well, grown.

It is so hard to reconcile my little innocent girl with the woman she is becoming.  She still wants to snuggle and will let me hug her tightly for a long time, on her terms, of course, but I am well aware that those days are numbered.  I am bracing myself for the hatred and venom that will be spilled my way, and reminding myself that it is normal; that she needs to figure out who she is and to learn to think for herself.  All that so she can one day become a strong, independent woman.  It has already started in small ways...she won't say "I love you" to me when I drop her off at school, even if it is just in the car with the door still closed.  She made a joke about a log that had looked really inappropriate a few weeks ago.  She even told me today when I was complaining about an ad interrupting my video  "That means you need to get off of YouTube and do something with your life.  I heard that on a YouTube video."  I love her sense of humor and her good heart and her beauty and grace when she dances, as well as off the stage.  I am just wondering how it will be until she has questions I can't answer.  Mom, why does he want to break up with me?  Mom, why are people so mean?  Mom, why did that person have to die when they did nothing wrong?  Mom, why is there suffering and evil in the world?

Those are the questions that I don't know the answers to.  Throw as many questions about the universe at me as you like, child.  I can answer those.  I can still pretend that you are young and innocent with those.