This review is brought to you courtesy of Melissa, my lovely neighbor.
Review of Angry Orchard Hard Cider Thriller Pack, Headless Pumpkin: This tastes like how I imagine a basic white bitch would taste in the fall. Drinking this will give you a strong desire to put on some Uggs and a cute flannel with leggings and a fur-lined stocking hat. You will then start to question why white women got to claim fall as their thing and will soon spiral into a whole conspiracy theory about it wherein the deep state is pitting the American people against each other and it all started with pumpkin spice and white girls. You will then realize that you have a problem and promptly contact your therapist. So drink this cause it's good for my business. End notes of pumpkin and corn mazes and hay rides and live laugh love signs.
Review of Angry Orchard Hard Cider Thriller Pack, Berry Bewitched:
This is a solidly mediocre beverage. There are notes of berry and apple cider simultaneously, which is as confusing as why Rose did not pull Jack onto the door. It's not the worst thing I've put in my mouth but also not to the level of something I would actively seek out. I would drink this if I had the choice between it and eggnog (made from eggs, the other devil food). Pairs well with middle-aged IDGAF and mindlessly scrolling on TikTok until you get that lady who shames you for scrolling for too long.
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