Reviews VI

Review of Smirnoff Hard Seltzer Peach Lemonade: OK first off, WTF is up with all these peach-flavored seltzers?  I’m feeling some type of way about the peach directly related to my days of drinking at Bowling Green with my sister as a young impressionable teenager.  This may or may not have involved the better part of a bottle of peach schnapps.

This is a mediocre peach-flavored beverage. In fact, it is so mediocre that its mediocrity is mediocre. I drank it and immediately started to judge myself in a way similar to how I used to judge people who came into Friendly’s when I worked there (for five agonizing years) and ordered a well-done steak and then tipped 10%.  This pairs well with literally nothing and has a strong finish of John at the bar, who gives you your drinks for free and is sure he could be a movie star if he could get out of this place. 10/10 would recommend for someone that you don’t exactly hate but aren’t particularly fond of either.

Review of Smirnoff Hard Seltzer Pineapple Lemonade: It tastes like pineapple, with end notes of coconut, which automatically makes this terrible because coconut is the devil food.  Why does pineapple-flavored stuff have to have that?  Pineapple is delicious.  Stop fucking with it.  I will add that to my list of things that contributed to the downfall of society, along with the different flavors of Oreos and switching the M&M's shoes.  I am also not getting any kind of hint of lemonade, which is disappointing.  See?  COCONUT RUINS EVERYTHING!  My next imaginary political campaign will have the platform of keeping pineapple pure.  Hell, if the teabaggers  tea partiers/MAGA crowd can try to keep their bloodlines pure of influences such as black people and the gays and critical thinking, I can demand pure pineapple-flavored lemonade.

Review of Smirnoff Hard Seltzer Pink Lemonade: Well, finally.  We hit lemonade.  Continuing with the theme of mediocrity, this is not any particularly special form of alcoholic canned lemonade.  Would I drink it again if it was free?  Yes.  Would I purchase it again? No. For some reason, this beverage reminds me of my mid to late 20's.  As that was a very stressful time in my life, I prefer to consume beverages that do not remind me of said stressful times.  Again, if it were free, sure.  But even then I might just opt for a bottle of water, some ibuprofen because something is surely aching nowadays, and a phone call to my therapist.

Review of Smirnoff Hard Seltzer Blue Raspberry Lemonade: This is a copy of a copy of blue raspberry.  It's a disconcerting combination of unnatural phenomena: blue raspberry, carbonated lemonade, and alcohol that is a low enough percentage for a college sophomore to ask, why bother?  It's not awful in the same way that Tootsie Rolls aren't awful, but one would certainly not assert that it is a raspberry lemonade any more than one would assert that a Tootsie Roll is a delicious chocolate candy bar.  Pairs well with anything that you know is going to be disappointing, but you eat anyways.  Hot pockets, Cheese Whiz, and pizza rolls come to mind here.  End notes of regretting having adult money wherein you can purchase alcoholic beverages to review and end up stuck with 3/4 of a case of drinks you don't like.  If I were in my 20's, I would say party at my house, but a.) I'm old as fuck and hate most people, so that won't fly, and b.) if I were in my 20's, I'd likely be too poor to even consider experimenting with a new alcoholic beverage so it would be a moot point I suppose.