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Tuesday, December 15, 2009


Ever get that oh-so panicky feeling when you think about money?

I had an episode like that today. Now considering that I am an extraordinarily high strung, anxious individual, this is not a new feeling. I live in a semi-permanent state of being thisclose to an anxiety attack. I really should carry Ativan with me at all times, but I figure that neuroses are a part of my personality (I distinctly remember at the age of 5 worrying that my kindergarden teacher would fail me if I did not master making the lower-case "g", and thus missing a class picture due to obsessively practicing making them.) I am a perfectionist by nature, but I can honestly say that finances are one area that we are currently far from perfect in.

We have a lot of debt. I have student loans, more in credit card debt than I like to think about, let alone admit, a mortgage, two car loans, a personal loan, and medical bills due to the horrid insurance we were forced to have from my husband's work (yet the system is not broken, huh?). I want to be debt free within ten years. This may or may not happen, as it does not seem to be getting any better.

I was thinking about this today and I had one of those "OMG we are going to keep getting in deeper and deeper and we are never going to get out of debt and we are going to lose everything and end up living in a trailer again and eating Spam and drinking Shasta and will never have a fresh vegetable again because WEWON'TBEABLETOFUCKINGAFFORDIT!!!!" Ever have one of those moments? They aren't fun and I am not sure that any pharmaceutical there is now or ever will be will be able to make that feeling go away.

It is funny how thinking about money makes me focus so much on what we are doing wrong (and there is probably a lot, believe me...I seriously think we could make a financial advisor curl up in a corner in the fetal position sucking their thumb singing "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts...") We are doing something right...we have survived the greed of the banks and big businessses and mangaged to come out of this financial crisis OK and without having to rely on any kind of government program. (And I know some very conservative people, some of whom are relatives, who can't say that. And I am referring to the government piece, not the being OK...) We still have our house, nothing has been repossessed, and we are paying our bills. It was weird, though, the first time I had to deliberately NOT pay a bill because we simply did not have the money. I had a friend (ironically also a very conservative person, especially WRT personal responsibility, economics, and her perception of so-called freedoms) say that she thought that was just a rite of passage of being an adult, or something along those lines.

I guess we aren't doing too badly then, huh?

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