Fifty-two glossy, shiny pages of crap strategically arranged to look way better than it is. Kinda like a lot of bills that come through Congress. Or a porn star.
Of course, Charlie came home all excited about possibly winning this watch thing that looks like a Fitbit. She only needs to sell 50 items to do this, probably bringing in for the company about $5,000 and earning the school about 28 cents. She only wants this thing because she asked for a Fitbit for Christmas because that was what Alexis wants and I was all like "The fuck you will get a Fitbit, you get frustrated when you can't get your hair in a ponytail and you throw the ponytail holder across the room. I sure as shit ain't giving you a hundred dollar electronic for you to get pissed at and to chuck across the room. That shit will break something maybe." It was totally in a loving, maternal way with no cussing, of course, but that was totally the gist.
Seriously, bitchez. We need to band together and STOP this madness. I once raised the question of why this fundraiser was still going on and was told that it was a big money maker for the school. Let's fucking strike here until there is a fundraiser that involves alcohol and an evening away from my children. I'd totally drink with some of my kids' teachers. They seem cool as fuck. I'm only down for a strike, though, if it involves some song and dance numbers, a la Newsies. I always thought knickers and a newsboy hat looked fun. But only with suspenders. Naturally.
I digress. Let's get a fundraiser that I can get behind, that doesn't involve extortion of money from my family and friends in exchange for lead-based crap from China and miniature rolls/sheets of wrapping paper.
Or-and this is a super novel idea here, so bear with me-
We could just fucking fund schools appropriately in the first place.
I so don't want the people caring for my demented ass in my elderly years to have to have attended schools that get "extra" stuff that is actually so essential funded based upon who could sell the most 3 oz tins of chocolate covered pretzels for $25. I don't want the future of this country to depend on who busts their ass the most to get that extra $500 for some new library books or playground equipment. And I don't want teachers to have to dip into their own pockets to give my children a rich educational experience because God knows they are underpaid and if they quit I have to then try to educate my children myself and we may as well just nuke the country because that is as horrible an idea as forcing said children to sell a bunch of shit to their family and friends, who will then demand the same from these children when they are adults, thus perpetuating an endless cycle of being indebted to the next generation to buy this shit instead of having the elderly generation just paying for their education in the first place in agreement that the youngin's will not push their wheelchairs out on the ice when they are unable to care for themselves.
If this country is truly the land of opportunity, ALL children would be able to have the same experiences and benefit from the talent and dedication of the educators charged with shaping the future. Things are not this way; however, so we fundraise. Can't we at least have a fundraiser that adults actually enjoy? Or, better yet:
Let me write a fucking check, without the exchange of plastic shit and junk food vacuum sealed in plastic. Consider it a down payment towards the people I am going to depend on, later in life, to make sure that my martini is shaken, not stirred.