Reviews XVI

Review of Sunny D Vodka Seltzer Variety Pack:

Tangy Orange: Tell me how this is different from the original that I have already reviewed?  I don't think that it is, but to test this I would have to buy both and that is way more alcohol than I want to have in my house solely for my consumption.  Even though you could theoretically buy the 4 pack of the original and the 8 can variety pack and have 12 total which is the same amount as a 12 pack (like that math I did there?  I've been helping Alexis with her Calculus so I felt like showing off...).  But somehow it feels different.  Plus more expensive and despite having adult money I'm still somehow broke as shit.  So let's just say that the original review stands.  Especially the part about financial freedom.

Orange Pineapple: This beverage tastes like I imagine the concept of a Nice Guy™ would taste if it were a flavor. It's pleasant enough. You will be willing to go out on multiple dates with this guy and you would have a nice enough time. It does not, however, make you excited enough to commit long-term because otherwise you will be destined for a life of mediocrity. You may as well have soup without any salt and flowers without any scent if you decide that this is your favorite drink. Just go on a few dates, enjoy the pleasantries, and move on with your life. And remember, you don't owe it anything just because it paid for dinner.

Orange Strawberry: I really feel like I either need to move on from flavored seltzers or these companies need to come up with different flavors because again, this is just a mediocre flavor.  It does not excite my  palate.  I am not moved to write ballads or sonnets or even a particularly long review for this flavor.  For those of you who are familiar with my Pure Romance days, this is the silver bullet of flavored seltzers.  It's nothing sexy, but will reliably get the job done.  

Recital II

 We have all seen the posts about how parents "don't pay for dance" (or insert whatever sport or activity your child is involved in).  Most parents recognize that their child is not going to go pro at whatever childhood "thing" they do.  We put the kids in these activities for a variety of reasons...sometimes it is to relive your childhood through the kid (in which case, I will see them in my office shortly due to their neuroses...).  Sometimes, it is because the kid really enjoys the activity.  Sometimes it is because, goddamnit, you will not be on your phone all day long and get the fuck up and DO SOMETHING.  But whatever the reason, these posts go on and on about how they are learning all kinds of lessons about teamwork and hard work and heartbreak and successes.

But what about the parents?

I have been a dance mom since 2009.  Fifteen years in a row.  If you count my time with Elizabeth when she was in dance, that total goes up to 18 years.  I've been around, so to speak.  I own a bedazzled and have purchased butt glue and nipple petals and hair mascara and enough bobby pins that I could have probably started a retirement fund from all the recycled metal. I can put eyelashes and a full face of makeup on a sleeping child. I have sat through countless competitions, put thousands of miles on various vehicles, and have an extremely large tote of costumes in the attic as well as an entire room full of trophies.  I have videos of dances from 3/4 of my children.  I have purchased dozens of bouquets, have years of dance programs, and know the local high school's backstage area like the palm of my hand.

There is so much more to it, though.  There were lessons that I learned as a parent.

I learned that I could genuinely care for a group of other people's children like my own.  That I could get super excited for wins and commiserate with their not-so-great performances.  I learned that their successes, not only on the dance floor but in other areas of their lives, could make me burst with pride just like it was my own kid.  That their sadness and grief when life was not so good to them would be mine too.

I learned that there are terribly rude people out there.  People who will try to sneak all kinds of shit over...sitting in seats not their own at a recital.  People who will walk in front of other people when there is a dance on stage.  People who will deliberately stack a dance number to put an advanced group in a younger age group or even a lower level to increase the odds of winning.  People who will go so far as to steal parts of other studio's costumes.  People who will leave a recital early because their kid has already performed.

But I also learned that there are some really great people out there.  People who raise their children to cheer for other studios when they win.  Strangers who will stop to help when you have a child who is injured.  Strangers who will help you when you have two garment bags, a rolling duffle bag, a purse, a portable refrigerator, a huge ass mug of coffee, and a full flight of steps to carry them up.

I learned that it is ok for other women to mold my daughters.  To call them out on their bullshit when needed.  To push them.  To take them to the next level, when even I, their mother, who thinks they are perfect and capable of anything, would not have insisted on it.  That some of these role models would influence every aspect of my children's lives.  That I would cry with these role models when it was all over because it is so bittersweet and that part of our job is over.

I learned that I can arrange multiple bouquets of flowers into various vases, too.

I learned that my husband is the ultimate "girl dad", as much as that makes my teeth hurt to say.  He was a steady fixture at the dance studio until Alexis learned to drive.  I'm pretty sure most of the teachers and staff liked him better than me.  Some of the girls really looked up to him as a father figure and would talk his ear off.  He even once got conned into doing a pushup contest at a comp because he can't tell these girls no (mind you, only a few months post-surgery from a bicep tear, to boot...).

I learned that I paid for dance as much for me as for them.  Because it does take a village.  And bitchez, that village has helped me to raise some phenomenal daughters (and a granddaughter, too, because Delilah is up on that stage as well).

So to my dance family: Thank you for all the memories.  Thank you for helping me to raise my girls.

Thanks.

Reviews XV

Mango Mai Tai Bud Light Seltzer: Ok, this one’s pretty good but that may be because I’m coming from a comp where the bars were closed and I’m still reeling from the hairspray and eyelash glue fumes. It tastes like mango and has no funky end notes. It also is not triggering any of my poor life decisions nor does it leave me questioning my decision making...so win? I’d recommend it, but then you’d have to drink the others cause they don’t sell it by itself I think. What is sadness? The above statement.

Reviews XIV

Review of Bud Light Seltzer Apple Slices Cranberry Apple: I am shooketh, bitchez. This tastes like carbonated cran-apple juice. Strong endnotes of shitty catered wedding food eaten whilst tossing back vodka crans and silently judging the person who is only there because they are likely to put out after tossing back said vodka crans. If you don’t know who that person is, well, mirrors are a thing. Pairs well with walk of shame and penicillin.

Review of Bud Light Seltzer Watermelon Mojito flavor: Tastes like a watermelon Jolly Rancher, but like an off brand called the Happy Farmer you buy at a sketchy gas station in the middle of no where from a fat hillbilly in a leather vest named Bill with a bottle of lotion and a hose sitting nearby. End notes consist of mint and bad life choices.

Reviews XIII

 Review of Simply Spiked Limeade

Signature Limeade: Yes, it's lime all right. It's not bad at all, to be honest. I'd rank it similar to Texas Roadhouse on a good night, when the steak is cooked just right and the waitress never lets your roll basket get empty. It's not Fancy like Applebees on a date night, nor as trashy as Here's your one chance Fancy don't let me down, but it's a solid beverage with the potential to be added to the list of things that basic bitches like. Though TBH, pumpkin-spiced coffee is not all that people make it out to be. But Uggs (or a reasonable facsimile, because therapists don't actually make as much money as one would think so we look for the dupes...) are super comfy. So I would rank this between Uggs and the pumpkin spice. But it's lime. So I guess add that to the basic bitch flavor list? IDK. You do you, boo.

Cherry Limeade: Picture this: Matthew McConaughey takes a sip of this beverage. He goes, "all right all right all right". Then he takes off his shirt and does the dance from Magic Mike. That is the equivalent of this beverage in visual media form. It's good. Not too sweet, not too tart. Would pair well with popcorn and Magic Mike. But 100% not for the plotline because that was terrible. But this beverage is not.

Passionfruit Limeade: I don't know that I have actually ever had a passionfruit. It's kind of elusive, like blue raspberry or a good Katy Perry song. It exists out there somewhere, you aren't exactly sure where though. Therefore, I cannot comment on how true this drink is to the flavor of a passionfruit. I will, however, comment on how it is a delectable libation worthy of five stars. This has end notes of wondering exactly what a passion fruit tastes like, then not caring because if it isn't this, you don't want to know.

Blackberry Limeade: Now blackberries are my absolute favorite fruit. Anything that fucks them up is akin to a violation of the Geneva Convention in my book. Luckily for the Simply Limeade brand, this is not something that fucks them up. Good news for the Simply Limeade people because my love for blackberries may have caused me to catch a case if they had screwed this up. But alas, this concoction is a lovely blend of flavors that titillates the taste buds. This is best enjoyed alone so you can savor the flavors. Or because I am four beverages in and I can't think of any kind of appropriate pairing. But I like this drink enough to say the former, so there's that.

Reviews XII

 Review of Truly Getaway Pack:

Arctic Berry: Someone really needs to get with the marketing team at Truly, because when I think of the arctic, berries are not what comes to mind.  Weather cold enough to freeze off my nipples, sure.  Berries?  Not so much.  That being said, this is a delicious beverage.  Light. Crisp.  Berry.  Really, arctic, though?  Not enough here to freeze off nipples, so no.

Tropic Like It's Hot:  I'm suspicious.  They advertise that it is pineapple and "natural flavors", but I get a mild hint of that devil food coconut.  So I'm suspicious.  But once I got over my suspicion, I became paranoid that I was having gustatory hallucinations and that there was not any coconut and I promptly started to spiral.  SEE?  COCONUT IS THE DEVIL!!!  But despite the mild psychosis and mental breakdown, this is actually a pretty good drink.  End notes of pineapple, so there's that.  Pairs well with dreams of the tropics and a strong desire to sing karaoke "Caribbean Amphibian" while downing Jerk chicken and fried plantains.

Mountain Pear-adise: Well, aren't you a delightful little beverage here?  Lovely pear flavor.  Refreshing.  Like a cool mountain stream.  The marketing team at Truly finally got its shit together here.  This is a fancy drink, but fake fancy because it's a seltzer in a 12 pack of Truly's, not fucking Dom Perignon. Pairs well with a light charcuterie board.  Cause you fancy.  And if you're not...drink it with whatever the fuck you want to, it's just a delicious libation.  End notes of fake Gucci purses and moissanite engagement rings and IDGAF.

Desert Orange: Aaaannnnddd...we are back to wtf does oranges have to do with the desert?  They were so close to getting a 50% here, which I suppose is still failing so at this point, it doesn't matter.  This beverage is carbonated Tang, but in a good way.  Strong undercurrents of grade school and 80's drinks like Ectocooler and Mello Yellow and Squeez-its.  May cause a strong craving for TCBY, Orange Julius, and Jello Pudding Pops. Oh, and those little ice cream cups with the wooden spoons.  You must have the wooden spoons because otherwise it's just not the same.  But really, oranges and the desert?  Come on, now...

Review XI

Review of Corona Seltzerita Classic Lime: This is the Wish version of a margarita. You’re hoping for a lovely tangy salty lime deliciousness, but it’s a copy of a copy, not a reasonably close facsimile. It’s not bad, but not bad in the same way that a Hostess cupcake isn’t a bad version of cake, but definitely not the real thing.  Definitely lacks tequila. Pairs well with Taco Bell and Hostess Cupcakes, but only the orange ones. Best consumed during the early poverty stages of adulthood, whilst sitting on a futon and watching a VHS movie on a CRT TV.                                            

Reviews X

Review of Truly Hard Seltzer Celebration Pack:

Peach Fizz: You know how people can have that alcohol that they regret ever having consumed for a variety If reasons? Yeah, peach schnapps was that for me. The reason? I drank like half a bottle Alicia’s freshman year of college the first time I got drunk. I’m telling you this because, for obvious reasons, I generally don’t like peach flavored alcoholic beverages. However, Truly managed to make this a lovely beverage that does not trigger my peach beverage-related PTSD. Way to go, Truly. Though not gonna lie, peach is not a fruit I associate with the holidays. Unless you include Flag Day and Fourth of July. Then sure. Holiday beverage. However, because this does not instantly make me want to turn on Santeria and put on cargo pants and get lit for the first time, I’ll give it a 4.9/5 stars. The .1 deduction came from it simply being peach. Sue me. It is what it is.



Citrus Sparkler: Again, not quite sure how an orange seltzer screams Christmas, but hey…at least it isn’t the cinnamon flavor of Christmas seltzers past. This beverage would probably pair well with either Christmas cookies (but not chocolate chip cookies because they are not Christmas cookies and I will die on that hill) or a hotdog with potato salad.

Rose Style: Explain to me, in little words like I am two, how a beverage can simultaneously be tasteless and have notes of Busch Light Peach? How? I am underwhelmed by this beverage. So much so, that I literally cannot give any further description. It's not not good but it is also not good. But how? I feel like I'm somehow being Rick Rolled with alcoholic beverages.

Cranberry Cheers: This tastes like carbonated cranberries. Which, given the name, I imagine is exactly what they were going for here. It's reminiscent of the can of cranberry sauce that my family just opens and puts on the plate in a big gelatinous cranberry blob. If this was not a liquid it would be exactly that but less sweet. It is not pretentious and does not pretend to be anything more than carbonated, slightly less sweet, Ocean Spray cranberry sauce in beverage form. This is the closest thing to a holiday-like beverage there is in this pack. End notes of holiday stress eating and avoiding your racist, homophobic aunt's questions as to why you have not begun to procreate yet.

Reviews IX

Getting caught up here...if I have repeated, I'm sorry. Actually, no I'm not. I'm doing these reviews for free. Suck it.

Review of Mufflehead’s Tropical Rain Seltzer: A crisp beverage with the flavor of tropical. Yes, tropical is a flavor. No, it is not necessarily a good one. Best consumed whilst singing along to red neck songs and petting the puppy dogs at the brewery.

Review of Risata Red Moscato Sweet Red Wine. A strangely fuzzy wine that has an indistinct fruit flavor that simultaneously can’t be identified whilst making you swear that you’ve had this fruit before. Subtle end notes of strawberry yogurt. Pairs well with Ramen noodles, Cheetos, and poverty.

Review of Simply Spiked Blueberry Lemonade: This is a sweet beverage with a broad spectrum of flavor as long as that flavor is blueberry lemonade. Violet Beauregarde would not turn her nose up at this beverage, even if it doesn’t come in gum form though I’m sure Willy Wonka could make that happen. Pairs well with Blackberry Sausages and Spewed Dumplings. Best consumed whilst wearing a My Little Pony nightshirt or Land Before Time jammies.
I decided to give the Bud Light Seltzer’s another try...mostly cause they have the Out of Office flavors out now so figured why not. So as I try each of the four flavors, I’ll be giving my honest review.
Classic Lime Margarita: Lime jello got carbonated then banged tequila. Resulting baby looks enough like lime jello to make the royal family relieved, but still has a vague hint of Mexican liquor and, strangely, margarita salt, somehow without actually tasting salty. Pairs well with Taco Bell and Cheetos.



Review of Truly Holiday Pack Sangria Style: Well, here is the seasonal piece. Again, “Sangria Style” is akin to calling Kanye a “stable adult”. Only one of those are true, and really, it’s a technicality. This tastes of berries and spices and if you like that sorta thing, this is for you. I, however, prefer my drinks more heavily on the berry side and I prefer my spices in baked goods even if my body hates me after eating them. I only drank like 3 sips of this and the rest is on my counter, still in the can for those who don’t get context. (Fam, if no one drinks the remaining two, they’re coming to Thanksgiving.) Pairs well with Hallmark Christmas movies and roast beast, who-hash, and who-pudding.


Review of Bud Light Apple Seltzer Strawberry flavor: Well this is a beverage full of whimsy and delight and fairy dust. In fact, I’m pretty sure this is the beverage middle aged Tinkerbell consumes during a mom’s night out wherein she drunk flies into the door of her house and then begs her husband to take her out to Taco Bell. Consuming this beverage might make you an aficionado of pink glitter and inappropriately clad fairies from children’s movies. Nah I’m just fucking with you on that last part. But seriously, whimsy and delight.


Review of Simply Spiked Strawberry Lemonade: I was fully prepared to dislike this as I do most strawberry flavored beverages are they are usually strangely thick, overly sweet, and just plain not good. This delightful beverage, however, was a lovely blend of strawberry flavor and, well, carbonated lemonade. Usually I am very disconcerted after drinking an alcoholic strawberry beverage as they contain intoxicants but also taste like cheap candy marketed to children with anthropomorphic cartoon characters and brightly colored packaging (a very strange feeling, similar to when you learn another meaning for “tricks” and the motto for Trix cereal becomes concerning at best and vaguely pedophilic at worst). Pairs well with a light charcuterie board so you can pretend you fancy and ignore the crippling student loan debt you have for a minute.


Review of Truly Holiday Pack Pear Martini Style: Well, they nailed the pear bit. Tastes like no martini I’ve ever had, but I imagine that is why it’s “martini style”. Perhaps akin to Kraft American cheese not really being cheese but a “pasteurized processed American cheese food”. At any rate, it’s some sort of a copy of a copy that was then faxed but somehow is still readable. I’ll spare you the “not really seasonal” rant but know the revolution is still on, emus and all. That being said, this is also a tasty beverage. End notes of, well, pear. Pairs well (no pun intended; in fact it was unavoidable because it’s Friday night, I’m too fried to think of a synonym because I’ve been dealing with Anthem all week) with a light dinner you didn’t have to cook and despair over the lie that children are sold over how great being an adult is.


Review of Mike’s Hard Lemonade Seasonal Blackberry Pear: I was expecting a syrupy sweet child’s candy flavored beverage that would combine chemical dependency and diabetes in liquid form. I was dead wrong. This is a refreshing, not too sweet, delightful adult beverage. I’m almost sad that I have nothing bad to say as this is a solidly above average drink. Sorry to disappoint.


Review of Sunny D Vodka Seltzer: Orange pop. Alcoholic, slightly less sweet, orange pop. May lead to confusion as it tastes like the last time I had financial freedom, but I had to show my ID to purchase. Consumption leads to a strong desire for a late 80’s, early 90’s breakfast…chocolate pop tart or toaster streudel with this delicious beverage. Eating those with this beverage may lead to a strong desire to watch your VHS of Beauty and the Beast on repeat, and/or Muppet Babies, The Smurfs, and The Gummi Bears. I would normally condemn this type of beverage as being marketed for children, but let’s be honest…the marketing genius who came up with this knew exactly what audience this was for, and it ain’t children. If you have ibuprofen in multiple places and know the connection between a fried egg and drugs, this is for you. End notes of drying glue on your hands to peel off and slap bracelets. And admit it, now you are singing “Gummi bears, bouncing here and there and everywhere…” You’re welcome.

Reviews VIII

Review of Mike’s Hard Lemonade Seasonal Pick Wild Berry: Well, I’m not mad. I’m disappointed. This beverage had so much potential. Lemonade. Berries. How can you fuck that up? Well, by making this beverage, that’s how.  This beverage is the equivalent of going to Fazoli’s hoping for a decent lasagna and being served the Encore microwave dinner version of lasagna. It tastes well enough that you can choke it down along with your tears of failure and a deep sense of shame that you will never ever get your parents’ approval, but leaves you with a sense of abject disappointment in yourself similar to when you find out your new lover has a getting wedgies kink and you go along with it but end up deeply unsatisfied.