Sourdough

 Alas, this is not a post about sourdough.  Well, at least not completely.  It was the catalyst for a lot of things.  But really, I'm here to introduce my chickens.

So how the hell do I go from sourdough to chickens?  Well, there apparently is a sourdough to chicken pipeline that I was not aware of, dating back to the pandemic when everyone decided to start making sourdough.  I did not back then; sourdough was a recent development for me.  Back then, the idea of having yeast pulled from the environment while there was a pandemic going on kinda freaked me out.  But, one day I was bored and decided to grow my own little spawn, named her Aiofe, and we were off.

Then, I was on The Tok and they said that when you start with sourdough and name it and all, your next step is chickens, and then like a whole ass homestead.  So I guess I am right on track with this pipeline of which I was not aware, but fuck it, it keeps me off the streets when I am done with my homework, right?  Plus, fresh eggs so...

Which leads me to the chickens.  The girls.  Not allowed roosters in town because they are loud AF, which is good because the fucking tree frogs are loud enough in their desire to get laid.  They need to be more like fireflies and just flash lights to get laid.  Like goddamn, the loud mouths in the bar are usually the least likely to get consensual sex, so STFU tree frogs.

Anyways, here are the ladies!

Two pictures because her feathers have this really cool iridescent purple/blue to them. The camera does not do them justice. Meet P.F. Chang, AKA Psycho

Coming out the gate with a bang, we have P.F. Chang, AKA Psycho.  I am pretty sure that she is the leader of a small section of the mob, mostly the chicken mob, really, and she will cut you because you dared to breathe the same air she has. She makes Kanye look stable. I am pretty sure she is on the FBI's most wanted list for crimes against humanity.  Or at least all of chicken-kind.  This bird will fuck.you.up.  And don't you forget it.

 Meet Rosalind

Rosalind is completely unbothered by any kind of thoughts.  In fact, her caloric needs are less than the average chicken because there is so little activity in her brain.  Think Hei Hei from Moana.  I am very glad that she is contained by the coop and the chicken run because she is likely to do something like walk off a cliff by accident. At times, she is startled by her own bodily functions.

 Meet Ginger

Original name, amirite?  Ginger is beautiful and she knows it, but it comes across as totally bitchy and shallow.  If chickens had a Mean Girls prom and cheerleading squad, she would totally be on it.  In fact, I did consider naming her Regina. I count her amongst the mildly personality disordered. She is the kind of girl who would have no problem going to college to find a rich husband, then sleep with the pool boy and run off with him when her husband inevitably gets popped for insider trading.

 Meet Esther

Esther is the Boomer of the group.  She enjoys things like liver and onions, Tuesday bridge club, and playing canasta whilst enjoying a nice Manhattan and chicken salad on a lettuce leaf with the girls.  She is also the gossip of the group and has been known to whisper about P.F. Chang's unsavory background whilst clutching her metaphorical pearls.  If chickens wore hats and gloves, she would.  Don't be deceived, though...she once let a boy get fresh with her in his daddy's car before they were even dating!

Meet Edna

Now, Edna is beautiful and also knows it, but she's not a total twat waffle about it.  She's one of those souls that are so innocent and all sugar and spice, but don't let that fool you.  Edna can also bring a grown man to his knees with her black belt ninja moves and actually cusses like a sailor in private.  She enjoys allowing the belligerent men from above to underestimate her because she's all pretty and cute, and then buys their companies out from underneath them in a hostile takeover, all the while smiling and somehow making them believe that it was their idea all along.

Meet Beverly

Beverly is also completely unbothered by any kind of thoughts or things like "common sense" or "any kind of survival instincts". She floats through life not really sure how anything works, but secure in the knowledge that somehow it all does.  She reminds me a lot of Pinkie Pie from My Little Pony.  In fact, if I were to take her Trick or Treating for Halloween, that is exactly what her costume would be because it's scary how an animated cartoon revival from the 80's version has captured her essence in a pink pony.  Her theme song should be Pink Pony Club, but not necessarily because she is gay but because she reminds me of a pink pony from an animated cartoon revival from the 80's My Little Pony.

Meet Ethel

Last but not least, we have Ethel.  Ethel is a retired NASA mathematician whose work was instrumental in the original launching of Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin to the moon.  She doesn't make a big deal of it because she's not an asshole and she understands that people could be intimidated by a mathematician.  She does have great stories, though, about the debate about who should walk on the moon first.  Ethel smokes slim menthol cigarettes and can line dance like a 20 year old.  She does enjoy daytime talk shows as a guilty pleasure and has been known to cry at episodes of Say Yes to the Dress.

Reviews XIX

Review of Smirnoff Ice Sunny Days Cosmic Snow Cone: I had concerns initially looking at the can of this beverage because it kinda reminds me of cotton candy and if this was that flavor, I was going to be pissed because cotton candy is to be eaten (not drank) in a sugar-fueled frenzy that ends with a child crashing in their car seat with an overpriced toy from whatever sportsball/Disney on Ice/carnival they attended gripped in their sticky, slightly dirt-encrusted hands.  Good news, this is not cotton candy flavored so my concerns were for naught.  The can states "cherry and citrus flavored," and yep, that is accurate.  This would probably be delicious frozen.  You know, like a snow cone.  Whoda thunked it? This would pair well with a hot summer day.  Way to torment us Ohioans, Smirnoff.  Summer is still solidly out of our grasp and will be for a while.  I swear to GOD, if they release some kind of Christmas or Fall beverage in July, I just might lose my shit. I need to consume this on a 90 degree day, preferably while in my pool on my Big Joe floaties. Afternotes of I want it to be fucking summer already dammit and God I hate spring.

See? The can on the left.  Very reminiscent of cotton candy.

Review of Smirnoff Ice Sunny Days Lemon Ice: Remember Squirt?  This is it, alcoholic.  Also would taste quite lovely frozen.  It also reminds me of those Italian Ice things you can get at the grocery.  Albeit unfrozen. This beverage is quite fetching. I imagine that if Bridgerton were to take place today, this would be what would be served whilst gossiping about the crazy king and his frigid wife.  Except for Americans elected ours so really we have no one to blame but ourselves for that one.  But seeing as how we are gonna be back to women having no rights and men being ridiculous and settling things by shooting actual guns at each other in a so-called civilized manner, AKA a duel...like seriously, who the fuck arranges for a doctor to be at a gun fight?  Rich men who get their panties in a wad, that's who.  I digress though.  Bridgerton.  Balls.  Gossip.  Sipping Lemon Ice.

Review of Smirnoff Ice Sunny Days Orange Cream Pop: Anyone remember that TGIFriday's beverage, the Orange Dream?  That you had to blend up with ice but it was a lovely alcoholic orange creamsicle?  This is that beverage, but carbonated.  This would also taste lovely frozen.  I'm sensing a trend, but I could be wrong. (I'm not.  I felt the urge to be modest.  Maybe because of Bridgerton above, and that is supposed to be attractive I think?  IDK.) This beverage goes well paired with 90's and early 2000's music, while sitting in your house with brightly colored walls and honey orange oak trim, watching Trading Spaces or The Sopranos.  Pairs well with stuffed crust pizza, chocolate lava cake, low rise jeans, and camis that look like lingerie. And if that last sentence struck a chord with you, then it is time to seriously consider scheduling a colonoscopy.

Review of Smirnoff Ice Sunny Days Red, White, and Berry: Well, here is a bomb pop in a can.  Completing the quartet here, would also be delicious frozen and consumed in the throes of hot girl summer.  Except for my hot girl days are LONG gone and now it's just hot weather.  This is a refreshing cherry/berry beverage, with end notes of berry/cherry and a hint of citrus. And yes, I intended to reverse the cherry and berry there so don't come at me, OK? It should be enough that I do these reviews for free. And since this beverage reminds me of the Fourth of July, it makes me want a hot dog real bad.  And if that last sentence rings a bell with you, you probably have car, purse, AND bathroom ibuprofen. Pairs well with, well, hotdogs and potato salad and spending the next day in bed because you threw your back out playing cornhole and did not have access to said car, purse, or bathroom ibuprofen.

Nick

 I've been postponing this one.

My family recently went through a nightmare.  Specifically, my sister Alicia and her husband Nick were on a cruise when he had a heart attack and died.  Fun fact, dying internationally is a pain in the ass and super expensive.  Not only did we have to deal with the hole that Nick's passing put in our lives, we had to wait several weeks to get his body back and so were in this limbo hell of not being able to go through one of the central parts of grieving, the funeral.  

We were able to get him back before Christmas.  Now, I have to live without one of my coparents.

Wait, isn't Charles your coparent?  Well, yes.  He is a very involved father.  But Nick and Alicia...they were the surrogates.  They were present in my children's and grandchildren's lives.  They were THERE.  Nick was there before Charles was.  He was present for Elizabeth's infancy.  And now Nick is not here.  It still feels unreal, months later.  I can't imagine how my sister feels.  All of the future things with my kids, he will miss. He never saw Charlie play volleyball. He will not see Delilah dance, or Willow grow up.  He won't be there to go to haunted houses with Elizabeth or buy jewelry from her, or watch Jewel progress in her teaching career, or see Alexis graduate from college. There are no more playdates in the backyard, with extreme bocce ball (don't ask...) and beef jerky from a local farm.  I won't have to make him any cakes or cookies for his Knights of Columbus stuff, or curtains for his new office.

There's a hole.

Nick was instrumental in keeping Charles functional after Josh died.  He called him daily for quite some time, as he knew what it was like to lose someone very important. His mother has now had to bury two of her children.  I can't even begin to imagine that. My sister does not have her husband of over 20 years.  I also can't imagine that.  It has always been Nick and Alicia.  Hey, were Nick and Alicia coming out?  We are going to Nick and Alicia's house to watch Michigan get spanked by Ohio State. (He 100% facilitated that victory this year, I can tell you that much...).

I will never understand the why of this.  Nick did SO MUCH GOOD.  He had his faults, of course. Mostly related to his choice in college football teams.  But he also had a big heart.  He did things like driving past a house that I had seen burning down in our town, killing two people,  just to see how bad it was for me, as I had not been able to look myself.  He was a surrogate parent for many children besides my own. He did all kinds of charity work for his church. Roman had imprinted on him and decided Nick was his person. When I told him Nick died, he sat down and just looked at me.  He knew.

This post feels very discombobulated. That tracks.  Just...do me a favor and love your people.  Love them so hard. And live your life.  Nick LIVED. And loved.

Miss you and love you, brother.