Review IV

Review of Barefoot Hard Seltzers, Black Cherry and Cranberry:

Generic fruit taste that is carbonated. Notes of mediocrity and “I coulda been famous if I didn’t get knocked up at prom”. You drink them because you bought them and you feel you should bear the consequences of poor life choices. #neveragain

 

Review of Corona Hard Seltzer, Blueberry Açaí:

Take a gas station blueberry muffin. Carbonate it, then make it get slightly flat but somehow also still carbonated. Drink it and feel the confusion grow. Pairs well with off-brand potato chips eaten directly from the bag and the crusts cut off a three year old’s PB&J whilst laughing your ass off at the innuendo in Barbie: Life in the Dreamhouse.

  

Review of Mike’s Hard Pink Freeze: Take Sprite. Add a dash of lemonade and pink. Put it in a tall skinny seltzer can, call it Pink Freeze, and put dire warnings all over the box to NOT freeze it. The taste is as unoriginal as the name and strangely symbolic of the giving up most Xennials have done. Pairs well with emotional eating and watching My Girl whilst sobbing because goddammit she TOLD you not to mess with the bees, Thomas J.

  

Review of Pabst Blue Ribbon Hard Coffee: I am so confused. Horribly confused. Tastes like chocolate milk somehow. How can the beer of your youth taste like an even earlier time in your youth? Pairs well with frosted animal crackers and Dunkaroos. Must be consumed whilst watching Full House re-runs and primal screaming into the abyss because you’ve realized this is what your life is now.