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Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Inconvenience

Death is never convenient.

When my son died, it was smack dab in the middle of the summer semester of school for me. It was my last semester before I started Practicum, where I actually saw clients. I was surprised that they let me, but eternally grateful that they did. It saved my sanity, I do believe.

I would later go on to lose two more babies after Gabe died. One was right in the beginning of my internship, the other was near the anniversary of his birth. Two also very inconvenient times.

I wonder how the hell I have been able to carry on some days. I wonder why the earth has not stopped spinning, why all business in the world does not come to a halt every time that I lose another child.

It is extremely inconvenient for me. I sometimes feel as though it should be for the rest of the world as well, even though they are just as innocent in this as I.

Which is why I do not appreciate being made to feel as though all of this is my fault. Like I chose to have my kid die, just so I could drive particular people away. Like I planned this somehow. Like I am somehow responsible for the actions of other people who decided that death was too inconvenient for them to be supportive, when all I really needed was support and support is a very hard thing for me to ask of someone. Like the thought of my son does not bring me to my knees and all I wanted from people was for them to acknowledge that yes, he did exist.

People who give me ornaments with just two spots for my kids' names...people who unknowingly ask me how many children I have, thereby thrusting me into the middle of a dilemma that every parent who has lost a child has (do I really want to go into this? That dilemma). People who silently think that I am overplaying this because they are uncomfortable with it. All of this...inconvenient.

Just remember...I did not ask for this. If I had my way, I would have a 13 month old son running around.

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