Review of Simply Spiked Limeade
Sheep Among the Wolves
Making crazy look effortless.
Saturday, February 17, 2024
Reviews XII
Sunday, January 7, 2024
Reviews XII
Review of Truly Getaway Pack:
Arctic Berry: Someone really needs to get with the marketing team at Truly, because when I think of the arctic, berries are not what comes to mind. Weather cold enough to freeze off my nipples, sure. Berries? Not so much. That being said, this is a delicious beverage. Light. Crisp. Berry. Really, arctic, though? Not enough here to freeze off nipples, so no.
Tropic Like It's Hot: I'm suspicious. They advertise that it is pineapple and "natural flavors", but I get a mild hint of that devil food coconut. So I'm suspicious. But once I got over my suspicion, I became paranoid that I was having gustatory hallucinations and that there was not any coconut and I promptly started to spiral. SEE? COCONUT IS THE DEVIL!!! But despite the mild psychosis and mental breakdown, this is actually a pretty good drink. End notes of pineapple, so there's that. Pairs well with dreams of the tropics and a strong desire to sing karaoke "Caribbean Amphibian" while downing Jerk chicken and fried plantains.
Mountain Pear-adise: Well, aren't you a delightful little beverage here? Lovely pear flavor. Refreshing. Like a cool mountain stream. The marketing team at Truly finally got its shit together here. This is a fancy drink, but fake fancy because it's a seltzer in a 12 pack of Truly's, not fucking Dom Perignon. Pairs well with a light charcuterie board. Cause you fancy. And if you're not...drink it with whatever the fuck you want to, it's just a delicious libation. End notes of fake Gucci purses and moissanite engagement rings and IDGAF.
Desert Orange: Aaaannnnddd...we are back to wtf does oranges have to do with the desert? They were so close to getting a 50% here, which I suppose is still failing so at this point, it doesn't matter. This beverage is carbonated Tang, but in a good way. Strong undercurrents of grade school and 80's drinks like Ectocooler and Mello Yellow and Squeez-its. May cause a strong craving for TCBY, Orange Julius, and Jello Pudding Pops. Oh, and those little ice cream cups with the wooden spoons. You must have the wooden spoons because otherwise it's just not the same. But really, oranges and the desert? Come on, now...
Saturday, December 9, 2023
Review XI
Review of Corona Seltzerita Classic Lime: This is the Wish version of a margarita. You’re hoping for a lovely tangy salty lime deliciousness, but it’s a copy of a copy, not a reasonably close facsimile. It’s not bad, but not bad in the same way that a Hostess cupcake isn’t a bad version of cake, but definitely not the real thing. Definitely lacks tequila. Pairs well with Taco Bell and Hostess Cupcakes, but only the orange ones. Best consumed during the early poverty stages of adulthood, whilst sitting on a futon and watching a VHS movie on a CRT TV.
Reviews X
Peach Fizz: You know how people can have that alcohol that they regret ever having consumed for a variety If reasons? Yeah, peach schnapps was that for me. The reason? I drank like half a bottle Alicia’s freshman year of college the first time I got drunk. I’m telling you this because, for obvious reasons, I generally don’t like peach flavored alcoholic beverages. However, Truly managed to make this a lovely beverage that does not trigger my peach beverage-related PTSD. Way to go, Truly. Though not gonna lie, peach is not a fruit I associate with the holidays. Unless you include Flag Day and Fourth of July. Then sure. Holiday beverage. However, because this does not instantly make me want to turn on Santeria and put on cargo pants and get lit for the first time, I’ll give it a 4.9/5 stars. The .1 deduction came from it simply being peach. Sue me. It is what it is.
Citrus Sparkler: Again, not quite sure how an orange seltzer screams Christmas, but hey…at least it isn’t the cinnamon flavor of Christmas seltzers past. This beverage would probably pair well with either Christmas cookies (but not chocolate chip cookies because they are not Christmas cookies and I will die on that hill) or a hotdog with potato salad.
Rose Style: Explain to me, in little words like I am two, how a beverage can simultaneously be tasteless and have notes of Busch Light Peach? How? I am underwhelmed by this beverage. So much so, that I literally cannot give any further description. It's not not good but it is also not good. But how? I feel like I'm somehow being Rick Rolled with alcoholic beverages.
Cranberry Cheers: This tastes like carbonated cranberries. Which, given the name, I imagine is exactly what they were going for here. It's reminiscent of the can of cranberry sauce that my family just opens and puts on the plate in a big gelatinous cranberry blob. If this was not a liquid it would be exactly that but less sweet. It is not pretentious and does not pretend to be anything more than carbonated, slightly less sweet, Ocean Spray cranberry sauce in beverage form. This is the closest thing to a holiday-like beverage there is in this pack. End notes of holiday stress eating and avoiding your racist, homophobic aunt's questions as to why you have not begun to procreate yet.
Friday, December 8, 2023
Reviews IX
Getting caught up here...if I have repeated, I'm sorry. Actually, no I'm not. I'm doing these reviews for free. Suck it.
Review of Mufflehead’s Tropical Rain Seltzer: A crisp beverage with the flavor of tropical. Yes, tropical is a flavor. No, it is not necessarily a good one. Best consumed whilst singing along to red neck songs and petting the puppy dogs at the brewery.
Review of Risata Red Moscato Sweet Red Wine. A strangely fuzzy wine that has an indistinct fruit flavor that simultaneously can’t be identified whilst making you swear that you’ve had this fruit before. Subtle end notes of strawberry yogurt. Pairs well with Ramen noodles, Cheetos, and poverty.
Review of Simply Spiked Blueberry Lemonade: This is a sweet beverage with a broad spectrum of flavor as long as that flavor is blueberry lemonade. Violet Beauregarde would not turn her nose up at this beverage, even if it doesn’t come in gum form though I’m sure Willy Wonka could make that happen. Pairs well with Blackberry Sausages and Spewed Dumplings. Best consumed whilst wearing a My Little Pony nightshirt or Land Before Time jammies.
I decided to give the Bud Light Seltzer’s another try...mostly cause they have the Out of Office flavors out now so figured why not. So as I try each of the four flavors, I’ll be giving my honest review.
Classic Lime Margarita: Lime jello got carbonated then banged tequila. Resulting baby looks enough like lime jello to make the royal family relieved, but still has a vague hint of Mexican liquor and, strangely, margarita salt, somehow without actually tasting salty. Pairs well with Taco Bell and Cheetos.
Review of Truly Holiday Pack Sangria Style: Well, here is the seasonal piece. Again, “Sangria Style” is akin to calling Kanye a “stable adult”. Only one of those are true, and really, it’s a technicality. This tastes of berries and spices and if you like that sorta thing, this is for you. I, however, prefer my drinks more heavily on the berry side and I prefer my spices in baked goods even if my body hates me after eating them. I only drank like 3 sips of this and the rest is on my counter, still in the can for those who don’t get context. (Fam, if no one drinks the remaining two, they’re coming to Thanksgiving.) Pairs well with Hallmark Christmas movies and roast beast, who-hash, and who-pudding.
Review of Bud Light Apple Seltzer Strawberry flavor: Well this is a beverage full of whimsy and delight and fairy dust. In fact, I’m pretty sure this is the beverage middle aged Tinkerbell consumes during a mom’s night out wherein she drunk flies into the door of her house and then begs her husband to take her out to Taco Bell. Consuming this beverage might make you an aficionado of pink glitter and inappropriately clad fairies from children’s movies. Nah I’m just fucking with you on that last part. But seriously, whimsy and delight.
Review of Simply Spiked Strawberry Lemonade: I was fully prepared to dislike this as I do most strawberry flavored beverages are they are usually strangely thick, overly sweet, and just plain not good. This delightful beverage, however, was a lovely blend of strawberry flavor and, well, carbonated lemonade. Usually I am very disconcerted after drinking an alcoholic strawberry beverage as they contain intoxicants but also taste like cheap candy marketed to children with anthropomorphic cartoon characters and brightly colored packaging (a very strange feeling, similar to when you learn another meaning for “tricks” and the motto for Trix cereal becomes concerning at best and vaguely pedophilic at worst). Pairs well with a light charcuterie board so you can pretend you fancy and ignore the crippling student loan debt you have for a minute.
Review of Truly Holiday Pack Pear Martini Style: Well, they nailed the pear bit. Tastes like no martini I’ve ever had, but I imagine that is why it’s “martini style”. Perhaps akin to Kraft American cheese not really being cheese but a “pasteurized processed American cheese food”. At any rate, it’s some sort of a copy of a copy that was then faxed but somehow is still readable. I’ll spare you the “not really seasonal” rant but know the revolution is still on, emus and all. That being said, this is also a tasty beverage. End notes of, well, pear. Pairs well (no pun intended; in fact it was unavoidable because it’s Friday night, I’m too fried to think of a synonym because I’ve been dealing with Anthem all week) with a light dinner you didn’t have to cook and despair over the lie that children are sold over how great being an adult is.
Review of Mike’s Hard Lemonade Seasonal Blackberry Pear: I was expecting a syrupy sweet child’s candy flavored beverage that would combine chemical dependency and diabetes in liquid form. I was dead wrong. This is a refreshing, not too sweet, delightful adult beverage. I’m almost sad that I have nothing bad to say as this is a solidly above average drink. Sorry to disappoint.
Review of Sunny D Vodka Seltzer: Orange pop. Alcoholic, slightly less sweet, orange pop. May lead to confusion as it tastes like the last time I had financial freedom, but I had to show my ID to purchase. Consumption leads to a strong desire for a late 80’s, early 90’s breakfast…chocolate pop tart or toaster streudel with this delicious beverage. Eating those with this beverage may lead to a strong desire to watch your VHS of Beauty and the Beast on repeat, and/or Muppet Babies, The Smurfs, and The Gummi Bears. I would normally condemn this type of beverage as being marketed for children, but let’s be honest…the marketing genius who came up with this knew exactly what audience this was for, and it ain’t children. If you have ibuprofen in multiple places and know the connection between a fried egg and drugs, this is for you. End notes of drying glue on your hands to peel off and slap bracelets. And admit it, now you are singing “Gummi bears, bouncing here and there and everywhere…” You’re welcome.
Saturday, October 14, 2023
Reviews VIII
Review of Mike’s Hard Lemonade Seasonal Pick Wild Berry: Well, I’m not mad. I’m disappointed. This beverage had so much potential. Lemonade. Berries. How can you fuck that up? Well, by making this beverage, that’s how. This beverage is the equivalent of going to Fazoli’s hoping for a decent lasagna and being served the Encore microwave dinner version of lasagna. It tastes well enough that you can choke it down along with your tears of failure and a deep sense of shame that you will never ever get your parents’ approval, but leaves you with a sense of abject disappointment in yourself similar to when you find out your new lover has a getting wedgies kink and you go along with it but end up deeply unsatisfied.
Friday, June 30, 2023
Reviews VII
Review of Corona Hard Seltzer Spicy Pineapple: Well, the name is half right. Tastes like carbonated pineapple juice. Very much has notes of being so close but not achieving. As disappointing as you are to your uber religious grandparents. But overall a solid alcoholic summer alcoholic beverage.
Review of Corona Hard Seltzer Citrus Lime: Well, this one’s name is not a lie at least. A light citrus beverage reminiscent of childhood beverages with citrus flavoring of some sort. Pairs well with BBQ foods and s’mores.
Review of Corona Hard Seltzer Watermelon Lime: Also tastes as advertised. Notes of trailer parks, Daisy Dukes, and cheap menthol slims. Strong end notes of watermelon and lower middle class grit. Pairs well with Achy Breaky Heart and anything by Travis Tritt.
Review of Corona Hard Seltzer Mandarin Starfruit: This drink is good but tries to pretend it’s high class, similarly to Tara Reid at the Four Seasons. Makes you acknowledge that you actually kinda like Nickleback and the McRib. Pairs well with Nickleback and the McRib.
Saturday, June 24, 2023
Reviews VI
Review of Smirnoff Hard Seltzer Peach Lemonade: OK first off, WTF is up with all these peach-flavored seltzers? I’m feeling some type of way about the peach directly related to my days of drinking at Bowling Green with my sister as a young impressionable teenager. This may or may not have involved the better part of a bottle of peach schnapps.
This is a mediocre peach-flavored beverage. In fact, it is so mediocre that its mediocrity is mediocre. I drank it and immediately started to judge myself in a way similar to how I used to judge people who came into Friendly’s when I worked there (for five agonizing years) and ordered a well-done steak and then tipped 10%. This pairs well with literally nothing and has a strong finish of John at the bar, who gives you your drinks for free and is sure he could be a movie star if he could get out of this place. 10/10 would recommend for someone that you don’t exactly hate but aren’t particularly fond of either.
Review of Smirnoff Hard Seltzer Pineapple Lemonade: It tastes like pineapple, with end notes of coconut, which automatically makes this terrible because coconut is the devil food. Why does pineapple-flavored stuff have to have that? Pineapple is delicious. Stop fucking with it. I will add that to my list of things that contributed to the downfall of society, along with the different flavors of Oreos and switching the M&M's shoes. I am also not getting any kind of hint of lemonade, which is disappointing. See? COCONUT RUINS EVERYTHING! My next imaginary political campaign will have the platform of keeping pineapple pure. Hell, if the teabaggers tea partiers/MAGA crowd can try to keep their bloodlines pure of influences such as black people and the gays and critical thinking, I can demand pure pineapple-flavored lemonade.
Review of Smirnoff Hard Seltzer Pink Lemonade: Well, finally. We hit lemonade. Continuing with the theme of mediocrity, this is not any particularly special form of alcoholic canned lemonade. Would I drink it again if it was free? Yes. Would I purchase it again? No. For some reason, this beverage reminds me of my mid to late 20's. As that was a very stressful time in my life, I prefer to consume beverages that do not remind me of said stressful times. Again, if it were free, sure. But even then I might just opt for a bottle of water, some ibuprofen because something is surely aching nowadays, and a phone call to my therapist.
Review of Smirnoff Hard Seltzer Blue Raspberry Lemonade: This is a copy of a copy of blue raspberry. It's a disconcerting combination of unnatural phenomena: blue raspberry, carbonated lemonade, and alcohol that is a low enough percentage for a college sophomore to ask, why bother? It's not awful in the same way that Tootsie Rolls aren't awful, but one would certainly not assert that it is a raspberry lemonade any more than one would assert that a Tootsie Roll is a delicious chocolate candy bar. Pairs well with anything that you know is going to be disappointing, but you eat anyways. Hot pockets, Cheese Whiz, and pizza rolls come to mind here. End notes of regretting having adult money wherein you can purchase alcoholic beverages to review and end up stuck with 3/4 of a case of drinks you don't like. If I were in my 20's, I would say party at my house, but a.) I'm old as fuck and hate most people, so that won't fly, and b.) if I were in my 20's, I'd likely be too poor to even consider experimenting with a new alcoholic beverage so it would be a moot point I suppose.
Friday, June 2, 2023
Reviews V
Review of Truly Hard Seltzer Punch Mix Pack:
Friday, May 26, 2023
Review IV
Review
of Barefoot Hard Seltzers, Black Cherry and Cranberry:
Generic
fruit taste that is carbonated. Notes of mediocrity and “I coulda been famous
if I didn’t get knocked up at prom”. You drink them because you bought them and
you feel you should bear the consequences of poor life choices. #neveragain
Review of Corona Hard Seltzer, Blueberry Açaí:
Take
a gas station blueberry muffin. Carbonate it, then make it get slightly flat
but somehow also still carbonated. Drink it and feel the confusion grow. Pairs
well with off-brand potato chips eaten directly from the bag and the crusts cut
off a three year old’s PB&J whilst laughing your ass off at the innuendo in
Barbie: Life in the Dreamhouse.
Review
of Mike’s Hard Pink Freeze: Take Sprite. Add a dash of lemonade and pink. Put
it in a tall skinny seltzer can, call it Pink Freeze, and put dire warnings all
over the box to NOT freeze it. The taste is as unoriginal as the name and
strangely symbolic of the giving up most Xennials have done. Pairs well with
emotional eating and watching My Girl whilst sobbing because goddammit she TOLD
you not to mess with the bees, Thomas J.
Review
of Pabst Blue Ribbon Hard Coffee: I am so confused. Horribly confused. Tastes
like chocolate milk somehow. How can the beer of your youth taste like an even
earlier time in your youth? Pairs well with frosted animal crackers and
Dunkaroos. Must be consumed whilst watching Full House re-runs and primal
screaming into the abyss because you’ve realized this is what your life is now.