Cookies

Oh, hey...been a minute, hasn't it?  Well, I've been busy.  Sue me.  Actually scratch that, because suing me is gonna get you a whole lot of student loan debt and possibly a sweet collection of cobwebs that I've started in the corners of my house (you can't criticize my housekeeping if I say it's a collection, right?  I'm totally starting that rule right now.).

Anyways, I figured I needed to check in so my 9 followers knew that I have not died.  Trust me, though, when I die I am so going to go around fucking with people until the zombie apocalypse happens, in which I fully plan on earning ALL my participation points thankyouverymuch.     (Side note:  I apparently have a thing for the zombie apocalypse because when I did a search to find the above links in my blog, no fewer than 10 posts contained the words "zombie apocalypse."  Add another notch in my crazy belt, I suppose...) 

I had a friend as me about decorating cookies with royal icing, with which I have been playing around some in the last few years because I like to ignore my children and create stress for myself.  I promise, this is related.  I gave her some tips, then re-read what I wrote and was like OMG WTF this needs to be a blog post. (That's how it's related.) But first, some pictures of my cookies to establish my cookie creds:

Some sweet little sleepy clouds.  Or they are stoned.  You decide.

I randomly made gluten free cookies and decorated them as chicks.  Because of course I would.  

And then there are these sad, deformed lambs.  Was I high when I made them?  You decide.

Now that I am done bragging and/or horrifying you with deformed lambs, here is what I wrote to her about decorating cookies with royal icing:

1 cup of powdered sugar, 1 T meringue powder and water. You can add flavoring if you want, just not oil based. I don't because of who I am as a person...that and my sugar cookie recipe has orange zest in it so I really don't feel it needs it. I start with a few tablespoons of water then add more as needed. I use a spray bottle for this as it's really easy to add too much and then there will be wailing and gnashing of the teeth as you try to thicken the fucker up. I beat it for a really long time...like 5 minutes. It gets super fluffy, like a luscious, cavity-inducing pillow. Then divvy it up and add the food coloring (keep in mind gel colors are the best, as the liquid will thin it out some. You can use them, just be aware of that fact.) You want some that is thinner for "flooding", then some a little thicker for outlining. Use a spray bottle for this as well, see above for why. There are a million videos on YouTube about the consistencies for icing. I normally do like a toothpaste consistency for outlining and like a slightly thinner than shampoo consistency for flooding (think like Log Cabin syrup). Another important thing to remember is after you add the color to take the bowl and lightly drop it onto the table to bring up any bubbles, and to watch for them when you flood. Pop those bad boys like a zit ASAP, I do it with a toothpick. On the cookies, not my zits. You can also do the same to the cookies themselves after you have flooded them (very gently, unless your cookies are like bricks, in which case I'm guessing also inedible so why bother? They will be full of disappointment on so many levels that bubbles in the frosting won't matter.) Also, make sure to cover any unused icing with a damp paper towel or it will dry out like a mummy. Mummified icing is a PITA to work with and it never ends well. You also want to make sure to cover the tips of your decorating bags/bottles with a damp paper towel as well or you will get a lovely plug of icing in them. This has been a known cause of mild alcoholism in cookie decorators.

Good luck!

I really should write a cookbook or something.  With instructions like those, who could possibly fail?  Episcopalians?   People with shortness of stature?  Maybe the stoned amongst us?  You decide.