Review XI

Review of Corona Seltzerita Classic Lime: This is the Wish version of a margarita. You’re hoping for a lovely tangy salty lime deliciousness, but it’s a copy of a copy, not a reasonably close facsimile. It’s not bad, but not bad in the same way that a Hostess cupcake isn’t a bad version of cake, but definitely not the real thing.  Definitely lacks tequila. Pairs well with Taco Bell and Hostess Cupcakes, but only the orange ones. Best consumed during the early poverty stages of adulthood, whilst sitting on a futon and watching a VHS movie on a CRT TV.                                            

Reviews X

Review of Truly Hard Seltzer Celebration Pack:

Peach Fizz: You know how people can have that alcohol that they regret ever having consumed for a variety If reasons? Yeah, peach schnapps was that for me. The reason? I drank like half a bottle Alicia’s freshman year of college the first time I got drunk. I’m telling you this because, for obvious reasons, I generally don’t like peach flavored alcoholic beverages. However, Truly managed to make this a lovely beverage that does not trigger my peach beverage-related PTSD. Way to go, Truly. Though not gonna lie, peach is not a fruit I associate with the holidays. Unless you include Flag Day and Fourth of July. Then sure. Holiday beverage. However, because this does not instantly make me want to turn on Santeria and put on cargo pants and get lit for the first time, I’ll give it a 4.9/5 stars. The .1 deduction came from it simply being peach. Sue me. It is what it is.



Citrus Sparkler: Again, not quite sure how an orange seltzer screams Christmas, but hey…at least it isn’t the cinnamon flavor of Christmas seltzers past. This beverage would probably pair well with either Christmas cookies (but not chocolate chip cookies because they are not Christmas cookies and I will die on that hill) or a hotdog with potato salad.

Rose Style: Explain to me, in little words like I am two, how a beverage can simultaneously be tasteless and have notes of Busch Light Peach? How? I am underwhelmed by this beverage. So much so, that I literally cannot give any further description. It's not not good but it is also not good. But how? I feel like I'm somehow being Rick Rolled with alcoholic beverages.

Cranberry Cheers: This tastes like carbonated cranberries. Which, given the name, I imagine is exactly what they were going for here. It's reminiscent of the can of cranberry sauce that my family just opens and puts on the plate in a big gelatinous cranberry blob. If this was not a liquid it would be exactly that but less sweet. It is not pretentious and does not pretend to be anything more than carbonated, slightly less sweet, Ocean Spray cranberry sauce in beverage form. This is the closest thing to a holiday-like beverage there is in this pack. End notes of holiday stress eating and avoiding your racist, homophobic aunt's questions as to why you have not begun to procreate yet.

Reviews IX

Getting caught up here...if I have repeated, I'm sorry. Actually, no I'm not. I'm doing these reviews for free. Suck it.

Review of Mufflehead’s Tropical Rain Seltzer: A crisp beverage with the flavor of tropical. Yes, tropical is a flavor. No, it is not necessarily a good one. Best consumed whilst singing along to red neck songs and petting the puppy dogs at the brewery.

Review of Risata Red Moscato Sweet Red Wine. A strangely fuzzy wine that has an indistinct fruit flavor that simultaneously can’t be identified whilst making you swear that you’ve had this fruit before. Subtle end notes of strawberry yogurt. Pairs well with Ramen noodles, Cheetos, and poverty.

Review of Simply Spiked Blueberry Lemonade: This is a sweet beverage with a broad spectrum of flavor as long as that flavor is blueberry lemonade. Violet Beauregarde would not turn her nose up at this beverage, even if it doesn’t come in gum form though I’m sure Willy Wonka could make that happen. Pairs well with Blackberry Sausages and Spewed Dumplings. Best consumed whilst wearing a My Little Pony nightshirt or Land Before Time jammies.
I decided to give the Bud Light Seltzer’s another try...mostly cause they have the Out of Office flavors out now so figured why not. So as I try each of the four flavors, I’ll be giving my honest review.
Classic Lime Margarita: Lime jello got carbonated then banged tequila. Resulting baby looks enough like lime jello to make the royal family relieved, but still has a vague hint of Mexican liquor and, strangely, margarita salt, somehow without actually tasting salty. Pairs well with Taco Bell and Cheetos.



Review of Truly Holiday Pack Sangria Style: Well, here is the seasonal piece. Again, “Sangria Style” is akin to calling Kanye a “stable adult”. Only one of those are true, and really, it’s a technicality. This tastes of berries and spices and if you like that sorta thing, this is for you. I, however, prefer my drinks more heavily on the berry side and I prefer my spices in baked goods even if my body hates me after eating them. I only drank like 3 sips of this and the rest is on my counter, still in the can for those who don’t get context. (Fam, if no one drinks the remaining two, they’re coming to Thanksgiving.) Pairs well with Hallmark Christmas movies and roast beast, who-hash, and who-pudding.


Review of Bud Light Apple Seltzer Strawberry flavor: Well this is a beverage full of whimsy and delight and fairy dust. In fact, I’m pretty sure this is the beverage middle aged Tinkerbell consumes during a mom’s night out wherein she drunk flies into the door of her house and then begs her husband to take her out to Taco Bell. Consuming this beverage might make you an aficionado of pink glitter and inappropriately clad fairies from children’s movies. Nah I’m just fucking with you on that last part. But seriously, whimsy and delight.


Review of Simply Spiked Strawberry Lemonade: I was fully prepared to dislike this as I do most strawberry flavored beverages are they are usually strangely thick, overly sweet, and just plain not good. This delightful beverage, however, was a lovely blend of strawberry flavor and, well, carbonated lemonade. Usually I am very disconcerted after drinking an alcoholic strawberry beverage as they contain intoxicants but also taste like cheap candy marketed to children with anthropomorphic cartoon characters and brightly colored packaging (a very strange feeling, similar to when you learn another meaning for “tricks” and the motto for Trix cereal becomes concerning at best and vaguely pedophilic at worst). Pairs well with a light charcuterie board so you can pretend you fancy and ignore the crippling student loan debt you have for a minute.


Review of Truly Holiday Pack Pear Martini Style: Well, they nailed the pear bit. Tastes like no martini I’ve ever had, but I imagine that is why it’s “martini style”. Perhaps akin to Kraft American cheese not really being cheese but a “pasteurized processed American cheese food”. At any rate, it’s some sort of a copy of a copy that was then faxed but somehow is still readable. I’ll spare you the “not really seasonal” rant but know the revolution is still on, emus and all. That being said, this is also a tasty beverage. End notes of, well, pear. Pairs well (no pun intended; in fact it was unavoidable because it’s Friday night, I’m too fried to think of a synonym because I’ve been dealing with Anthem all week) with a light dinner you didn’t have to cook and despair over the lie that children are sold over how great being an adult is.


Review of Mike’s Hard Lemonade Seasonal Blackberry Pear: I was expecting a syrupy sweet child’s candy flavored beverage that would combine chemical dependency and diabetes in liquid form. I was dead wrong. This is a refreshing, not too sweet, delightful adult beverage. I’m almost sad that I have nothing bad to say as this is a solidly above average drink. Sorry to disappoint.


Review of Sunny D Vodka Seltzer: Orange pop. Alcoholic, slightly less sweet, orange pop. May lead to confusion as it tastes like the last time I had financial freedom, but I had to show my ID to purchase. Consumption leads to a strong desire for a late 80’s, early 90’s breakfast…chocolate pop tart or toaster streudel with this delicious beverage. Eating those with this beverage may lead to a strong desire to watch your VHS of Beauty and the Beast on repeat, and/or Muppet Babies, The Smurfs, and The Gummi Bears. I would normally condemn this type of beverage as being marketed for children, but let’s be honest…the marketing genius who came up with this knew exactly what audience this was for, and it ain’t children. If you have ibuprofen in multiple places and know the connection between a fried egg and drugs, this is for you. End notes of drying glue on your hands to peel off and slap bracelets. And admit it, now you are singing “Gummi bears, bouncing here and there and everywhere…” You’re welcome.

Reviews VIII

Review of Mike’s Hard Lemonade Seasonal Pick Wild Berry: Well, I’m not mad. I’m disappointed. This beverage had so much potential. Lemonade. Berries. How can you fuck that up? Well, by making this beverage, that’s how.  This beverage is the equivalent of going to Fazoli’s hoping for a decent lasagna and being served the Encore microwave dinner version of lasagna. It tastes well enough that you can choke it down along with your tears of failure and a deep sense of shame that you will never ever get your parents’ approval, but leaves you with a sense of abject disappointment in yourself similar to when you find out your new lover has a getting wedgies kink and you go along with it but end up deeply unsatisfied. 

Reviews VII

 Review of Corona Hard Seltzer Spicy Pineapple: Well, the name is half right. Tastes like carbonated pineapple juice. Very much has notes of being so close but not achieving.  As disappointing as you are to your uber religious grandparents. But overall a solid alcoholic summer alcoholic beverage. 

Review of Corona Hard Seltzer Citrus Lime:  Well, this one’s name is not a lie at least.  A light citrus beverage reminiscent of childhood beverages with citrus flavoring of some sort. Pairs well with BBQ foods and s’mores. 

Review of Corona Hard Seltzer Watermelon Lime: Also tastes as advertised. Notes of trailer parks, Daisy Dukes, and cheap menthol slims. Strong end notes of watermelon and lower middle class grit. Pairs well with Achy Breaky Heart and anything by Travis Tritt. 

Review of Corona Hard Seltzer Mandarin Starfruit: This drink is good but tries to pretend it’s high class, similarly to Tara Reid at the Four Seasons.  Makes you acknowledge that you actually kinda like Nickleback and the McRib. Pairs well with Nickleback and the McRib.

Reviews VI

Review of Smirnoff Hard Seltzer Peach Lemonade: OK first off, WTF is up with all these peach-flavored seltzers?  I’m feeling some type of way about the peach directly related to my days of drinking at Bowling Green with my sister as a young impressionable teenager.  This may or may not have involved the better part of a bottle of peach schnapps.

This is a mediocre peach-flavored beverage. In fact, it is so mediocre that its mediocrity is mediocre. I drank it and immediately started to judge myself in a way similar to how I used to judge people who came into Friendly’s when I worked there (for five agonizing years) and ordered a well-done steak and then tipped 10%.  This pairs well with literally nothing and has a strong finish of John at the bar, who gives you your drinks for free and is sure he could be a movie star if he could get out of this place. 10/10 would recommend for someone that you don’t exactly hate but aren’t particularly fond of either.

Review of Smirnoff Hard Seltzer Pineapple Lemonade: It tastes like pineapple, with end notes of coconut, which automatically makes this terrible because coconut is the devil food.  Why does pineapple-flavored stuff have to have that?  Pineapple is delicious.  Stop fucking with it.  I will add that to my list of things that contributed to the downfall of society, along with the different flavors of Oreos and switching the M&M's shoes.  I am also not getting any kind of hint of lemonade, which is disappointing.  See?  COCONUT RUINS EVERYTHING!  My next imaginary political campaign will have the platform of keeping pineapple pure.  Hell, if the teabaggers  tea partiers/MAGA crowd can try to keep their bloodlines pure of influences such as black people and the gays and critical thinking, I can demand pure pineapple-flavored lemonade.

Review of Smirnoff Hard Seltzer Pink Lemonade: Well, finally.  We hit lemonade.  Continuing with the theme of mediocrity, this is not any particularly special form of alcoholic canned lemonade.  Would I drink it again if it was free?  Yes.  Would I purchase it again? No. For some reason, this beverage reminds me of my mid to late 20's.  As that was a very stressful time in my life, I prefer to consume beverages that do not remind me of said stressful times.  Again, if it were free, sure.  But even then I might just opt for a bottle of water, some ibuprofen because something is surely aching nowadays, and a phone call to my therapist.

Review of Smirnoff Hard Seltzer Blue Raspberry Lemonade: This is a copy of a copy of blue raspberry.  It's a disconcerting combination of unnatural phenomena: blue raspberry, carbonated lemonade, and alcohol that is a low enough percentage for a college sophomore to ask, why bother?  It's not awful in the same way that Tootsie Rolls aren't awful, but one would certainly not assert that it is a raspberry lemonade any more than one would assert that a Tootsie Roll is a delicious chocolate candy bar.  Pairs well with anything that you know is going to be disappointing, but you eat anyways.  Hot pockets, Cheese Whiz, and pizza rolls come to mind here.  End notes of regretting having adult money wherein you can purchase alcoholic beverages to review and end up stuck with 3/4 of a case of drinks you don't like.  If I were in my 20's, I would say party at my house, but a.) I'm old as fuck and hate most people, so that won't fly, and b.) if I were in my 20's, I'd likely be too poor to even consider experimenting with a new alcoholic beverage so it would be a moot point I suppose.

Reviews V

Review of Truly Hard Seltzer Punch Mix Pack:

 Tropical punch: A delightful tropical drink that, most importantly, does not have any trace of the tropical Devil food coconut. Lovely notes of pineapple and trailer trash class with an aftertaste of generic punch.

 Berry Punch: A textured blend of berries and, again, generic punch but also Kool-Aid. Tastes vaguely like adolescence and getting to third base for the first time. Pairs well with slightly burnt cookout food and s’mores.

 Citrus Punch: Definite nose of grapefruit with a smooth blend of other citrus fruit. Best consumed with super carb-y breakfast foods after a night on the town with your Besties.

 Fruit Punch: Remember that red punch sold in gallon jugs that you would have at elementary school holiday parties? Yeah, they’ve taken that, slightly carbonated it, and given it 5% alcohol by volume. Pairs well with the ice cream cups with the wooden spoon and sugar cookies with the colored sugar corresponding to the color scheme for the holiday.

 

Review IV

Review of Barefoot Hard Seltzers, Black Cherry and Cranberry:

Generic fruit taste that is carbonated. Notes of mediocrity and “I coulda been famous if I didn’t get knocked up at prom”. You drink them because you bought them and you feel you should bear the consequences of poor life choices. #neveragain

 

Review of Corona Hard Seltzer, Blueberry Açaí:

Take a gas station blueberry muffin. Carbonate it, then make it get slightly flat but somehow also still carbonated. Drink it and feel the confusion grow. Pairs well with off-brand potato chips eaten directly from the bag and the crusts cut off a three year old’s PB&J whilst laughing your ass off at the innuendo in Barbie: Life in the Dreamhouse.

  

Review of Mike’s Hard Pink Freeze: Take Sprite. Add a dash of lemonade and pink. Put it in a tall skinny seltzer can, call it Pink Freeze, and put dire warnings all over the box to NOT freeze it. The taste is as unoriginal as the name and strangely symbolic of the giving up most Xennials have done. Pairs well with emotional eating and watching My Girl whilst sobbing because goddammit she TOLD you not to mess with the bees, Thomas J.

  

Review of Pabst Blue Ribbon Hard Coffee: I am so confused. Horribly confused. Tastes like chocolate milk somehow. How can the beer of your youth taste like an even earlier time in your youth? Pairs well with frosted animal crackers and Dunkaroos. Must be consumed whilst watching Full House re-runs and primal screaming into the abyss because you’ve realized this is what your life is now.

 

Reviews III

Review of Bud Light Seltzer: Retro Summer Cherry Limeade

Tastes like the cheap cherry limeade popsicles. Notes of childhood playing in the dirt, drinking from the hose, and catching lightning bugs. Pairs well with cheese balls, Kid Cuisine, and Dunkaroos.

 

Review of Bud Light Retro Summer: Blazin Blue Raspberry

Tastes of a blue raspberry sucker: it wants to be raspberry, but also wants to be unnaturally blue. Together, it’s a tasty chemical bomb of a flavor that will yank you back to childhood, but with the added benefit of alcohol to make you forget the suck of post-pandemic life and lack of student loans forgiveness. Pairs well with despair and nostalgia and a cheap charcuterie board.

Costco

So I have been told, by my brother's girlfriend and my sisters, that Costco is a magical place full of wonder and delight and cheap rotisserie chickens and bulk packages of Poise pads.  I have never experienced this beacon of wonderment and delight, so they decided to take me here.  On a Saturday.  Before Mother's Day.  With Charlie, my child who freely acknowledges that she should not have access to adult money because it would not end well.  I imagine you can imagine how this went.

First off, the line to get into the fucking place was of Cedar Point length.  For those of you who don't know, Cedar Point is a local-ish (45 minutes away; pre-marriage I would have been like WTF that is a total day trip away and now it's like, oh I drive that far to go to the grocery store that's not Walmart) amusement park that is a big fucking deal when it comes to amusement parks.  Meaning, the lines are redonkulous.  I manage to somehow get a relatively close parking spot, which, I guess, like, yay me but why can't that luck extend to winning the jackpot in the lottery?  We get out and go inside to an entryway that is guarded more closely than Fort Knox.  Like, God forbid someone comes in without someone having that magical Costco card.  Which, Charlie was all like, "This place is a scam, you have to pay to get in and then pay for the stuff you buy?"  And I'm all like, welcome to adulthood in America.  Get some student loan debt and you are solidly middle-class, child.

Anyways, I'm waiting for Elizabeth to come in as she did not have the luck to get a super close spot.  I spot Faith, my brother's girlfriend, waiting for us inside the store where she has already completed most of her shopping.  I surreptitiously take a picture of her and then text it to her with the caption of "I can see you" because I am an asshole like that and should probably not be allowed technology unsupervised.  Anyways, we meet up and she is all relieved that it was just me and not some creepy ass ex texting her (sorry for unknowingly triggering past traumas there!) and we start shopping.

I will start off by saying, Charles had mentioned getting some laundry baskets because our all appear to have started to crumble worse than infrastructure in a red state.  I will say, we did not get laundry baskets.  Mostly because I did not want to spend the time looking for them because holy fucking shit, this place was packed tighter than a Taylor Swift concert.  I did get this two-pack of little trash cans with a flip lid, one for the bathroom because the one we currently have harbors more nastiness than a high school boy's gym bag, one for Charlie's room because she very suddenly became concerned about the lack of a trash can in her room.  We won't talk about the CONDITION of her room, however...

Anyways, we move on to the food section.  It is crazy.  Like, people just everywhere.  Gallon containers of everything from Liquid IV to rotisserie chicken that has been removed from the carcass already.  My already short attention span is going haywire.  Plus, dear sweet mother of God, there is like some kind of old person convention going on wherein they leave their fucking carts in the middle of the goddamned aisles.  I have a sudden urge to ram my cart into people. (Side note: on the way there, Charlie was talking about her one classmate who apparently has asked if anyone ever considers jumping off of the barn loft and also broke all of the bones in the chicken he dissected and asked to bring them home.  Charlie expressed concern (rightfully so) about this kid, but also coined the phrase "What in the Jeffrey Dahmer is that?" so I will forgive her for future sins.)

We start to encounter samples.  I don't know if it was just the day or what, but they were meh.  I will say Charlie tried this smoked salmon that she liked so I promptly got it because if my children ever express a liking for something remotely healthy I'm all over that like Charlie Sheen on a bowl of coke.  I also purchased some ravioli she liked, some Lacroix (despite me trying to talk Charlie into buying the Kirkland brand...I did give her a lesson on the difference between total price and price per unit, but since it was not her money to spend, we got the Lacroix).  I also got Liquid IV, because summer is coming and my husband works in a sweat shop (well not literally but it gets pretty goddamn hot) and will need the rehydration.  Elizabeth bought some energy drinks whilst ignoring my statement about how bad they are for you.  Apparently, I cannot guilt her into better life choices anymore, so yay for growing up?  I guess it's better than her sharing the bowl of coke so I will take the W however I can.

Then we go to checkout.  Being a newbie, I assume that I cannot do so without my sister who has the magical Costco card, so I follow her to self-checkout.  I promptly get scolded by the checkout babysitter.  Apparently I am a "fire hazard".  Well, I have been told by Alexis before that just because humans are flammable does not mean we should light them on fire (solid advice there, I believe.  I'm counting it as a parenting win) so I accept this but I continue to get passive-aggressively scolded by said checkout babysitter until I find an open checkout.  Then I get scolded by the scanner because I did not put said trash cans in the checkout area.  When did technology get in the business of shaming people?

When all is said and done...I was meh.  It was not a place full of wonderment and delight.  It was a place where my imaginary prescription for Xanax would have come in handy.  Would I go back?  Not on a Saturday.  Maybe like a Tuesday early in the morning, but I'm a night owl and the nearest Costco is 45 minutes away so that won't happen. (That time frame only applies when it is a place I can tolerate unmedicated.)  Do I consider the trip a success?  Yeah, I got a semi-healthy food for Charlie and some new trash cans. I didn't kill anyone.  I got a new catchphrase. I got to hang with my family. I did not use the catchphrase "What in the Jeffrey Dahmer is that?"

Reviews II

Starting from the very beginning…

So I made the mistake today, much to my family’s delight, of going grocery shopping hungry. Among the things that I bought was the new Bud Light Seltzers. I figured since I have nothing else to do this evening, I would try each flavor and leave you a review. Idk if I will get to all four flavors today, but I promise that I will review all of them at some point. So here goes...

Black Cherry. Vaguely reminiscent of Zima plus cherry Jolly Rancher but with a wannabe hipster twist. Tastes like ironic usage of “bae” with undertones of crippling student loan debt and the scent of your parents’ basement.  Pairs well with avocado toast.

Mango: Tastes like mango that has been seltzered.  Brings up dreams of tropical vacations to escape the dreary drudge that is your day to day existence. Reality soon smacks you in the face as you realize that it only has 5% ABV and you will, in fact, not get drunk off this as your tolerance skyrocketed in your early 20’s due to said student loan debt and sundry poor life choices you are drinking to forget.  Focus on the mango. Grab ahold of it with both hands because Dear God, this is your life now.

Strawberry: Flavored similarly to Bonne Belle Lipsmackers. Makes you feel slightly uncomfortable to drink something that’s alcoholic yet tastes like childhood. End notes are a weird mix of college walk of shame and Teletubbies. At the same time.

Lemon lime: Strong notes of lemon Windex with a lot of hell the fuck no aftertaste. Could possibly be used to freshen up the garbage disposal or dispose of someone you despise. Tastes like affliction, lamentation, and self-reproach. Don’t drink unless you enjoy cleaning products. Seriously, Windex.

Reviews I

I have been doing reviews of beverages on Facebook for a while, and Elizabeth’s boyfriend suggested I start posting them here as well so I will start moving them all over soon because why not?  May as well keep all the crazy in one place….

This beverage review brought to you courtesy of Dave and Faith, who purchased these for me to review to celebrate Cinco de Mayo:

Review of Mamitas Tequila and Soda Seltzer, Pineapple flavor: Well holy hell. This is a delicious, light beverage. No taste of tequila at all, which was a bit disappointing since, ya know, it’s in the fucking name and all. End notes of pineapple, which was not disappointing, since, ya know, it’s in the fucking name and all.  It’s gluten free which is good because people need something to blame for society’s sins and what better way to do this than to villainize sweet, sweet, delicious carbs instead of acknowledging that things started to go downhill when they started fucking with the flavor of Oreos and changed the freecreditreport.com band.  Pairs well with the false hope a 60° day in early May in Ohio gives you. 

Review of Mamacita Tequila and Soda, Paloma Flavor:

Ok, first off I had to Google WTF Paloma is because the closest thing to a cocktail I get is actual 7-Up in my whiskey with the good ice and an actual lime because I am not Fancy like Applebees and the only times I’ve ever consumed tequila is in a margarita or when I was in college in shot form. And I guess these Mamacita beverages now. And contrary to any rumors the fuckbois I dissed in college started because I was not DTF in a dorm room that stunk of ball sweat and Cheetos, I don’t put just anything in my mouth. Therefore, I cannot comment on if this thing tastes like an actual Paloma or not. Maybe?  I don’t know?  Anyways, this is also a delicious beverage. We will call it Paloma-esque. Palomish maybe?  Sure. Pairs well with a reminder to my ride and dies (you know who you are) to delete my Internet browsing history when I die, especially if it’s under mysterious circumstances. Because maybe I’ve now pissed off Paloma aficionados and I have a bounty on my head. Actually, no matter how I die, can we just say it was that?  And also, a flash mob and good snacks at my funeral would be great. Serve Palomas, too.