Reviews XVIII

Review of the Truly Lightly Flavored Party Pack:

Orange Squeeze: Well, the lightly flavored part is accurate, but I am not complaining. This is a, well, lightly flavored orange beverage. It is pleasant, though I would argue that there is more than just a squeeze of orange in it. A splash perhaps? Though that implies that it is not fresh and I am sure that that was the marketing that they were going for with the Orange Squeeze name. Semantics aside, this is a pleasant beverage with end notes of...wait for it...orange. Pairs well with a thesaurus and the knowledge that you are friendless because you are arguing with yourself over the name of an alcoholic seltzer and no one wants that kind of weird in their life. But this pleasant beverage...you do want this. It's pleasant. I am trying to convince you that I don't own a thesaurus and that I am not that kind of weird. Just go with it, OK?

Pineapple: In keeping with the lightly flavored theme, this is a lightly flavored pineapple seltzer. More importantly, it does not have the flavor of the devil food, coconut, in it, which automatically makes it a win in my book. This is the kind of beverage that will help you through that awkward time of year known as Labor Day weekend, wherein you want to desperately hold on to the last vestiges of summer but also want to embrace fall and are wondering if it is too early to put out pumpkins and dive into the Halloween candy that you already started to buy because if you don't, it will all be gone by the end of September because the Christmas stuff will be out because the world just can't fucking wait for time-appropriate sales of holiday merchandise. But yes, drink this libation and simultaneously mourn summer and celebrate fall. Then make an appointment with your therapist because you probably need it. Bring them some Halloween candy. Then recommend this drink. 

Reviews XVII

Review of Truly Brunch Pack Peach Bellini:

Well my hatred of all things alcoholic peach is well known. And if you don’t know, well, now you know it ranks right up there with most Katy Perry songs, stepping into water whilst wearing socks, and the alt-right in general. However…this is actually good. I did not want to immediately vomit while drinking this. So either I’m maturing and my peach-related PTSD is subsiding (doubtful…) or this is actually good. It doesn’t have that fake peach taste so many other drinks do. Maybe it’s the Bellini part? Idk. I ain’t fancy enough to know off hand what a Bellini is, though I totes googled it real quick. Anyways, drink this. You won’t be sad.
Review of Truly Brunch Pack Cran Sangria: Well, NGL I was nervous as fuck about this given past nefarious deeds Truly has committed with sangria (I’m still confused about the cinnamon…). This, however, is a delectable libation full of light, flavor, and happiness. If I was gonna start day drinking with breakfast, I’d totally go with this. Pairs well with brunch type food, except for eggs cause they are still the devil food.


Review of Truly Brunch Pack Orange Mimosa: this is a fun beverage. Like, you legit cannot be an upsetti spaghetti and consume this. Unless you are some sort of psychopath which means you’ve got bigger fish to fry than if this drink tickles your naughty parts. Undertones of orange, shockingly enough, with a hint of desperately holding onto this beverage with the same grip you are desperately holding onto the hope that the election swings in your favor so you don’t have to relocate at worst. Pairs well with belting out "Don't Stop Believing" despite your family's obvious chagrin and possible bleeding from their ears.


Review of Truly Brunch Pack Rosè: Well this is embarrassing. For this drink, that is. It sucks to be the sole mid beverage in a variety pack but here we are. This beverage has middle child energy…decent enough, but not enough effort put into it to make it truly amazing on its own so it has to work hard to over-compensate for the lack of attention and ends up with crippling anxiety and a desire to attain the unattainable approval of an absent parent so you end up in years of therapy only to realize that you are good enough, smart enough, and doggone it, people like me. It doesn’t matter what you pair with this or what undertones or notes it has cause no one notices anyways.

Reviews XVI

Review of Sunny D Vodka Seltzer Variety Pack:

Tangy Orange: Tell me how this is different from the original that I have already reviewed?  I don't think that it is, but to test this I would have to buy both and that is way more alcohol than I want to have in my house solely for my consumption.  Even though you could theoretically buy the 4 pack of the original and the 8 can variety pack and have 12 total which is the same amount as a 12 pack (like that math I did there?  I've been helping Alexis with her Calculus so I felt like showing off...).  But somehow it feels different.  Plus more expensive and despite having adult money I'm still somehow broke as shit.  So let's just say that the original review stands.  Especially the part about financial freedom.

Orange Pineapple: This beverage tastes like I imagine the concept of a Nice Guy™ would taste if it were a flavor. It's pleasant enough. You will be willing to go out on multiple dates with this guy and you would have a nice enough time. It does not, however, make you excited enough to commit long-term because otherwise you will be destined for a life of mediocrity. You may as well have soup without any salt and flowers without any scent if you decide that this is your favorite drink. Just go on a few dates, enjoy the pleasantries, and move on with your life. And remember, you don't owe it anything just because it paid for dinner.

Orange Strawberry: I really feel like I either need to move on from flavored seltzers or these companies need to come up with different flavors because again, this is just a mediocre flavor.  It does not excite my  palate.  I am not moved to write ballads or sonnets or even a particularly long review for this flavor.  For those of you who are familiar with my Pure Romance days, this is the silver bullet of flavored seltzers.  It's nothing sexy, but will reliably get the job done.  

Recital II

 We have all seen the posts about how parents "don't pay for dance" (or insert whatever sport or activity your child is involved in).  Most parents recognize that their child is not going to go pro at whatever childhood "thing" they do.  We put the kids in these activities for a variety of reasons...sometimes it is to relive your childhood through the kid (in which case, I will see them in my office shortly due to their neuroses...).  Sometimes, it is because the kid really enjoys the activity.  Sometimes it is because, goddamnit, you will not be on your phone all day long and get the fuck up and DO SOMETHING.  But whatever the reason, these posts go on and on about how they are learning all kinds of lessons about teamwork and hard work and heartbreak and successes.

But what about the parents?

I have been a dance mom since 2009.  Fifteen years in a row.  If you count my time with Elizabeth when she was in dance, that total goes up to 18 years.  I've been around, so to speak.  I own a bedazzled and have purchased butt glue and nipple petals and hair mascara and enough bobby pins that I could have probably started a retirement fund from all the recycled metal. I can put eyelashes and a full face of makeup on a sleeping child. I have sat through countless competitions, put thousands of miles on various vehicles, and have an extremely large tote of costumes in the attic as well as an entire room full of trophies.  I have videos of dances from 3/4 of my children.  I have purchased dozens of bouquets, have years of dance programs, and know the local high school's backstage area like the palm of my hand.

There is so much more to it, though.  There were lessons that I learned as a parent.

I learned that I could genuinely care for a group of other people's children like my own.  That I could get super excited for wins and commiserate with their not-so-great performances.  I learned that their successes, not only on the dance floor but in other areas of their lives, could make me burst with pride just like it was my own kid.  That their sadness and grief when life was not so good to them would be mine too.

I learned that there are terribly rude people out there.  People who will try to sneak all kinds of shit over...sitting in seats not their own at a recital.  People who will walk in front of other people when there is a dance on stage.  People who will deliberately stack a dance number to put an advanced group in a younger age group or even a lower level to increase the odds of winning.  People who will go so far as to steal parts of other studio's costumes.  People who will leave a recital early because their kid has already performed.

But I also learned that there are some really great people out there.  People who raise their children to cheer for other studios when they win.  Strangers who will stop to help when you have a child who is injured.  Strangers who will help you when you have two garment bags, a rolling duffle bag, a purse, a portable refrigerator, a huge ass mug of coffee, and a full flight of steps to carry them up.

I learned that it is ok for other women to mold my daughters.  To call them out on their bullshit when needed.  To push them.  To take them to the next level, when even I, their mother, who thinks they are perfect and capable of anything, would not have insisted on it.  That some of these role models would influence every aspect of my children's lives.  That I would cry with these role models when it was all over because it is so bittersweet and that part of our job is over.

I learned that I can arrange multiple bouquets of flowers into various vases, too.

I learned that my husband is the ultimate "girl dad", as much as that makes my teeth hurt to say.  He was a steady fixture at the dance studio until Alexis learned to drive.  I'm pretty sure most of the teachers and staff liked him better than me.  Some of the girls really looked up to him as a father figure and would talk his ear off.  He even once got conned into doing a pushup contest at a comp because he can't tell these girls no (mind you, only a few months post-surgery from a bicep tear, to boot...).

I learned that I paid for dance as much for me as for them.  Because it does take a village.  And bitchez, that village has helped me to raise some phenomenal daughters (and a granddaughter, too, because Delilah is up on that stage as well).

So to my dance family: Thank you for all the memories.  Thank you for helping me to raise my girls.

Thanks.

Reviews XV

Mango Mai Tai Bud Light Seltzer: Ok, this one’s pretty good but that may be because I’m coming from a comp where the bars were closed and I’m still reeling from the hairspray and eyelash glue fumes. It tastes like mango and has no funky end notes. It also is not triggering any of my poor life decisions nor does it leave me questioning my decision making...so win? I’d recommend it, but then you’d have to drink the others cause they don’t sell it by itself I think. What is sadness? The above statement.

Reviews XIV

Review of Bud Light Seltzer Apple Slices Cranberry Apple: I am shooketh, bitchez. This tastes like carbonated cran-apple juice. Strong endnotes of shitty catered wedding food eaten whilst tossing back vodka crans and silently judging the person who is only there because they are likely to put out after tossing back said vodka crans. If you don’t know who that person is, well, mirrors are a thing. Pairs well with walk of shame and penicillin.

Review of Bud Light Seltzer Watermelon Mojito flavor: Tastes like a watermelon Jolly Rancher, but like an off brand called the Happy Farmer you buy at a sketchy gas station in the middle of no where from a fat hillbilly in a leather vest named Bill with a bottle of lotion and a hose sitting nearby. End notes consist of mint and bad life choices.

Reviews XIII

 Review of Simply Spiked Limeade

Signature Limeade: Yes, it's lime all right. It's not bad at all, to be honest. I'd rank it similar to Texas Roadhouse on a good night, when the steak is cooked just right and the waitress never lets your roll basket get empty. It's not Fancy like Applebees on a date night, nor as trashy as Here's your one chance Fancy don't let me down, but it's a solid beverage with the potential to be added to the list of things that basic bitches like. Though TBH, pumpkin-spiced coffee is not all that people make it out to be. But Uggs (or a reasonable facsimile, because therapists don't actually make as much money as one would think so we look for the dupes...) are super comfy. So I would rank this between Uggs and the pumpkin spice. But it's lime. So I guess add that to the basic bitch flavor list? IDK. You do you, boo.

Cherry Limeade: Picture this: Matthew McConaughey takes a sip of this beverage. He goes, "all right all right all right". Then he takes off his shirt and does the dance from Magic Mike. That is the equivalent of this beverage in visual media form. It's good. Not too sweet, not too tart. Would pair well with popcorn and Magic Mike. But 100% not for the plotline because that was terrible. But this beverage is not.

Passionfruit Limeade: I don't know that I have actually ever had a passionfruit. It's kind of elusive, like blue raspberry or a good Katy Perry song. It exists out there somewhere, you aren't exactly sure where though. Therefore, I cannot comment on how true this drink is to the flavor of a passionfruit. I will, however, comment on how it is a delectable libation worthy of five stars. This has end notes of wondering exactly what a passion fruit tastes like, then not caring because if it isn't this, you don't want to know.

Blackberry Limeade: Now blackberries are my absolute favorite fruit. Anything that fucks them up is akin to a violation of the Geneva Convention in my book. Luckily for the Simply Limeade brand, this is not something that fucks them up. Good news for the Simply Limeade people because my love for blackberries may have caused me to catch a case if they had screwed this up. But alas, this concoction is a lovely blend of flavors that titillates the taste buds. This is best enjoyed alone so you can savor the flavors. Or because I am four beverages in and I can't think of any kind of appropriate pairing. But I like this drink enough to say the former, so there's that.

Reviews XII

 Review of Truly Getaway Pack:

Arctic Berry: Someone really needs to get with the marketing team at Truly, because when I think of the arctic, berries are not what comes to mind.  Weather cold enough to freeze off my nipples, sure.  Berries?  Not so much.  That being said, this is a delicious beverage.  Light. Crisp.  Berry.  Really, arctic, though?  Not enough here to freeze off nipples, so no.

Tropic Like It's Hot:  I'm suspicious.  They advertise that it is pineapple and "natural flavors", but I get a mild hint of that devil food coconut.  So I'm suspicious.  But once I got over my suspicion, I became paranoid that I was having gustatory hallucinations and that there was not any coconut and I promptly started to spiral.  SEE?  COCONUT IS THE DEVIL!!!  But despite the mild psychosis and mental breakdown, this is actually a pretty good drink.  End notes of pineapple, so there's that.  Pairs well with dreams of the tropics and a strong desire to sing karaoke "Caribbean Amphibian" while downing Jerk chicken and fried plantains.

Mountain Pear-adise: Well, aren't you a delightful little beverage here?  Lovely pear flavor.  Refreshing.  Like a cool mountain stream.  The marketing team at Truly finally got its shit together here.  This is a fancy drink, but fake fancy because it's a seltzer in a 12 pack of Truly's, not fucking Dom Perignon. Pairs well with a light charcuterie board.  Cause you fancy.  And if you're not...drink it with whatever the fuck you want to, it's just a delicious libation.  End notes of fake Gucci purses and moissanite engagement rings and IDGAF.

Desert Orange: Aaaannnnddd...we are back to wtf does oranges have to do with the desert?  They were so close to getting a 50% here, which I suppose is still failing so at this point, it doesn't matter.  This beverage is carbonated Tang, but in a good way.  Strong undercurrents of grade school and 80's drinks like Ectocooler and Mello Yellow and Squeez-its.  May cause a strong craving for TCBY, Orange Julius, and Jello Pudding Pops. Oh, and those little ice cream cups with the wooden spoons.  You must have the wooden spoons because otherwise it's just not the same.  But really, oranges and the desert?  Come on, now...

Review XI

Review of Corona Seltzerita Classic Lime: This is the Wish version of a margarita. You’re hoping for a lovely tangy salty lime deliciousness, but it’s a copy of a copy, not a reasonably close facsimile. It’s not bad, but not bad in the same way that a Hostess cupcake isn’t a bad version of cake, but definitely not the real thing.  Definitely lacks tequila. Pairs well with Taco Bell and Hostess Cupcakes, but only the orange ones. Best consumed during the early poverty stages of adulthood, whilst sitting on a futon and watching a VHS movie on a CRT TV.                                            

Reviews X

Review of Truly Hard Seltzer Celebration Pack:

Peach Fizz: You know how people can have that alcohol that they regret ever having consumed for a variety If reasons? Yeah, peach schnapps was that for me. The reason? I drank like half a bottle Alicia’s freshman year of college the first time I got drunk. I’m telling you this because, for obvious reasons, I generally don’t like peach flavored alcoholic beverages. However, Truly managed to make this a lovely beverage that does not trigger my peach beverage-related PTSD. Way to go, Truly. Though not gonna lie, peach is not a fruit I associate with the holidays. Unless you include Flag Day and Fourth of July. Then sure. Holiday beverage. However, because this does not instantly make me want to turn on Santeria and put on cargo pants and get lit for the first time, I’ll give it a 4.9/5 stars. The .1 deduction came from it simply being peach. Sue me. It is what it is.



Citrus Sparkler: Again, not quite sure how an orange seltzer screams Christmas, but hey…at least it isn’t the cinnamon flavor of Christmas seltzers past. This beverage would probably pair well with either Christmas cookies (but not chocolate chip cookies because they are not Christmas cookies and I will die on that hill) or a hotdog with potato salad.

Rose Style: Explain to me, in little words like I am two, how a beverage can simultaneously be tasteless and have notes of Busch Light Peach? How? I am underwhelmed by this beverage. So much so, that I literally cannot give any further description. It's not not good but it is also not good. But how? I feel like I'm somehow being Rick Rolled with alcoholic beverages.

Cranberry Cheers: This tastes like carbonated cranberries. Which, given the name, I imagine is exactly what they were going for here. It's reminiscent of the can of cranberry sauce that my family just opens and puts on the plate in a big gelatinous cranberry blob. If this was not a liquid it would be exactly that but less sweet. It is not pretentious and does not pretend to be anything more than carbonated, slightly less sweet, Ocean Spray cranberry sauce in beverage form. This is the closest thing to a holiday-like beverage there is in this pack. End notes of holiday stress eating and avoiding your racist, homophobic aunt's questions as to why you have not begun to procreate yet.